Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Women cried with their children hanging onto their clothes, over the dead bodies of their husbands and partners. The scene was awful- as bloody and as filthy as a slaughter house; it was horrible to see the way some men's heads rolled away from their bodies and gruesome to see the inner body parts of the other men falling out with fesh, warm blood oozing from their mouths.

The soldiers- or more like blood thirsty revenge-seekers- had left their wild mark: death. Its stench lingered in the once pure air and the buildings were stained with that dreaded red liquid. On the walls surrounding the castle were written the words: We will get it back.

The people of Kalimina lived in fear of what was going to happen to them next. They had been traumatized by horrifying sights and lived in constant mourning for their lost loved ones. For many years, terror had not reigned over them. They had lived in peace for almost a century after the last great battle. They had never suspected for such a thing to happen again so were living their simple and modest lives normally- not seeing that it was coming to them again.

The legend said that the people of Lugernham had been searching for something- an ever so valuable thing to them for many, many years but still had not been able to find it because it belonged to the peaceful kingdom Kalimina. It also said that only the royal families of the two kingdoms knew what it was and that it lay secret and valuable to their eyes. The king and queen of Kalimina, though, had greater worries than whether or not the Lugernhamers found this precious hidden secret. There was something much more valuable to their eyes and hearts: their only daughter, aged only four months old.

She was 'gifted', they said. With her smile she could enlighten hearts and was said to have special powers lost in the family for many generations. Opalite her name was, as her unique beauty resembled that of the precious stone. Opal.

Hey Mikko!

It seems more like a summary of what you want to write instead of a story. I would keep this as a summary of what you're going to eventually have to send to the publishers and then come up with something really awesome for chapter 1.

Nice stuff!

Hi Mikko

You have a great ability to describe and a neat prose to run along with it. With these strengths you have the power and ability to gross out the reader. It's not necessary to do this to tell a good story.

A good story is made up of the story and the story alone. Your toolkit of description and prose is there to facilitate this. You want to make the story look realistic and if not realistic at least interesting.

Your story begins not at the birth of Opal, but at wherever you were going to start chapter 1. Essentially this means you don't need this prologue. If I were you, I'd either delete the prologue entirely or start the story earlier. If you're going to start the story earlier. Show us the city siege. Don't tell us what happened. Don't tell us what the outcome looks like. Give us a scene with characters who witnessed the information you'd like to convey in the prologue rather than the information out of context.

The story also is kind of cliched. How is your story different to all the other savior stories? What I suggest you do to define this is build yourself a character who has personal challenges. She must conquer these challenges and deal with responsibility. If you do this, you shift the focus away from the events and onto the character arc. In a character story, it's far easier to be original.

You have great potential. I hope these tips help you along the path to becoming a great writer.

Keep well!
Yoda

Hey there, Mikko! The name's Trish, and I'm here to drop of a review as review day wanes slowly to its inevitable close. So without further ado, let's get going!

Description and Writing Style

One of the first things I noticed when reading this was that your sentences are often quite awkward, confusing and wordy. It takes a few read-throughs to really understand what's going on here, and that's something you don't want your reader to ever have to do. You'll get way more people to want to read your writing if it can be read easily. I would just suggest that you try to reword some of your sentences to improve this.

The scene was awful- as bloody and as filthy as a slaughter house; some men lay headless, some had their insides showing and some lay with daggers pushed through their chests.

Women cried, with their children hanging onto their clothes, over the dead bodies of their husbands and partners.

The soldiers, or more like blood thirsty revenge-seekers, had left their wild mark: death.

They had been traumatized by horrifying sights and lived mourning for their lost loved ones.

For many years, terror had not reigned on them.

They had lived in peace for almost a century after the last great battle. They had never suspected for such a thing to happen again so were living their simple and modest lives in happiness- not seeing that it was coming to them again.

their only daughter, aged only of four months.

Opalite, she was named as her unique beauty was like that of the precious stone: opal.

Hey Mikko!

I thought your story was a good start. Two things popped out at me.

aged only of four months.

She was gifted, they said.

Hey Mikko!

I'll go through the nit-piks first and then I'll give my overall impression

1. Nit-piks -

Women cried with their children clutching their sides over the dead bodies of their husbands and partners.

The soldiers, or more like blood thirsty revenge-seekers had left their wild mark: death.

and lived in mourn for their lost loved ones.

They had never suspected for such a thing to happen again so were living their simple and modest lives in happiness- never expecting that such a thing would be triggered off again.

The legend said that the people of Lugernham had been searching for something- something ever so precious to them for many, many years but still have not been able to find it because it belonged to Kalimina.

worries than wether or not the

aged only of four months.