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Resident hate

by questcrewforever


Night and day… Modern day gladiators… The two most skilled warriors, both fighting for their lives. Two rivals, about to make history. Night, the passive, mysterious fifteen year old girl, so young, and already fighting for the privilege of breathing… Though in her eyes, it was a punishment… She fought, and she covered it up by saying, to spare herself the pain, but she had other reasons… Her heart… She was deeply into romance, and she had never had the chance to find her love.

Day, the charming, strong eighteen year old man, determined to win his freedom at any cost, including killing innocent people and animals, but that was his desperation… Deep down, he was scared, scared of death… And losing his love…

The prospect of the violence they would both witness, and knew that they would, shook them to the core…

Both of them lay awake that night, thinking the same thoughts, dreaming the same dream, seeing the same stars…

Tomorrow… I will die…

A tear fell from Night’s eyes, one single tear, the most vulnerable she’d ever let herself look. Never did she shed a single tear, not when she had cuts running across her skin, not when she was ill, not when her wounds were infected, not when she was starved for a week for the mere act of showing mercy.

Night wasn’t meant to lead this life… She was calm, serene, and against violence, but she was skilled, and she was a slave, the ideal warrior.

Day merely stared out the small window by his bed, counting the stars in hope that sleep might come. He knew he was fighting Night, and he knew she was only fifteen, but his reason to live would only come after his freedom was granted… His wife.

Day knew he couldn’t kill her, that it was wrong, and his wife would hate him, but his need to see her again was proving too much… He didn’t know what to do…

First light came sooner than either of them had expected, neither of them were ready for the fight they would be faced with.

“Get up!” One of the men in charge of the slaves pulled Night roughly off her thin mattress, “Get up!”

“I’m up! God…”

“What was that?” He slapped her, pulling her close to him.

Their faces were merely an inch apart.

He wasn’t the first person that had tried to kiss her, and like the others, he hadn’t succeeded in the task.

“You heard me!” She hissed.

He sighed heavily, continuing to pull her along the long, dark, slimy hallway that stank of death, blood and sweat…

Her heart was pounding in her chest as she was pushed into a holding cage and given two rogue blades, nothing more… No armour, nothing…

Day was much the same, he fought back, he earned himself the same punishment. Day was given a shield and a long sword, and he didn’t know that Night had no defence aside from rogue blades.


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Fri Dec 03, 2021 10:37 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was a very interesting piece here. Its hard to say exactly what's happening in terms of context but we're told more than enough to make things very interesting and create at least a small sense of stakes here with this battle.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Night and day… Modern day gladiators… The two most skilled warriors, both fighting for their lives. Two rivals, about to make history. Night, the passive, mysterious fifteen year old girl, so young, and already fighting for the privilege of breathing… Though in her eyes, it was a punishment… She fought, and she covered it up by saying, to spare herself the pain, but she had other reasons… Her heart… She was deeply into romance, and she had never had the chance to find her love.

Day, the charming, strong eighteen year old man, determined to win his freedom at any cost, including killing innocent people and animals, but that was his desperation… Deep down, he was scared, scared of death… And losing his love…


OKayy...well that's an interesting duo, with very interesting names. I almost wonder if there's some sort of metaphorical situation happening and yet the backstories there are far too deep for this to be an elaborate metaphor for the day and the night...so all in all, a intriguing opening here, one that gets you asking quite a few questions and those are always the best openings.

The prospect of the violence they would both witness, and knew that they would, shook them to the core…

Both of them lay awake that night, thinking the same thoughts, dreaming the same dream, seeing the same stars…

Tomorrow… I will die…

A tear fell from Night’s eyes, one single tear, the most vulnerable she’d ever let herself look. Never did she shed a single tear, not when she had cuts running across her skin, not when she was ill, not when her wounds were infected, not when she was starved for a week for the mere act of showing mercy.


Ohhh...the story continues to deepen even further here. There's a very much myth like vibe to this whole situation of this story told hundred of years later and that's creating quite a fun atmosphere here as you detail these hardships that certainly sound like they are quite extreme.

Day merely stared out the small window by his bed, counting the stars in hope that sleep might come. He knew he was fighting Night, and he knew she was only fifteen, but his reason to live would only come after his freedom was granted… His wife.

Day knew he couldn’t kill her, that it was wrong, and his wife would hate him, but his need to see her again was proving too much… He didn’t know what to do…

First light came sooner than either of them had expected, neither of them were ready for the fight they would be faced with.

“Get up!” One of the men in charge of the slaves pulled Night roughly off her thin mattress, “Get up!”


And well so it seems this fight is going to end up happening regardless of the reservations and situations that both sides face. You've done a good job of establishing a sort of moral perspective for both these combatants and show how this is all a matter of circumstance. Its a really interesting setup to a fight here...and I think you do a great job building this up.

Their faces were merely an inch apart.

He wasn’t the first person that had tried to kiss her, and like the others, he hadn’t succeeded in the task.

“You heard me!” She hissed.

He sighed heavily, continuing to pull her along the long, dark, slimy hallway that stank of death, blood and sweat…

Her heart was pounding in her chest as she was pushed into a holding cage and given two rogue blades, nothing more… No armour, nothing…

Day was much the same, he fought back, he earned himself the same punishment. Day was given a shield and a long sword, and he didn’t know that Night had no defence aside from rogue blades.


Okayy...so it seems they end up not so evenly matched with the older more armored person having the clear and distinct advantage here and the scene ends with them heading to this fight that clearly neither of them really want to take part in. Its a strong moment there to end on and I think you do a pretty good establishing this.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think we've got ourselves a pretty strong start here to something...and its definitely interesting enough that I find myself wanting to read on more here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Feb 21, 2011 3:08 am
Celdover wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm Dover and I shall be reviewing you today.

The first thing that struck me about this piece was its vagueness. Who are these gladiators? The man? The woman? Why are they forced to fight if they love each other? Did they commit a crime of forbidden love? These questions eventually have answers, but these answers are thrown at us in a disorganized lump, making your story very confusing. Might I suggest that you identify exactly what you would like to show your readers? Then organize your paragraphs and sentences so that we are given a clear image. It would also be a good idea to connect one subject to the next instead of jumping randomly from one to the other. For instance, you could establish the man as a warrior of the realm who has a reputation to defend, which would explain why he would have to kill someone he loved. Then you could move on to what his lover is like and how the situation affects her. This will give your readers something solid to follow.

I also think that it would be good to establish how your characters got to where they are. Right now you have two people being forced to fight and we're not given much context. Why should we care about these characters? The fact that I'm not really sure what these characters' personalities are like contributes to the fact that I don't feel a lot of suspense in this story. Instead of telling us that this is a love ending in tragedy why not show us why it is tragic? What was the affair like for them? Why did they love one another? Why aren't they concocting a plan to escape this fate?

To clarify on Jennya's point, the story has an overdose of ellipses. A sentence always ends with one period, question mark, or exclamation point unless a character or narrator is trailing off. Overusing ellipses doesn't make your writing look pleasing to the eye so they should be few and far between.

Overall this story has the potential to be something more. It just needs a little love and dedication to make it shine. Keep working at it!

Hope this helps! You're welcome to PM me with any questions or comments.

--Dover




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Sun Feb 20, 2011 8:59 am
Jennya says...



I like it. I really don't have much to say except you use ... to much.





Man is by nature a political animal.
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