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My first attempt . Untitled novel to come.

by Lsmatthews


Ok guys here,s what i have so far. Please critique my style and grammar. All comments are welcome.

Tonight the darkness would come with unusual haste. The days had been growing shorter and each night felt colder than the last. A lone watchman stood on the small balcony of his tower, taking in his surroundings as he tried to prepare himself for what he knew would soon take place. His post for the evening was no different to that of any other night, besides being positioned on the northern walls rather than his usual western post. As he stood there with his eyes fixed upon the horizon to the north, he could see it moving. Like a black flood the shadow rushed over the parched earth , sweeping the last fragments of sunlight from the dunes and gray skeletal trees that littered the landscape. A sharp fear came over him. Never had he seen it move with such speed. He quickly turned and dashed inside, violently shutting the heavy wooden door behind him. Frantically he grasped at one of the cold copper handles that were fixed to the wall and forced it downward. As it locked into place, the dim lights of the cramped room began to flicker, and a low groaning hum began to resonate from beneath the floor as a large generator buzzed and crackled with energy. It was now close enough to be heard, even over the whine of the generator as it spooled into life, shaking the room within which he had taken refuge. Shrill cries filled the air as night began to bear down upon the weathered walls. He stood fast before a large console at the rear of the room, his finger trembling as it hovered over a small black button for what seemed like an age.

“Please” he begged. His voice heavy and desperate, his eyes wide and tense. Finally, as though responding to his plea, a small, bright, red light at the base of the console began to flash, allowing his finger to finally fall upon the black button. As he pushed down, the world around him turned almost silent. A warm white light began to punch its way through the cracks in the walls and the space under the door and a powerful ringing filled his ears. For a brief moment a fragile hint of relief peaked through the daunted expression carved upon his face as he buried his head in his hands, shielding his eyes from the welcomed intensity of the light.


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Mon Sep 27, 2021 10:53 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Tonight the darkness would come with unusual haste. The days had been growing shorter and each night felt colder than the last. A lone watchman stood on the small balcony of his tower, taking in his surroundings as he tried to prepare himself for what he knew would soon take place. His post for the evening was no different to that of any other night, besides being positioned on the northern walls rather than his usual western post. As he stood there with his eyes fixed upon the horizon to the north, he could see it moving. Like a black flood the shadow rushed over the parched earth , sweeping the last fragments of sunlight from the dunes and gray skeletal trees that littered the landscape. A sharp fear came over him. Never had he seen it move with such speed. He quickly turned and dashed inside, violently shutting the heavy wooden door behind him. Frantically he grasped at one of the cold copper handles that were fixed to the wall and forced it downward. As it locked into place, the dim lights of the cramped room began to flicker, and a low groaning hum began to resonate from beneath the floor as a large generator buzzed and crackled with energy. It was now close enough to be heard, even over the whine of the generator as it spooled into life, shaking the room within which he had taken refuge. Shrill cries filled the air as night began to bear down upon the weathered walls. He stood fast before a large console at the rear of the room, his finger trembling as it hovered over a small black button for what seemed like an age.


Well, this makes for a rather spooky and certainly very exciting start right here. You've got quite the description here and that you open with most a neutral sounding description of what appears to be a normal afternoon, simply with a sense of slight unease before you then crank everything up to eleven and just go all out there towards the end makes for a really awesome paragraph. The only complaint I have and this is slightly nitpicky, is that you've got to break this into two paragraphs perhaps cause this one is rather large a bit hard to read through.

“Please” he begged. His voice heavy and desperate, his eyes wide and tense. Finally, as though responding to his plea, a small, bright, red light at the base of the console began to flash, allowing his finger to finally fall upon the black button. As he pushed down, the world around him turned almost silent. A warm white light began to punch its way through the cracks in the walls and the space under the door and a powerful ringing filled his ears. For a brief moment a fragile hint of relief peaked through the daunted expression carved upon his face as he buried his head in his hands, shielding his eyes from the welcomed intensity of the light.


A powerful ending that we have here. You really manage to take a long pause and let us fully experience what this person goes through in their final moments here...and well, it looks like the mysterious ends up getting activated and that ending seems to mean something along the lines of this whole place being torn apart by some form of energy which leaves this person here dead by the looks of it although it is a bit tougher to say precisely. Overall, this makes for a lovely start to a story. Its certainly interesting enough for me to want to read more of it here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Thu Dec 09, 2010 10:28 pm
Christina44 says...



Very good writing.
I loved it.




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Wed Dec 08, 2010 9:27 am
Lsmatthews says...



Ill definately let you guys know when i am going to post some more. Well into the first chapter now so when ive finished ill likely post it.




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Wed Dec 08, 2010 7:45 am
NewDivides wrote a review...



If this was your first attempt, then I would like to read even more of your works! Great job, I love how deep and descriptive everything was. If you can, it would be great if you could PM me when you have done your next piece. I can't wait! :D




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Wed Dec 08, 2010 2:50 am
Lsmatthews says...



Thank you :). I'll apply it from now on.




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Wed Dec 08, 2010 2:07 am
borntobeawriter says...



Split it up where it makes sense, Matt. You could google for more information, but usually, it's where one thought finishes and another begins.

Tonight the darkness would come with unusual haste. The days had been growing shorter and each night felt colder than the last. A lone watchman stood on the small balcony of his tower, taking in his surroundings as he tried to prepare himself for what he knew would soon take place. His post for the evening was no different to that of any other night, besides being positioned on the northern walls rather than his usual western post.

As he stood there with his eyes fixed upon the horizon to the north, he could see it moving. Like a black flood the shadow rushed over the parched earth , sweeping the last fragments of sunlight from the dunes and gray skeletal trees that littered the landscape. A sharp fear came over him. Never had he seen it move with such speed. He quickly turned and dashed inside, violently shutting the heavy wooden door behind him. Frantically he grasped at one of the cold copper handles that were fixed to the wall and forced it downward. As it locked into place, the dim lights of the cramped room began to flicker, and a low groaning hum began to resonate from beneath the floor as a large generator buzzed and crackled with energy. It was now close enough to be heard, even over the whine of the generator as it spooled into life, shaking the room within which he had taken refuge. Shrill cries filled the air as night began to bear down upon the weathered walls. He stood fast before a large console at the rear of the room, his finger trembling as it hovered over a small black button for what seemed like an age.

“Please” he begged. His voice heavy and desperate, his eyes wide and tense.

Finally, as though responding to his plea, a small, bright, red light at the base of the console began to flash, allowing his finger to finally fall upon the black button. As he pushed down, the world around him turned almost silent. A warm white light began to punch its way through the cracks in the walls and the space under the door and a powerful ringing filled his ears. For a brief moment a fragile hint of relief peaked through the daunted expression carved upon his face as he buried his head in his hands, shielding his eyes from the welcomed intensity of the light.


This may not be the perfect paragraphs, but I figured it would give you an idea :D

Tanya




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Wed Dec 08, 2010 1:34 am
Lsmatthews says...



Thank you guys. I really appreciate your comments. It's my first attempt at writing ever, well not including school. I agree it needs to be split up, but i have no idea where i should split it, seeing as this is my first attempt. I have a lot to learn about structure.




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Tue Dec 07, 2010 8:49 pm
UCntCMee says...



Wow! That was awesome. No nitpicks from me, either. Keep writing!




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Tue Dec 07, 2010 5:13 pm
borntobeawriter wrote a review...



Wow, Matt. (shorter ;))

I have absolutely no nitpicks, which is saying a lot for this piece.

I have to agree with what Kelsey said; it'd be easier on the eyes if you could split it up in paragraphs.

This was an amazing piece, easy to read, with just enough descriptions to suck us into the scene, but not enough to bog us down.

Nicely done, I really do hope you write more. When and if you do, would you PM me? I'd love to read more of this!

Tanya




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Tue Dec 07, 2010 4:50 pm
KelseySutton wrote a review...



This is some solid writing. While I think it would go easier on the eyes if the paragraphs were split up, you have good description and an intriguing start. Perhaps you intend to clear this up with the next part of the story, but who is your main character? If it's not the man you've introduced in this scene, I would suggest making this a prologue.

“Please” he begged.


Should read:

"Pleased#FF0000 ">," he begged.


That's all I had for nitpicks. I am in a bit of a hurry, so I'm not being as thorough as I would like, but, again, solid writing. Keep going with this.




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Tue Dec 07, 2010 3:46 pm
DragonLADY wrote a review...



This is your FIRST attempt? At writing in general, or at this type of writing? Because this was fantastic. I love the way you chose not to give us the luxury of knowing the character's name. Now tell me, is he going to be the main character through out the whole novel? Because if he is, you may want to include his name somewhere, possibly in this, or in a later addition. If he's just some random guy, however, we really don't need to know, and it's always fun to keep your readers guessing.

Great start, and I beg you to finish it! So early on in the plot, you never know what's going to happen next, so I'm curious to see where you take this piece in the future. Definately PM me when you write more, I would love to review that too. Make it a good read!





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