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My jealous zombie ex-girlfriend - chapter one

by retrodisco666


"You're what!" I turned my head from left to right, the entire room had fallen dead and prying eyes were set on us.

"I - I" I gulped heavily, I could feel the sweat begin to collect n my forehead

"I'm breaking up with you," A gasp or two, there was no major response. Her eyes narrowed like daggers,

"Is this because of that bitch, Lacey Tellement," She spun around to face the other side of the room, to see Lacey, the small red headed girl cowering in fear.

"No! It's because. . . I just don't want to be with you anymore, i'm sorry but I think -"

"Don't even think about saying that!" She screamed, her hazel hair dangling in front of her face.

"But I do, I think we should just be friends." A hot pain emerged on the side of my face, i could feel her anger in the side of my head. She stormed out the room in the most dramtic way, the rest of the room had returned to their normal buisness.

That was October 18th, a perfectly normal day, or so I thought. That night at nine thirty-four, project Frankenstein had it's success; they had brought back to life Hannah Wong, who died in child birth third weeks prior. They pressummed that she'd come back to life, they had never imagined the chaos it would cause. Hannah killed thirty scientists, and more guards, but they were not dead for long. The zombie films from years ago were more accurate than anyone could have imagined. Hannah escaped, she had taken down Las Vegas by midnight, and at eight twenty-six the following day, the rest of the world declared the united states of America, no-mans land. There would be escape and survival packages dropped and aid given if anyone would contact over the radios scattered across the nation, but other than that, we were alone.

Have you ever woken up and just known that it was to be a bad day? Well I had that, it wasn't because of anything like school or any usual problems, it was the bloodcurdling screams of my parents. I ran out of my room full pace to the kitchen. My parents mangled corpses were strewn across the breakfast table with unholy manner and with Mr Ireson from across the street with intestine dripping from his teeth, I just screamed. His face jerked up, his eyes narrowed and he jumped onto the side. His feet colliding with my mothers ribs causing a loud crack. He then leapt across the kitchen towards me, so I ran. I sprinted up the stairs and slammed the door, within seconds the sound of fingers where coarsing against the wood. I put my face in my palms to think, I was so afraid, so scared, convinced I was dreaming. My hands became wet with tears. I slowly and cautiously stood up and grabbed the complete works of shakespeare my aunt Joanna sent me from England, it had to be the thing that weighed the most in my room. I rested my back against the door next to the door frame waiting for Mr Ireson to come in.

"Jake, Jake up," I was stirred awake. I was still reliving that night, my book never looked the same once he got into the room. I sat up in the hole we were in and looked around at my fellow three survivors, today was the 20th October, and it was only just the beggining.


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2848 Reviews


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Sun Nov 28, 2021 10:54 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay...a pretty exciting first chapter that you've got here, a little too fast paced towards the end but otherwise, this looks to be a pretty solid piece here on first glance.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"You're what!" I turned my head from left to right, the entire room had fallen dead and prying eyes were set on us.

"I - I" I gulped heavily, I could feel the sweat begin to collect n my forehead

"I'm breaking up with you," A gasp or two, there was no major response. Her eyes narrowed like daggers,

"Is this because of that bitch, Lacey Tellement," She spun around to face the other side of the room, to see Lacey, the small red headed girl cowering in fear.

"No! It's because. . . I just don't want to be with you anymore, i'm sorry but I think -"


Okayy...so we're off to quite the start here straightaway, not exactly a high adrenaline chase sequence or fight scene, but definitely the sort of scene that tends to grab your attention pretty well here. A breakup situation that appears to be really escalating there...and well, let's see where this goes.

"Don't even think about saying that!" She screamed, her hazel hair dangling in front of her face.

"But I do, I think we should just be friends." A hot pain emerged on the side of my face, i could feel her anger in the side of my head. She stormed out the room in the most dramtic way, the rest of the room had returned to their normal buisness.

That was October 18th, a perfectly normal day, or so I thought. That night at nine thirty-four, project Frankenstein had it's success; they had brought back to life Hannah Wong, who died in child birth third weeks prior. They pressummed that she'd come back to life, they had never imagined the chaos it would cause. Hannah killed thirty scientists, and more guards, but they were not dead for long. The zombie films from years ago were more accurate than anyone could have imagined. Hannah escaped, she had taken down Las Vegas by midnight, and at eight twenty-six the following day, the rest of the world declared the united states of America, no-mans land. There would be escape and survival packages dropped and aid given if anyone would contact over the radios scattered across the nation, but other than that, we were alone.


Oh wow....well that escalated quickly, oh my goodness, this one went from a breakup that looked like it could turn ugly to a full on zombie apocalypse in just a single paragraph and I strangely love this. Usually I don't like things that go quite this fast at the start, but with this particular context, I think this burst of speed her as the plot moves rapidly forward makes a lot of sense, and I'm very excited to see where this goes.

Have you ever woken up and just known that it was to be a bad day? Well I had that, it wasn't because of anything like school or any usual problems, it was the bloodcurdling screams of my parents. I ran out of my room full pace to the kitchen. My parents mangled corpses were strewn across the breakfast table with unholy manner and with Mr Ireson from across the street with intestine dripping from his teeth, I just screamed. His face jerked up, his eyes narrowed and he jumped onto the side. His feet colliding with my mothers ribs causing a loud crack. He then leapt across the kitchen towards me, so I ran. I sprinted up the stairs and slammed the door, within seconds the sound of fingers where coarsing against the wood. I put my face in my palms to think, I was so afraid, so scared, convinced I was dreaming. My hands became wet with tears. I slowly and cautiously stood up and grabbed the complete works of shakespeare my aunt Joanna sent me from England, it had to be the thing that weighed the most in my room. I rested my back against the door next to the door frame waiting for Mr Ireson to come in.

"Jake, Jake up," I was stirred awake. I was still reliving that night, my book never looked the same once he got into the room. I sat up in the hole we were in and looked around at my fellow three survivors, today was the 20th October, and it was only just the beggining.


Okayy....powerful stuff right away, and here I feel like maybe the pacing got a little too fast. It made sense for that earlier paragraph, but a moment as emotional as waking up to seeing you're parents getting murdered in such a horrifying fashion is the sort of moment that you want to really take the time to showcase so that it can properly sink into the readers, so I think you need to slow that ending down a bit, but otherwise, I think this is a neat little start here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think this is a solid start to this story here, just a couple of adjustments to be made but for the most part, this is done really well and I think it's certainly interesting enough that I would definitely read more of this. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Dec 29, 2010 11:15 pm
ErBear wrote a review...



"You're what#FF0000 ">?!" #FF0000 ">She shouted loudly, catching everyone's attention. I turned my head from left to right, #FF0000 ">noticing that the entire room had fallen dead and #FF0000 ">everyone's prying eyes were set on us.
"I - I" #FF0000 ">Use "I... I..." I gulped heavily#FF0000 ">, and could feel the sticky sweat begin to collect #FF0000 ">on my forehead#FF0000 ">period here!!
"I'm breaking up with you," A gasp or two #FF0000 ">followed, #FF0000 ">but other than thatthere was no major response. Her eyes narrowed like daggers,
"Is this because of #FF0000 ">Lacey Tellement? Where is that little bitch?" She spun around to face the other side of the room, #FF0000 ">no comma to see the small red#FF0000 ">-headed girl#FF0000 "> named Lacey cowering in fear.
"No! It's because. . . I just don't want to be with you anymore, i'm #FF0000 ">capitalize I sorry but I think#FF0000 ">..."
"Don't #FF0000 ">you dare even think about saying that!" She screamed, her hazel hair dangling in front of her face.
"But I do, #FF0000 ">; instead of , I think we should just be friends." A hot pain #FF0000 ">suddenly burned on the side of my face, #FF0000 ">and I could feel her anger in the side of my head. She stormed out the room in the most dramtic #FF0000 ">dramaticway, #FF0000 ">and, as if it had never happened, the rest of the room had returned to their normal buisness #FF0000 ">business.

That was October 18th, a perfectly normal day, or so I thought. That night at nine thirty-four, project #FF0000 ">capitalize Project Frankenstein had it's #FF0000 ">its success; they had brought back to life Hannah Wong, who died in childbirth third weeks prior. They pressummed that she'd come back to life, they had never imagined the chaos it would cause. #FF0000 ">This sentance doesn't make much sense, so I crossed it out. Try to find some way to reword it. Hannah killed thirty scientists, #FF0000 ">no comma and #FF0000 ">many more guards, but they were not dead for long. The zombie films from years ago were more accurate than anyone could have imagined. #FF0000 ">This sentance is kind of random. It doesn't really fit with your topic. Hannah escaped#FF0000 ">. She had taken down Las Vegas by midnight, and at eight twenty-six the following day, the rest of the world declared #FF0000 ">the United States of America a no-man's land. There would be escape and survival packages dropped and aid given if anyone would contact over the radios scattered across the nation, but other than that, we were alone. #FF0000 ">This sentance doesn't make much sense. What are you trying to say?

Have you #FF0000 ">try not to use the word 'you' in your writing. ever woken up and just known that it was to be a bad day? Well #FF0000 ">comma here I #FF0000 ">woke up knowing that it was one of those days. Not because of school or anything like that. It was because I woke up hearing the blood-curdling screams of my parents. I ran out of my room full pace to the kitchen. My parents #FF0000 ">parent's mangled corpses were strewn across the breakfast table with unholy manner#FF0000 ">. Standing above them, with intestine dripping from his teeth, was Mr. Ireson from across the street. Seeing this, all I could do was scream. His face jerked up, his eyes narrowed #FF0000 ">comma here and he jumped onto the side #FF0000 ">table. His feet #FF0000 ">landed on my mother's corpse, and I could hear her ribs sickeningly crack.#FF0000 ">Eyes locked on me, he leapt across the kitchen towards me, so I ran. I sprinted up the stairs and slammed the door, #FF0000 ">and within seconds the sound of fingers #FF0000 ">clawing at wood #FF0000 ">filled the hallway. I put my face in my palms #FF0000 ">and thought, I'm so scared! What am I doing? I must be dreaming. Yes, that's it. I'm dreaming. My hands #FF0000 ">hadbecame wet with tears. I slowly and cautiously stood up and grabbed #FF0000 ">a book my aunt Joanna sent me from England, #FF0000 ">titled The Complete Works of Shakespeare. #FF0000 ">It was the heaviest thing within reach. I rested my back against the door#FF0000 ">comma next to the door frame #FF0000 ">comma waiting for #FF0000 ">Mr. Ireson to come in.

"#FF0000 ">Jake! Jake, wake up!" I #FF0000 ">woke up still reliving that night#FF0000 ">, and as I looked around, my book never looked the same once he got into the room. I sat up in the hole we were in and looked around at my fellow three survivors#FF0000 ">. Today was the 20th October, and it was only just the beginning.





When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
— Eric Hoffer