Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

May these words of mine provide some assuagement to all who have suffered.

For twenty years I have wandered throughout the Eastern Bloc in search of a land that provides its inhabitants some magnitude of Liberty. As there exists no such land, I have ultimately failed in this task. I now experience an epiphany of sorts: perhaps, although I am physically constrained by the demeaning laws of this land, I may find a way in which to liberate another aspect of my self. My mind, which has been ever so hindered by the iniquitous legislation of the Soviets, is, perhaps, within my ability to liberate. Upon observation of my situation, it is quite simple to come to the conclusion that I am, and have always been, a Slave. However, upon closer examination, I have determined that I remain a slave only as long as my oppressors dominate my spirit.

Alright, this makes for an interesting start here, although I have to say, I'm not terribly sure exactly where this piece is trying to go. It feels like its being a little bit more vague than is perhaps advised there...cause we've got mentions of some fairly powerful things happening and yet it doesn't necessarily seem to fully tell us what is going on in this particular part here. Its a good enough start to get a reader's attention though.

This notion is, possibly, more painful than simply assuming the role of a Slave for the remainder of my years. In my youth, my heart was viciously purloined from me in the Kolyma. I deeply fear that there it remains. The search for my heart is an arduous one; the Soviets do not take kindly to a man who embarks on such a task. I will face their oppression with every step. And yet I realize that I will continue to suffer with the absence of my heart, and so I have committed myself to endure this venture.

Okay, so with that things start to fall into place a little bit more. It seems to mention someone that is perhaps currently slave, maybe a recently escaped one somehow that's looking for a land where they can be free perhaps, then the whole search for freedom having failed part of things from the first paragraph would make sense. All in all, there appears to be an interesting set of emotions being created here and I think its working out quite well.

One may request either of two things to appease his suffering: retribution or solace. It is no interest of mine to seek redemption against my oppressors: their punishment will transpire naturally with the passing of time, as they become increasingly cognizant of the extent of their offense against an entire nation. Gentle solace is that of which I intend to attain. I believe that these very words, penned with my own trembling hands, shall provide me this. I believe that my heart shall be liberated only if I am to recount every long, rigorous year in the North. As I reminisce upon my suffering, I shall alternatively triumph once again as I remember the way in which I conquered every impediment that presented itself before me. I shall revitalize the spirit of the boy I once was with these words and, with that, become the virtuous person I was in my youth.

While this is the testament of Pavel Milodanovich Grigoryev, it is also the attestation of the torture of ten thousand others who once walked by my side.

Okay, so with that things start to fall into place a little bit more. It seems to mention someone that is perhaps currently slave, maybe a recently escaped one somehow that's looking for a land where they can be free perhaps, then the whole search for freedom having failed part of things from the first paragraph would make sense. All in all, there appears to be an interesting set of emotions being created here and I think its working out quite well.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi! Jet here for a quick review. Please excuse any errors, 'cause I'm out of practice at reviewing, but this caught my eye as I'm pretty interested in this period. I know none of the detail, though.

As this is a prologue, I feel an obligation to mention its purpose. This is actually one of the more appropriate uses of the prologue, but I would have titled it "Kolyma River - Ab Initio" and used it as an introduction instead. Same text, but without the stigma of the label.

My other concerns lie with the style. I like the capitalisation of Heart, Liberty, Ghost, etc, to create a sense of the old, but it does seem that you overused the thesaurus. There are very few instances where "peregrinated" will fit seamlessly into a piece of text without interrupting the flow, and as this is a narrative, the vocabulary should be more natural. That doesn't mean you have to limit your use of words, but it does require a certain amount of selectiveness when you're constructing a sentence. For example, though I understand the sentiment in the use of "assuagement", I have to pause to question why you've used it, and this pulls me out of the narrative. Once in a while, it's fine, but when I'm stopping more than once a paragraph to use my dictionary or wonder at the use of such an obscure adjective, I don't have time to consider what those words mean in the first place.

It's intensified by the long sentences. Make sure you don't overuse the colon and commas just to keep the sentence running, because sometimes, a full stop will suffice to vary the sentence structure and give the reader a break. This is probably the worst offender:

For three score I have peregrinated throughout the sparse lands within the Eastern Bloc that boast unprecedented magnitudes of Liberty, but, all the while, my thoughts have remained occupied by the egregious way in which the days of my youth were squandered and ultimately purloined from my very hands all together.

The combination of the odd use of vocabulary and the long sentence renders it almost unreadable. As these words are the first your reader comes upon, you want to engage him or her, not alienate them. It's a difficult balance to achieve. I suggest that you replace your more flowery words with some simple ones, and compare the drafts. If you find that without them, you don't feel the introduction has the same impact, put the introduction aside for now and debate its inclusion at a later date.

Lastly, be careful about excess in sentences. In that example I quoted above, you use "throughout" where "though" will suffice, an "all the while" where it is probably superfluous, and a "very" to qualify "hands", which expresses little in the way of emotion. All of these slow the pace of these paragraphs down to a trickle, and again, lose the reader's attention.

It's always difficult to set up the story in a few paragraphs and even more so to write something that encourages the reader to stick with you. Assess the purpose of these paragraphs and consider whether they're simply aesthetic. However, I can see from this that the story you're setting up is going to be worth reading; you've got to decide whether these paragraphs do the best job of getting that across. Hope my review helps!

- Jet.