Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy


Title pending *suggestions welcome*

by harleighblake


Elizabeth rose out of the water with her hands straight out. She collapsed to where she was resting on her lower part of her left leg. She gripped the sand with her hands. As her head rose, her glowing red eyes turned back to the normal jade green. Elizabeth's blond hair was soaked but had perfect waves.Her toes squeezed the sand and her arms began to shake. She stood up wearing short dark blue jean shorts and a jade green tank top. People didn't seem to notice her. Elizabeth's nose cringed and she pulled a piece of seaweed off her arm. She felt the strangely dry clothes no longer wet or clinging to her tan body. Everywhere she turned she saw teenage couples running or kissing under the docks or children chasing each other. Nobody had noticed her at all. A voice came up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Awfully strange to see a girl rise out of the water completely dry."

Her back cringed and she turned. There stood a guy about 17 years of age and had long shaggy black hair. He wore red and black swim trunks that fell just below his 6 pack of abs. His body was perfectly tan and his eyes were a deep shade of blue.

"Oh, well...my clothes dry quickly." Was all Elizabeth could say.

"Interesting what brand if you don't mind me asking." He said looking at her. "My names Jake by the way."

She stared at him.

"I'm Elizabeth."


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
2378 Reviews


Points: 252020
Reviews: 2378

Donate
Thu Sep 23, 2021 2:29 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Elizabeth rose out of the water with her hands straight out. She collapsed to where she was resting on her lower part of her left leg. She gripped the sand with her hands. As her head rose, her glowing red eyes turned back to the normal jade green. Elizabeth's blond hair was soaked but had perfect waves.Her toes squeezed the sand and her arms began to shake. She stood up wearing short dark blue jean shorts and a jade green tank top. People didn't seem to notice her. Elizabeth's nose cringed and she pulled a piece of seaweed off her arm. She felt the strangely dry clothes no longer wet or clinging to her tan body. Everywhere she turned she saw teenage couples running or kissing under the docks or children chasing each other. Nobody had noticed her at all. A voice came up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Awfully strange to see a girl rise out of the water completely dry."


Well, this is an intriguing start, we have what appears to be a fairly mysterious sounding girl just emerging right out of the ocean and said person's clothes just so happen to be very dry. I think you do a pretty decent entrance, normally I'd say this is a touch too much description but since this starts with said description, it actually manages to work out okay here....not to mention I do love how she's immediately spotted by someone that points out the whole strangely dry clothes thing. That just doesn't happen enough in stories..and well, this is off to a nice start here.

Her back cringed and she turned. There stood a guy about 17 years of age and had long shaggy black hair. He wore red and black swim trunks that fell just below his 6 pack of abs. His body was perfectly tan and his eyes were a deep shade of blue.

"Oh, well...my clothes dry quickly." Was all Elizabeth could say.

"Interesting what brand if you don't mind me asking." He said looking at her. "My names Jake by the way."

She stared at him.

"I'm Elizabeth."


Well, for someone that sounded as suspicious as this guy did with that question, this one managed to switch from being suspicious to almost being lightly flirty there, or maybe I just read too much into that based on the description that was given...I'm not entirely sure..at any rate, believing that rather lame excuse aside, this is an interesting start. Its a bit too short to give us much, but as far as opening scenes go, this one is sufficiently mysterious and interesting enough that I'd want to read more. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
29 Reviews


Points: 1771
Reviews: 29

Donate
Sat Apr 30, 2011 3:03 pm
medievalwriter wrote a review...



Hey, just stumbled upon this and, even though it's not what I would normally read, I still quite like it and find myself wanting to read more. So well done on that, you've got me interested, and I'm quite a closed reader, so you've made a good impression. :)

Now I've noticed that most things have already been mentioned and corrected so I'll just give my initial thoughts, rather than go into a lot of grammatical stuff, because there is none to correct. :)

Elizabeth rose out of the water with her hands straight out. She collapsed to where she was resting on her lower part of her left leg. She gripped the sand with her hands. As her head rose, her glowing red eyes turned back to the normal jade green. Elizabeth's blond hair was soaked but had perfect waves.Her toes squeezed the sand and her arms began to shake. She stood up wearing short dark blue jean shorts and a jade green tank top.

