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Joy [Prologue]

by bugbug368


Prologue

I’m Amber. Amber Powers. My life isn’t the normal kind of life you know about. I’m the youngest out of my four sisters. Louisa is the eldest, but Cassie is the most responsible. Cassie is already a Mum to two-year-old Kieron, who in fact, now I mention it, is extremely good for his Mum. Me, not so much.

Anyway, Cassie is expecting a baby girl soon. She’s twenty-four weeks along, and I’m very excited for my third niece to come. I already have twin niece’s Katie and Bethanie, who belong to Louisa.

That reminds me, Louisa’s getting married in December to this really friendly guy called John. He already has a four-year-old little boy called Matthew and his work mates son is joining my school next term. I haven’t met him, but I can tell he’s going to be a nice boy. John has a good taste in friends, so I’m excited to see what this Taylor boy looks like. Only five more days until we return school. Wish me luck.


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Thu Sep 23, 2021 5:21 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I’m Amber. Amber Powers. My life isn’t the normal kind of life you know about. I’m the youngest out of my four sisters. Louisa is the eldest, but Cassie is the most responsible. Cassie is already a Mum to two-year-old Kieron, who in fact, now I mention it, is extremely good for his Mum. Me, not so much.

Anyway, Cassie is expecting a baby girl soon. She’s twenty-four weeks along, and I’m very excited for my third niece to come. I already have twin niece’s Katie and Bethanie, who belong to Louisa.

That reminds me, Louisa’s getting married in December to this really friendly guy called John. He already has a four-year-old little boy called Matthew and his work mates son is joining my school next term. I haven’t met him, but I can tell he’s going to be a nice boy. John has a good taste in friends, so I’m excited to see what this Taylor boy looks like. Only five more days until we return school. Wish me luck.


Okay...well, this is off to an interesting start here. For being a prologue this one isn't quite as exciting as most prologues tend to be nor does this one really have all that much to get our attention here. Usually in a prologue you'd expect to see a bit of a hook or something that makes you excited to read more..but here the closest thing that we manage to get is the whole piece about how this person does not live a normal life, but even though that got set up really early it didn't really get paid off at all in the rest of the work and overall, that alone really doesn't anything at all to the piece.

Soo...it sounds like a really interesting family that you've managed to create here and well I do love to see some detailed worldbuilding like this plus just stories with nice supportive families like this are always quite wholesome to read, but as far as getting the reader interesting in wanting there's something lacking here...the descriptions are relatively vague and they just won't be enough here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Mar 16, 2011 7:23 pm
synismysyn3 says...



i like the way you writer, always -] keep going at it bc your rly good !




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Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:35 am
DaringDani wrote a review...



#0000FF ">First review on this site. I hope it isn't too bad and that it helps you out. Even just a little bit.

To start off, this is really info dumping; not really a good idea to dump all this info on the reader all at once. You should spread it out over the course of a few chapters instead of shoving it down our throat all at once.


I’m Amber. Amber Powers.#0000FF ">[This isn't all that great of a hook, or original, for that matter. The first sentence(s) of your story should be the most thought about, since it's what draws the reader in. Love her name, though. It makes me want to watch Austin Powers. xD] My life isn’t the normal kind of life you know about.#0000FF ">[My life definitely isn't "normal", either. But what I'm used to is normal to me. I think you should describe to the reader what Amber's impression of a normal life is.] I’m the youngest #0000FF ">out of my four sisters. Louisa is the eldest, but Cassie is the most responsible. #0000FF ">[You've heard of "show, don't tell", right? Well, this applies very much to this. You could show how Cassie is the most responsible, even though she isn't the eldest.] Cassie is already a Mum to two-year-old Kieron, who in fact, now #0000FF ">that I mention it, is extremely good for his Mum. Me, not so much.
Anyway, Cassie is expecting a baby girl soon. She’s twenty-four weeks along, and I’m very excited for my third niece to come. I already have twin niece#0000FF ">s Katie and Bethanie, who belong to Louisa.
That reminds me, Louisa’s getting married in December to this really friendly guy called John. #0000FF ">[Again, show, don't tell.] He already has a four-year-old little boy called Matthew#0000FF ">, and his work mate#0000FF ">'s son is joining my school next term. I haven’t met him, but I can tell he’s going to be a nice boy. John has a good taste in friends, #0000FF ">[It's very obvious this boy is going to be the love interest. I think you should add a little more suspense when it comes to the romance.] so I’m excited to see what this Taylor boy looks#0000FF ">[whaaaaaaa??????? If he's nice, why would she care what he looks like? Again, this little line right here makes it obvious this boy is going to be the love interest.] like. Only five more days until we return school. Wish me luck.


#0000FF ">I know this is a prologue, but it still could have been a lot longer. Overall, this was rather dull and didn't do much to pull me in. If you wrote more, show and don't tell, this story could turn out to be very interesting. But because there's so little and it's so dull, it lost any credibility it had for the next chapters. I do want to see what you have in mind for it, however. The synopsis seemed interesting.




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Wed Mar 16, 2011 1:41 am
SmylinG wrote a review...



Hello BugBug. Here to lend an honest review for you today (: First off, I would say even for a prologue this could be a lot longer. There wasn't that much depth to it. I didn't really get a taste for who your character was really. Mainly just her sisters and all these babies. But maybe that was what you were trying for. Even if so though, I think some more of your character should be included into this. The only real thing I picked up was the bit about the nephew being good toward his mother, whereas your character stands as the opposite. Had you included a bit more details like this, I think this would have been better.

Onto the nitpicking.

I’m Amber. Amber Powers. My life isn’t the normal kind of life you know about. #BF0000 ">("the normal kind of life you know about". I think you should alter this sentence. Tweak it to make it sound better. This doesn't quite go.) I’m the youngest out of my four sisters. #BF0000 ">(You could remove the "out" in this sentence. It's just an extra word.) Louisa is the eldest, but Cassie is the most responsible. Cassie is already a Mum to two-year-old Kieron, who in fact, now I mention it, #BF0000 ">(You should make this, "now that I mention it") is extremely good for his Mum. Me, not so much.
Anyway, Cassie is expecting a baby girl soon. She’s twenty-four weeks along, and I’m very excited for my third niece to come. I already have twin niece’s Katie and Bethanie, who belong to Louisa.
That reminds me, #BF0000 ">(Maybe change to, "Which reminds me".) Louisa’s getting married in December to this really friendly guy called John. He already has a four-year-old little boy called Matthew#BF0000 ">(,) and his work mate#BF0000 ">(')s son is joining my school next term. I haven’t met him, but I can tell he’s going to be a nice boy. John has a good taste in friends, so I’m excited to see what this Taylor boy looks like. #BF0000 ">(If she thinks he's going to be a nice boy because John has good taste in friends, wouldn't she just be excited just to see [i]what[/i] he's like? Not what he looks like?) Only five more days until we return school. Wish me luck.


The rest of this, overall, wasn't too bad. A little dull, but easy to spice up! Because you've written so little still. Which is why I think you should try adding to it once you make your edits. It sounds like it might be a really cool story. I wish you all success. ;) Good work, and good luck.




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Tue Mar 15, 2011 7:00 pm
OverEasy wrote a review...



Summer term, September 1st
8:00pm

I am always a little confused when something like this is added to the top of a story. I don’t think it really serves a purpose, but perhaps that’s just something that bothers me. I would choose to leave it out, as it doesn’t really add anything substantial.

I’m Amber. Amber Powers. My life isn’t the normal kind of life you know about. I’m the youngest out of my four sisters. Louisa is the eldest, but Cassie is the most responsible. Cassie is already a Mum to two-year-old Kieron, who in fact, now I mention it, is extremely good for his Mum. Me, not so much.


My first bit of advice is to slow down. This is one big huge info dump here. As a reader, I don’t want you to tell me who you are, I want you to show me. I have no idea who these sisters are, and you giving me a name and one simple identifier isn’t really helping me grasp them. Rather than telling me that Cassie is responsible, show me. Have this entire info dump become one scene. Have Cassie walk out with her work clothes on and her school books in her hand, rather than saying she is responsible, these two things will show that she is.

Anyway, Cassie is expecting a baby girl soon. She’s twenty-four weeks along, and I’m very excited for my third niece to come. I already have twin niece’s Katie and Bethanie, who belong to Louisa. That reminds me, Louisa’s getting married in December to this really friendly guy called John.


Here, again, you’re telling me all about these siblings and their significant others and all of that stuff, but I don’t really care yet. You’ve got to show me. Perhaps Louisa comes into the room with food in her hair and two soiled dippers in her hands, and then John the husband to be gives her a kiss? At this point, I have already lost track of the story, and I am wondering why on earth so much is happening in such a short amount of writing.

He already has a four-year-old little boy called Matthew and his work mates son is joining my school next term. I haven’t met him, but I can tell he’s going to be a nice boy. John has a good taste in friends, so I’m excited to see what this Taylor boy looks like. Only five more days until we return school. Wish me luck.


And here, there is one random mention of some guy that is going to start at her school next term. Obviously, you’re starting to build romantic intentions, and all of that. But I am bored, and there isn’t a whole lot here that draws me in. I came in looking for a story, but instead I got a list of characters that wasn’t interesting or even remotely memorable. I think if you spread this out a lot, take your time building a scene with these characters, then you could have a very nice opening to a story. You very clearly know these people pretty well in your head, but as a reader I don’t know who they are.

My advice on this piece is to slow down and allow yourself to really feel the situation and the characters, and to build a scene around them.

Hope this helps,
OverEasy





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