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Chiharu~Prologue

by wonderland


This is my latest latest project. I thought of it, but not really, so it's gonna be a mess until I get a plot.

Prologue

I really hate running. It makes you sweaty, and sticky, and gross. You, as my subconscious, should know that. You should also know that I hate them. I hate them with a passion.

I’m sprinting through the open field, trying to avoid all searchlights. I knew they were looking for me, and I couldn’t get the feeling of her smile out of her head.

“Come on, Kaede!” I could hear the voice of Nate edging me on. He hid near the dorm buildings, in the bushes. If I squinted, I could see him hunkered down, his hair being blown about by the thin wind.

You should know how much I have crush on Nate, but of course that’s not allowed. They don’t want romance. It’ll taint us, and make deflect the 'normal values'.

It is past curfew, almost eleven o’clock. All the good little drones are sleeping, and, actually, I envy them. It is Nate who wanted to meet me at this ridiculous hour. It was me being foolish that brought me here.

“Hey, Kae.” Nate said. His bright green eyes searched mine and my heart began to race. I feel like a teenage girl I read about in my contraband romance novels. I am a walking contraband cliché.

“I am leaving.” Nate said breathlessly. I feel my eyes widen, my heart start to beat faster then it usually did when I was this close to Nate.

“Why?” It is the only thing I could think of to say.

“Have you noticed that we are all clone copies? We talk the same, walk the same, do the same things.” Nate says, “I am not a clone.” I fight tears from my eyes. Nate is my closest friend here.

“Can I-” I begin to ask.

“No.” Nate says, “you’re like my sister, Kaede, I can’t let you get in danger.” Before I can protest, Nate is gone. He is gone into the darkness, away from the town of Chiharu, where I am held, alone.


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Mon Sep 27, 2021 9:58 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I really hate running. It makes you sweaty, and sticky, and gross. You, as my subconscious, should know that. You should also know that I hate them. I hate them with a passion.

I’m sprinting through the open field, trying to avoid all searchlights. I knew they were looking for me, and I couldn’t get the feeling of her smile out of her head.

“Come on, Kaede!” I could hear the voice of Nate edging me on. He hid near the dorm buildings, in the bushes. If I squinted, I could see him hunkered down, his hair being blown about by the thin wind.

You should know how much I have crush on Nate, but of course that’s not allowed. They don’t want romance. It’ll taint us, and make deflect the 'normal values'.


Hmm, so this is someone speaking to their subconsciousness....or are you trying to just indicate that we're hearing this person's thoughts here. It is a tiny bit tougher to say exactly where you're trying to go with that detail, but other than that, I'm loving this opening prologue here. It hints at enough things to get you interested in what might be happening, while it also introduces us to the character. Overall a very strong start here.

It is past curfew, almost eleven o’clock. All the good little drones are sleeping, and, actually, I envy them. It is Nate who wanted to meet me at this ridiculous hour. It was me being foolish that brought me here.

“Hey, Kae.” Nate said. His bright green eyes searched mine and my heart began to race. I feel like a teenage girl I read about in my contraband romance novels. I am a walking contraband cliché.

“I am leaving.” Nate said breathlessly. I feel my eyes widen, my heart start to beat faster then it usually did when I was this close to Nate.


Ahh, I'm loving this humor that manages to interlace with indicators about what sort of setting this is which doubles as well..humor, which is always a nice addition and also lets us know quite subtly the sort of environment these people are living in. So far I'm really loving this bit of dialogue here too, you can tell this person has quite the crush here which is a detail that I'm sure will help explain some of the actions she takes, and also you can sense that something potentially big is about to happen and that's great for a prologue.

“Why?” It is the only thing I could think of to say.

“Have you noticed that we are all clone copies? We talk the same, walk the same, do the same things.” Nate says, “I am not a clone.” I fight tears from my eyes. Nate is my closest friend here.

“Can I-” I begin to ask.

“No.” Nate says, “you’re like my sister, Kaede, I can’t let you get in danger.” Before I can protest, Nate is gone. He is gone into the darkness, away from the town of Chiharu, where I am held, alone.


Well, clones are supposed to be identical, so I don't think you can quite use that word for similar behavior...that's not really going to work out...but it is a really interesting concept to introduce, and makes for an interesting justification for running away. This moment also really works out well in the context of a prologue...and I think overall this is a very successful prologue in that it does manage to get me to really want to read more here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri Dec 10, 2010 10:00 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx wrote a review...



This is so short! I wish you would've written more :)
The only thing that bothered me was how you seemed to switch in and out of tenses. You go from present tense to past and back again.
If you write more, and are short on reviews, send me a PM :)
Have a nice day!
~blacksheep




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Fri Dec 10, 2010 10:07 am
sarahk1771 wrote a review...



You did really well in this,
I like the idea and you should continue.
You do need to set a plot it would make it easier to write :)
Don't be afraid to go mad, it makes writing a funnier experience. :) Really good though.




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Thu Dec 09, 2010 5:37 am
Lsmatthews wrote a review...



I like this style of writing. Some people write first person pieces and put way to much descriptive detail into their sentences. I think you introduced well to your protagonist. Its hard to critique a first person piece as all the little glitches can be intentional, and build the character. Well done, i really liked it. Please let me know when you are going to add to this story





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