#FF0000 ">I found it a bit difficult to imagine the physical setting here. Is it an open beach? Or an enclosed bay? You mentioned a dock later and that there are lots of people. Are there any food stands, for example, and are there any smells coming from them. It would just make this part seem much more and 'alive' if there was a tad more description. It's good just now though, just a personal preference for me I suppose. :)

People didn't seem to notice her. Elizabeth's nose cringed and she pulled a piece of seaweed off her arm. She felt the strangely dry clothes no longer wet or clinging to her tan body. Everywhere she turned she saw teenage couples running or kissing under the docks or children chasing each other. Nobody had noticed her at all. A voice came up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder.
"Awfully strange to see a girl rise out of the water completely dry."
Her back cringed and she turned. There stood a guy about 17 years of age and had long shaggy black hair. He wore red and black swim trunks that fell just below his 6 pack of abs. His body was perfectly tan and his eyes were a deep shade of blue.
"Oh, well...my clothes dry quickly." Was all Elizabeth could say.
"Interesting#FF0000 ">, what brand if you don't mind me asking." He said looking at her. "My names Jake by the way."
She stared at him.
"I'm Elizabeth."

Although there's not enough in this passage to give you a detailed review I am interested by what happens. I'm guessing that Elizabeth is a mermaid? I think once I read more I'll be able to give you a fuller and more helpful review.

I'll keep my eyes open for the next part..and you have yourself another follower. :)

*medievalwriter(Sean)




User avatar


Points: 1040
Reviews: 4

Donate
Sun Mar 20, 2011 10:00 pm
harleighblake says...



Thank you, did I fix the things you suggested okay? Thanks for the suggestions next chapter coming soon :)




User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 1196
Reviews: 16

Donate
Sat Mar 12, 2011 1:59 pm
Prats says...



Nice beginning... I would like to read more... :)




User avatar
57 Reviews


Points: 1325
Reviews: 57

Donate
Fri Mar 11, 2011 11:16 pm
rayhutch5 wrote a review...



Good start to your novel! I like the whole idea of this! :) I just have a few little critiques to improve this a whole lot.

She collapsed to where she was resting on her lower part of her left leg. Her right leg was squatted next to her and her head was looking down at her feet

I was a bit confused by this; I think there might be just a bit too much detail here. Usually I like a lot of detail when I'm reading/writing a novel but I feel like you should leave a little up to the readers' imagination. Just a suggestion.
People didn't seem to notice her.

I feel that this is a bit random. Seems like it doesn't belong where it is, but you should definitely still keep it in. Just consider a different location.
A voice came up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder.

A voice tapped her on the shoulder? I get what you're trying to say here, but you might want to consider changing it to something like: "Someone tapped her on the shoulder from behind, and said..." This is just an example.
Overall, this is really good! Keep it coming! I can't wait to read more. :)

Hope this helped,
Rachael :)




User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 710
Reviews: 14

Donate
Fri Mar 11, 2011 10:32 pm
Milaita wrote a review...



Woo, pretty good. :) Keep going, I am curious to see where this will go. :)




User avatar
111 Reviews


Points: 8168
Reviews: 111

Donate
Fri Mar 11, 2011 8:59 pm
Kiwisatsuma wrote a review...



Hi! Welcome to YWS! :D

This is a really interesting start to the story. I love the idea of her going in the water and coming out dry, and there being the one guy who notices her when no one else does. Still, I do think there are a few ways you could improve this.

One thing you could work on is the dialogue. Right now the things they're saying are lacking in punctuation, so when you read them in your head they sound unnatural. Try saying their conversation to yourself, and see where you pause. For example, when I say

"Oh well my clothes dry quickly."

I hear a pause after the "Oh well", so it could be

Oh well, my clothes dry quickly.

Or maybe another comma after the "oh" as well. It's up to you! :D It's a small change, but it makes a big difference, I promise.

"I am Elizabeth."

also sounds kind of stilted to me. It would sound more like an everyday conversation if you put "I'm".

The second part of this is dialogue punctuation. This article on YWS is really helpful and explains the rules, but basically,

"Hello." He said

needs to be

"Hello," he said

The other thing I think you could maybe change is the description in the first paragraph. You start by describing Elizabeth climbing out of the water in a very detailed, anatomical way, which I'm not sure is the best way to draw readers in like you want the opening to do. Perhaps instead of focusing on the motion of her hands and feet you could describe just the unusual parts, like her eyes changing colour. This thing about not being wet is really intruiging. Does the water just run off her? Does it evaporate? Or maybe you could describe her feelings and thoughts as this is happening, as it's a really unusual scenario. The sense of loneliness she feels when no one notices her, and her surprise when Jake comes up to her, is maybe something you could bring out.

Anyway, this looks like it could be an interesting story, so I hope you write more! PM me if you have any questions or if you'd like me to review a chapter. :)





"For a short space of time I remained at the window watching the pallid lightnings that played above Mont Blanc and listening to the rushing of the Arve, which pursued its noise way beneath. The same lulling sounds acted as a lullaby to my too keen sensations; when I placed my head upon my pillow, sleep crept over me; I felt it as it came and blessed the giver of oblivion."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein