Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this is a little bit of a mess to be rather straightforward here. Somewhere in here is a pretty cool title, and a decent sounding premise but the execution here needs a lot of work. The pacing is entirely too fast and things just kind of randomly happen super quickly and it is very hard to follow along or understand what's happening.
Anyway let's get right to it,
My clothes flew behind me,going with the wind.My hair was flying crazy around my head.Silver balls of light had formed in my hands,"Now.Rise my Child!RISE!"my voice screamed.A sickining crack was heard as a coffin broke.The earth cracked into two pieces and the people who were visiting graves were screaming and running away from me.All except one,a newspaper reporter."FLEE THE PREMISIS LITTLE HUMAN!"my demon shrieked.He stood still,as if debating to or not.While she was distracted by him I fought to gain control over my body again.
VICTORY!I dropped atleast 20 feet out of the air.This is going to hurt.My body stopped in midfall.What?"What?"I voiced my question."I caught you.What was that?"the reporter smirked.He was about 16 or 17,blonde,buff,and cocky."Ugh!"I climbed out of his arms."Keith.Come back to the van!"a shrill voice called from a van beside him."Allright Anna!"he called back."See ya later sexy."he growled before running to the van.My body shook in anger.Making sure no one saw I transformed into a wolf.
Okayy...that was a bit too much there to start on. A lovely piece of exciting action to kick something off is definitely something quite neat, but here we've now got a situation where its pretty clear that some serious things do be going down but also a situation where there's a lot of words flung in our face rather quickly, a bit too quickly and it becomes a bit hard to process as a reader, which isn't a good plan for the start of a story.
I was a demon wolf,brunette,smart,and 117 years old(aka 17 in human years).My eyes were a violet color with silver specks around the pupil.Nothing special.Right?I ran to my ferrari,where atleast 10 guys were around.Oops,wolf form."Hey look.Lets see if its like us."a guy smirked."Paul.No."another one said."But Sam."Paul whined.I snorted and ran into the forest to change back.After I changed I heard rustles."Back off."my voice growled.My clothes were still on but they were ripped."I have to change back off NOW!" still they sauntered in.Luckily my shirt and pants weren't torn in places they shouldn't be.
"Woah.Sam,Jake,Quil,Jared,Embry,EVERYONE.come here!"Paul barked.I quickly changed into my clothes when he wasn't looking."Sam.Its a chick.A Wolf chick."Paul said in full ignorance."I'm Sam,Alpha in our pack.Jake is Beta."Sam shook my hand."Lyssa,lone wolf."he nodded and I walked to my car."T-This is yours?"Jake asked me."Yeah.All Goddesses need a chariot."smirking,I rode off to my mansion.
Aaaand the pacing here is just entirely too fast...if the front part was a bit messy, this is just entirely too fast and it become a bit of a mess of text there. We have a crazy amount of characters being tossed at us very quickly and the introductions and everything fly by so quickly they barely register for us as readers. You really need to work on slowing this whole scene down and maybe making that the whole first bit here because as it is, there's a lot of jargon that seems honestly a bit cliche and not much else.
I woke up and walked to my closet."Black skinnies,black w/neon green lettering three days grace tee,and lime green converse."I ordered my closet.Two minutes later I walked out my door.Embry,Quil,Jake,Paul,and Jared were waiting for me in Jake's Rabbit."get in."embry smirked."Nope.Ferrari."was my reply.I jumped into my car and drove off without another word.
At school I walked into the class."Lyssa.Your late."the teacher growled.I smirked and waved it off."Sorry.I was being stalked,had to lose them."I gave him my reason looking at the only pack person in my class.Jared.I sat in my seat at the back,pulling my ipod out.Thermacare by Chiodos started playing as I sketched my goddess form.Oo perfect song for Michael.My hand shot up immediatly."Mr.Gresham,can I talk to the principal?"he nodded and gave me a pass.
Oncce in the principals office I shut the door."Hey Uncle Brock.Can I host a performance?For uh back to school?"I smiled.He nodded and I went to the cafeteria."Everyone to the Cafe please."his voice ripped the silence on the intercom.Everyone rushed into the Cafeteria just as I was finished setting up.My music was playing as they walked in.I had made a makeshift stage with tables so peopple were standing."This is for you Michael."I screamed before starting.I started Thermacare by Chiodos and finally changed to Undead by hollywood undead."So Get up out the way!Tommarow we'll rise up.so let's fight today.I don't give a f*ck what you think or say."I sang.jake came up and rapped some and so did jared.
Yeah..this is just going along wayy off the rails here and I am finding it really hard to try and follow along at the moment. The rapid pacing coupled with just tons of exposition and characters being thrown at us is creating a mess of this scene, not to mention this character from what we can see is also proving to just have a very unlikeable personality here.
"LYSSA DO YOUR PUPPY DANCE!"my friend,Bethany,screamed above the music."NO!"I screamed back."DO IT PLEEEASE>"I groaned and turned around and shook my but,stop-drop-and twirl,and a few cartwheels and back flips.Guys whistled and then Micheal smirked."If you want lyssa to take her shirt off whistle."he spoke as he came onstage.A few whistles were heard before I came around and punched Michael in the nose."Not gonna happen boys."I smirked.I finally got to play let the bodies hit the floor by drowning pool.Which as perdicted(not written) everyones bodies hit the floor.I always make that happen.I groaned and pulled every body to a sit up position with my hands.
Sometimes I hate being a goddess.Then again I am the goddess of maddness,anger and mental."Rise.And go back to how you were."I spoke calmly.Everyone immideatly went to class.
Aaand well, the title at least seemed to have gotten its pay off...that was the only bit that somewhat made sense in this rather convoluted piece. Well...at the end, well it just seems like a bit more of the same, only this time the pacing is marginally better here. You just need to really think about this one here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, we've got some serious issues right here with how this has been structured and I think you've gotta work on that one a bit. As it is now, things just don't seem like they'd really work all that well as a story just in general.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 253913
Reviews: 4100
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