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The Adventures of Death and Plague (title pending)

by Renn


Hey hey I just found inspiration for a prompt I abandoned in 6th grade. This is it, I know it's really rusty and could use a lot of work so I was wondering if it is worth editing and continuing on with. Feel free to rip it apart. :)

The sky itself was tired. The outlook was grey and listless, drab, as if to strike down any chance for sunshine. The schoolyard was deserted in the weather, but one figure remained. He was a young man, with ancient eyes that knew more than they let on. He appeared to have a walking stick, although he had no limp. He was leaning on the split trunk of a centuries old tree, enjoying the condition of grey. A light rain was dripping through the pine needles onto his head and black garb.

He was silent as he hefted his walking stick and looped it above his shoulders. The life he lived was longer than time and a rather depressing one, if he cared to think of his life as pointless. Oh no, this young man knew he had a needed existence in the lives of man. Right now he was on the job, and yet he should be getting out of the rain soon. The child he was looking for wasn't outside; nobody who cared about their well being was out in this morose weather.

The tintinnabulum of the school bell interrupted his philosophical reasoning of his existence. He must get inside to do his job. The child was waiting.

Sighing, the man flipped up the collar of his jacket and with his heavy leather boots he sauntered across the mud and grass. The man's senses were acute beyond human reach and he could hear the soft squish of his boot soles sinking into the mud and the subtle bending of the grass over itself. His dark eyes looked up at the school's grand entry way and jogged his way up the cement steps. As he wiped his feet on the mat he could feel the eyes of the school secretary and the vice principal slide over him. He was nondescript to them, and because of his average looks the eyes of mortals did not see him. Not until it was their time. They were quite safe for now. Dark and looming like a raven, he was not coming for them but instead he was reaching out to the boy child.

~Dedicated to my personal 'Death'~


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Sun Sep 26, 2021 6:53 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The sky itself was tired. The outlook was grey and listless, drab, as if to strike down any chance for sunshine. The schoolyard was deserted in the weather, but one figure remained. He was a young man, with ancient eyes that knew more than they let on. He appeared to have a walking stick, although he had no limp. He was leaning on the split trunk of a centuries old tree, enjoying the condition of grey. A light rain was dripping through the pine needles onto his head and black garb.


Oooh, this is a neat little image there. Its a fun little contrast you create with the slight limp...and then the whole young man part. It certainly makes for a very mysterious image here and the scene that you set here with the help of the rain and the the general desolate sort of nature of the area is very interesting. There appears to be a very particular feel that you're aiming for and it makes for a very intriguing start.

He was silent as he hefted his walking stick and looped it above his shoulders. The life he lived was longer than time and a rather depressing one, if he cared to think of his life as pointless. Oh no, this young man knew he had a needed existence in the lives of man. Right now he was on the job, and yet he should be getting out of the rain soon. The child he was looking for wasn't outside; nobody who cared about their well being was out in this morose weather.

The tintinnabulum of the school bell interrupted his philosophical reasoning of his existence. He must get inside to do his job. The child was waiting.


Okayy...this description of the job here certainly raises a few eyebrows there, especially cause it appears to have a lot to do with a small child. Considering the kind of title this piece has here, this whole paragraph serves to make you think that perhaps this is death, here to carry off a child to an untimely demise, although death isn't a big fan of having to do so.

Sighing, the man flipped up the collar of his jacket and with his heavy leather boots he sauntered across the mud and grass. The man's senses were acute beyond human reach and he could hear the soft squish of his boot soles sinking into the mud and the subtle bending of the grass over itself. His dark eyes looked up at the school's grand entry way and jogged his way up the cement steps. As he wiped his feet on the mat he could feel the eyes of the school secretary and the vice principal slide over him. He was nondescript to them, and because of his average looks the eyes of mortals did not see him. Not until it was their time. They were quite safe for now. Dark and looming like a raven, he was not coming for them but instead he was reaching out to the boy child.


Ahh...well this seals the deal pretty much there, you can very clearly see exactly where this piece is intending to go through that, this is definitely death and it appears some form of magic prevents him from being seen or noticed by anyone else...and he glides towards this young child to take them away much like well...death. Overall, a powerful little scene here for this story to start off on. Its really well constructed. You nail the overall tone...and its just an entirely new and exciting perspective of death...so yeah, great start here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Mar 07, 2011 12:19 am
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Renn says...



awwwwww. :) thanks Death. Renny Renners?




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Sun Mar 06, 2011 11:52 pm
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Confictura wrote a review...



Renny McRenners, This is fantastic. Anything I said would be redundant except for the things that I'm going to whine about later, but noone here needs to see that :)




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Thu Mar 03, 2011 12:42 am
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EightBlindMen wrote a review...



Well, I won't add much to criticize it as I think what Sincerity said were the only minor problems I picked up on.

Though this sentence, again what Sincerity said:

The outlook was grey and listless, drab, as if to not get anyone’s hopes up for sunshine.


I do agree that, (to me at least) it read a little less natural, less so than the first part of the sentence did. Though like anything that can be easily rectified by perhaps replacing the 'as if to not get anyone's hopes up for sunshine' for say something like
The outlook was grey and listless, drab, voiding any hope of sunshine'
- I know, I know I doubt that was a great example and voiding probably isn't the best word to use but as of this minute that's how my head seemed to reword it, although that's an alteration from the mind of the Dyslexic and for me made the second part it a little less confusing (for my mind anyway).

But on a note away from that I was intrigued by it and would quite happily read more of it so to answer your question, as others have said, yes, yes you should continue it!

(I'm sorry, my reviews will improve but at the minute I feel a bit of a hypocrite!) :)

-Price.




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Wed Mar 02, 2011 9:07 pm
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Sincerity wrote a review...



Hmm, this is quite intriguing! I love this style of writing, and you appear to do it very well. I hope that you'll continue it. :)
Only a few critiques really:

"The outlook was grey and listless, drab, [b]as if to not get anyone%u2019s hopes up for sunshine[/b]." - The last part of the sentence doesn't really seem to flow. I had to pause to read it twice before I continued with the story. (The adjectives were fantastic though!)

"The schoolyard [b]was deserted in[/b] the weather, [b]but one figure[/b] remained." - Perhaps it would be better for you to say: "The schoolyard [i]seemed[/i] deserted [i]because of[/i] the weather, [i]yet[/i] one figure remained."

"He was silent as [b]we[/b] hefted his walking stick and looped it above his shoulders." - Simple, but present all the same: the "we" should be changed to 'he'.

Enough with that though, once again, that was great. I can't wait to read more... :D




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Wed Mar 02, 2011 2:18 pm
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aliepalie says...



Nice, I like it.
I love the way you described 'Death', well done.
I hope that you'll continue with it, because I certainly like it.
Keep up the good work!





"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind