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Crack in the Heart

by AlyKat


February eleventh, three days till valentines day.

Fights stink, we all know that. But what happens when it drives you to cut? Or makes you feel like all you're there for in life is to help fill the world. But, to someone that is always hurt, it's impossible to stand all the time.

Listen in on the fight that's happening right now between Renee (Kitten) and troy (Tbone):

Tbone: Lol I totally agree...Twilight has no real base...It sux.

Kitten <3: Lol so wats uup..?.

Tbone: Lol nothin chillin..U.?

Kitten <3: Same...Lol but im trying to do homework

Tbone: Ugh do u have ms.Telsa?

Kitten <3: Ya lol sadly...Her homeworks hard!!

Tbone: Lol thats no fun...Im watching Finding Nemo =)

Kitten <3: Lol well that's fun!!

Tbone: Ikr its a good movie..

Kitten <3: Lol so wanna hear something funny?

Tbone: Lol sure.

Kitten <3: Ur brother likes mee

Tbone: Wtf which onee?????

Kitten <3: Niq...Lol

Tbone: Ok so i just asked him and he said he dont kno u

Kitten <3: Well ok..lol nice to kno hes liein

Tbone: Umm i believe him more.

Kitten <3: Buutt im tellin the truth =(

Tbone: Well w/e screw u i cant stand ppl that lie...byee

Isn't drama just lovely? Well Renee surely thinks not. As soon as the fight is over Renee rushes down her stairs to her kitchen, finds the sharpest knife she can and sat on the counter.

She slid it across her wrist wanting to feel pain other than in her heart. her heart felt like it was being torn out with a dull knife.

She liked Troy (A.K.A Tbone) alot and was pissed she got dissed.

Her arms were red with old scars and marks from when she'd cut. To her pain felt like happiness finally entering her body. Joy in a small ,sharp package.

She wiped the blood from her arm and stashed the knife. She could disinfect it later, but now she had to hurry up and get to school before she was late.

She already had one of the best attendance records there was. No use in ruining it over some hurting heart and arm.


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Fri Dec 03, 2021 3:13 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is off to a decent start I think. A few changes do seem required here if this is going to get any better, but for the most part I think it does fairly okay, and you've managed to create a pretty powerful opening scene here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

February eleventh, three days till valentines day.

Fights stink, we all know that. But what happens when it drives you to cut? Or makes you feel like all you're there for in life is to help fill the world. But, to someone that is always hurt, it's impossible to stand all the time.

Listen in on the fight that's happening right now between Renee (Kitten) and troy (Tbone):


OKayyy...so, this sounds like our narrator here who is sort of giving some actually good advice there by the looks of it and using the life experiences they seem to have before we're now seemingly panning to this raqndom fight between two people.

Tbone: Lol I totally agree...Twilight has no real base...It sux.

Kitten <3: Lol so wats uup..?.

Tbone: Lol nothin chillin..U.?

Kitten <3: Same...Lol but im trying to do homework

Tbone: Ugh do u have ms.Telsa?

Kitten <3: Ya lol sadly...Her homeworks hard!!

Tbone: Lol thats no fun...Im watching Finding Nemo =)

Kitten <3: Lol well that's fun!!

Tbone: Ikr its a good movie..

Kitten <3: Lol so wanna hear something funny?

Tbone: Lol sure.


Okayy...so I'[m going to assume this is a text message conversation, cause this is definitely not how real people would talk in a proper conversation, you might want to highlight that, and well, I guess we're off to a pretty random start here, with just a typical conversation between what appears to be teenagers.

Kitten <3: Ur brother likes mee

Tbone: Wtf which onee?????

Kitten <3: Niq...Lol

Tbone: Ok so i just asked him and he said he dont kno u

Kitten <3: Well ok..lol nice to kno hes liein

Tbone: Umm i believe him more.

Kitten <3: Buutt im tellin the truth =(

Tbone: Well w/e screw u i cant stand ppl that lie...byee


Okayy...that's not a great fight. I can't even really say if these are friends or what. It seems like a lot of fuss created about what appears to be a very simple misunderstanding of some sort and thing just escalated a little out of proportion, I feel like you really need to build up this little situation a lot more or its simply not that justified.

Isn't drama just lovely? Well Renee surely thinks not. As soon as the fight is over Renee rushes down her stairs to her kitchen, finds the sharpest knife she can and sat on the counter.

She slid it across her wrist wanting to feel pain other than in her heart. her heart felt like it was being torn out with a dull knife.

She liked Troy (A.K.A Tbone) alot and was pissed she got dissed.

Her arms were red with old scars and marks from when she'd cut. To her pain felt like happiness finally entering her body. Joy in a small ,sharp package.

She wiped the blood from her arm and stashed the knife. She could disinfect it later, but now she had to hurry up and get to school before she was late.

She already had one of the best attendance records there was. No use in ruining it over some hurting heart and arm.


Okayy..and that ends on an even stronger premise there. Wow, that suggests this person was really hurt rather badly there and I don't quite know what direction this story is swinging things in. On one hand, we get to see a pretty well done bit where this person is suffering here, but the cause for all that isn't really all that clear.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: This is...not the greatest moment here. Its not bad, in fact that ending and that opening are both pretty powerful and make you want to read on but the middle section is the weak point here, I don't think it does enough to establish this main conflict here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Feb 13, 2011 3:36 am
PatriciaTina wrote a review...



Hey AlyKat! I just saw on my feed that you posted this, and I thought I'd drop in and review! So here we are...

To begin, I'd just like to say that I like what you've got going so far. It's quite a short introduction, but it's a really promising start.

Characters/Descriptions

I can clearly see how you're trying to introduce her character, with the cutting and way she talks online, but you need a bit more description; as well as less blatant telling of what she feels. We need to be able to clearly feel her emotions, and what is going on in her head without you blatantly stating it in your descriptions. It's more interesting to be gently introduced to the characters than dumped right in immediately.

And, this goes without saying, but it's so important that I'm just going to say it anyways. SHOW don't TELL! You need to be more descriptive in all of your story. Paint us a picture of everything that's going on, and everything that she thinks and feels. Don't just tell us what's going on, show it.

Nit-Picks/Grammar

So, here I'll point out some mistakes that I noticed that you might want to look at again. You're pretty good for spelling and sentence length, but there's just a few things that I'd like to point out.

Renee was just waking up to a new day. It was Friday, which meant after today she had hardly any time to find a valentine.
But after her fight with a friend last night, It won't be easy.


This is something that is extremely important for all writers, and that is choosing a tense and sticking with it. You can't switch between past and present tense at all throughout your story, otherwise it reads a bit annoyingly, if that makes sense. Readers don't want to be tossed around during a piece of writing between tenses, they want it to be just one continuous tense. Choose one to write in, and make sure you don't switch between them.

But after her fight with a friend last night, It won't be easy.


"It" should not be capitalized, since it is not the beginning of a new sentence or a proper noun.

Also, this is a bit awkward wording. Maybe try rewording it a bit.

Also, this quote is a bit confusing when you read this next one as well:

Cause' right after the fight she ran downstairs,


So, you say that the fight took place the night before, and then you say that she runs downstairs right after the fight. And then, right after the scene in the kitchen you say:

She wiped the blood from her arm and stashed the knife. She could disinfect it later, but now she had to hurry up and get to school before she was late.


When is this all taking place? Because it seems like she's in the kitchen right after the fight, stashing the knife just then. However, with the part about being late for school, it seems like you just jumped right through the night and to the morning.

Make sure you make it clear to your readers what is going on and when it is happening, to avoid other situations like the one I just pointed out.

To her pain felt like happiness finally entering her body.


There should be a comma right after the first "her".

There's this book I found out about recently that I think you could find incredibly useful just to fix up any grammar problems that you may be a bit unsure about, and that is "A Writer's Reference" by Diana Hacker. It basically has everything you need to know about grammar and writing, and I think that it should be a staple on any writer's bookshelf.

Check it out, maybe take it out from the library to see what it's like; if you like it, buy it! It's like a lifesaver for any writer, and I'd recommend it to anyone pursuing writing at all, or even just taking and english course.

Anyways, enough advertising for one review! Let's move on.

Overall/Voice

As I said earlier, I think that you have a really promising start here, and with a little polishing you'll have a really good beginning to your story.

Your voice is really unique and quite personal, almost like someone talking to you. However, one thing with that type of writing is that you always must make sure that it's all still easily able to be understood by your reader. Your piece needs to be able to be read easily, so that people don't get annoyed or frustrated because of awkward and confusing sentences. Make sure you always proofread, as well as get others to help with your proofreading.

I also just have a suggestion to make that might make your story better. You might find that writing it in first person will help you get everything across more interestingly, and fit the story better. Your story seems like it's going to be quite focused on the one character and her feelings/thoughts, so it might just make it better to have her telling the story. That's just a suggestion, and completely up to you though. It's your story, so it's your decision! (Though that goes for everything in this review as well. It's all up to you on what to do with your story!)

Anyways, that's about all I have to say for now. Wow, that was pretty long! So, I'd just like to once more say good job, and I can't wait to read more of this story! Please continue! I'll be keeping an eye on my feed for your next chapter, and then I'll pop by there and review!

I hope that this helped, and make sure you PM me if you have any questions or anything that you'd like to say to me about this review. Keep writing, and I'll see you around! :D




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Sat Feb 12, 2011 12:30 am
AlyKat says...



I know its short but its just an introduction





I can factcheck ur flashback outfits
— SirenCymbaline