Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This is off to a decent start I think. A few changes do seem required here if this is going to get any better, but for the most part I think it does fairly okay, and you've managed to create a pretty powerful opening scene here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
February eleventh, three days till valentines day.
Fights stink, we all know that. But what happens when it drives you to cut? Or makes you feel like all you're there for in life is to help fill the world. But, to someone that is always hurt, it's impossible to stand all the time.
Listen in on the fight that's happening right now between Renee (Kitten) and troy (Tbone):
OKayyy...so, this sounds like our narrator here who is sort of giving some actually good advice there by the looks of it and using the life experiences they seem to have before we're now seemingly panning to this raqndom fight between two people.
Tbone: Lol I totally agree...Twilight has no real base...It sux.
Kitten <3: Lol so wats uup..?.
Tbone: Lol nothin chillin..U.?
Kitten <3: Same...Lol but im trying to do homework
Tbone: Ugh do u have ms.Telsa?
Kitten <3: Ya lol sadly...Her homeworks hard!!
Tbone: Lol thats no fun...Im watching Finding Nemo =)
Kitten <3: Lol well that's fun!!
Tbone: Ikr its a good movie..
Kitten <3: Lol so wanna hear something funny?
Tbone: Lol sure.
Okayy...so I'[m going to assume this is a text message conversation, cause this is definitely not how real people would talk in a proper conversation, you might want to highlight that, and well, I guess we're off to a pretty random start here, with just a typical conversation between what appears to be teenagers.
Kitten <3: Ur brother likes mee
Tbone: Wtf which onee?????
Kitten <3: Niq...Lol
Tbone: Ok so i just asked him and he said he dont kno u
Kitten <3: Well ok..lol nice to kno hes liein
Tbone: Umm i believe him more.
Kitten <3: Buutt im tellin the truth =(
Tbone: Well w/e screw u i cant stand ppl that lie...byee
Okayy...that's not a great fight. I can't even really say if these are friends or what. It seems like a lot of fuss created about what appears to be a very simple misunderstanding of some sort and thing just escalated a little out of proportion, I feel like you really need to build up this little situation a lot more or its simply not that justified.
Isn't drama just lovely? Well Renee surely thinks not. As soon as the fight is over Renee rushes down her stairs to her kitchen, finds the sharpest knife she can and sat on the counter.
She slid it across her wrist wanting to feel pain other than in her heart. her heart felt like it was being torn out with a dull knife.
She liked Troy (A.K.A Tbone) alot and was pissed she got dissed.
Her arms were red with old scars and marks from when she'd cut. To her pain felt like happiness finally entering her body. Joy in a small ,sharp package.
She wiped the blood from her arm and stashed the knife. She could disinfect it later, but now she had to hurry up and get to school before she was late.
She already had one of the best attendance records there was. No use in ruining it over some hurting heart and arm.
Okayy..and that ends on an even stronger premise there. Wow, that suggests this person was really hurt rather badly there and I don't quite know what direction this story is swinging things in. On one hand, we get to see a pretty well done bit where this person is suffering here, but the cause for all that isn't really all that clear.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: This is...not the greatest moment here. Its not bad, in fact that ending and that opening are both pretty powerful and make you want to read on but the middle section is the weak point here, I don't think it does enough to establish this main conflict here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 253238
Reviews: 4095
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