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Rose Prologue

by RoseGryffindor


She paced back and forth furiously in her dark prison. Unable to control her anger anymore, she let out an agonizing howl of frustration. How dare she! How dare that girl keep me locked in here, she thought, powerless, unable to escape. Scowling, she knew deep down inside that she was really angry at herself for letting this happen. She had been careless and hadn't recognized the signs. Her Shells, the soulless, empty, human-like-beings that she inhabited, had always been complacent and obedient, letting her rest safely until it was her time to come out. Where had she gone wrong? What was so different this time that her Shell had changed to acquire a soul? She kept going over it, thinking over every little detail of every memory, no matter how unimportant. They were built so they couldn’t have souls, and to have a soul is to be able to feel, and Shells don’t do that. They’re organic, pre-programmed computers that do what is necessary to blend in, to make sure their host remains safe and resting. But somewhere, somehow, something had happened and She had started to feel and when She gained Her own consciousness she was pushed back into the dark recesses of Her mind. The only way she could get out (according to the laws of mind-host sharing in the world of magic) was if she got Her permission. But she had been unable to contact her host. Now she was locked inside the girl's mind, pushed aside into the very back recesses. Sighing, she resumed her pacing, waiting for her opportunity to be free.


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Mon Sep 27, 2021 5:58 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

She paced back and forth furiously in her dark prison. Unable to control her anger anymore, she let out an agonizing howl of frustration. How dare she! How dare that girl keep me locked in here, she thought, powerless, unable to escape. Scowling, she knew deep down inside that she was really angry at herself for letting this happen. She had been careless and hadn't recognized the signs. Her Shells, the soulless, empty, human-like-beings that she inhabited, had always been complacent and obedient, letting her rest safely until it was her time to come out. Where had she gone wrong? What was so different this time that her Shell had changed to acquire a soul? She kept going over it, thinking over every little detail of every memory, no matter how unimportant. They were built so they couldn’t have souls, and to have a soul is to be able to feel, and Shells don’t do that. They’re organic, pre-programmed computers that do what is necessary to blend in, to make sure their host remains safe and resting. But somewhere, somehow, something had happened and She had started to feel and when She gained Her own consciousness she was pushed back into the dark recesses of Her mind. The only way she could get out (according to the laws of mind-host sharing in the world of magic) was if she got Her permission. But she had been unable to contact her host. Now she was locked inside the girl's mind, pushed aside into the very back recesses. Sighing, she resumed her pacing, waiting for her opportunity to be free.


Oooh, well this one makes for a rather powerful prologue here. Despite being on the smaller side of things, this piece here still manages to pack quite the punch here and that's always quite nice to see in a prologue. You've built up a pretty intriguing situation here with what looks to be someone who's perhaps not fully human or maybe even something more than human, this is fairly vague on that point, is stuck inside of someone's mind and unable to escape somehow.

The way you describe things as a dark prison and just sort of bring across the imagery of just it being a bit of a horrible experience makes for a pretty powerful looking image right here. It definitely manages to catch your attention very well as a reader, and the little bits of explanation that you've sprinkled throughout this to show us a little more about what's going on helps out quite a bit. You've managed to strike a good balance between the information we must know in order to understand what's happening and giving too much detail that we don't really need.

On the whole this makes for a pretty solid prologue, its certainly interesting enough that I want to read more :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Jan 05, 2011 8:28 pm
Torigirl15 says...



i agree with the other two comments in that it was a little confusing, but it drew me in like it was supposed to! Good work!




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Tue Dec 14, 2010 6:06 pm
Ranger Hawk wrote a review...



Hey Rose, Hawk here to review!

As Tabby said, this is really short. Generally, you want to post a longer piece (not too long, though!) to hook the reader into the story. Right now this is not really something I'd want to read more about, simply because I haven't formed any sort of connection or interest with it. You seem to be doing a lot of telling instead of showing (something a lot of people, including yours truly, struggle with); here's a great link that discusses the difference between the two, how to find it in your own work, and how to fix it accordingly.

I'd suggest just rewriting this with much more detail about the character and the setting.

Please PM me if you have any questions or whatnot. Cheers! (:




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Tue Dec 14, 2010 12:23 am
TabbyGirl says...



Although this is short, it does sound really interesting! Um... I don't quite get what's going on, but I don't think I'm supposed to, so good work... it could probably use a bit more description, however.

--
TabbyGirl





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