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The Angels life

by MidNightBlue


The Angels Life

Chapter 1

The rain falls lightly every so slowly as Night jumped trying to hit every raindrop. Her red eyes darted up then down for the rain wont hit them. Pale skin and black hair the brushed her lower waist she looked the part...She was the part.

"Princess." Dagger mumbled raising from the ground.

Night turned her around raindrops falling on her she lifted her hand up and a long black pole with dark lace shimmering as if it was black light warped around it a long silver blade slashed down cracking the earth as it hit it.

"The hammer of life crash down on some one again? Did they not find the light it glorious light?" She traced the air as if some pattern was there that only should it self only to her as Dagger nodded. Night nodded to and black mist circled around her crawling up the invisible circle tell she was gone.

"Goodbye Angel of Death have a safe trip." Dagger whispered to himself as he was dragged back into Hell.

The black mist released me into the small town know as Ruined. My black skirt was about four or five inches above my knee but my black stockings covered my knee with black normal shoes. I wore the blue shirt which was just blue but this shirt was made out of all the pain and suffrage of the dead and had everything on it. I was looking for a guy named Richard who had unfinished business that he needed my help with. My staff was weightless thou it was much taller then me but i kept it by my side my knuckles turned extra pale as i gripped the pole.

"Hey Graig! Yo! Look at this!" A guy erupted in slurring words as he banged his foot towards me tripped a lot over nothing but little raises in the sidewalk. I turned to face him his mess hair and to tall and fat drunken mess as his friend Graig was tall medium and a drunken mess.

"Is this...Oww!" The guy roared as he touched my staff's blade immediately slashing his finger almost in half.

"In moral humans feeding of pity and hopelessness fearing nothing but everything. You have someone at home who cares for you who will give everything and has giving everything but you dont care you take there hearts and do nothing just keep it for it to collect dust not caring what happens to it. Does that sum you up Graig?" I didn't miss a beat. His eyes went wide he was surprise and shocked that quietly turned into anger a fire that needed something to burn he looked to me as if i was wood.

"You!" He stumbled greedy hands opened but i swung my staff the pole hitting him in the gut as the second guy came in getting hit in the head. Graig got up and went after me again I waited and just side stepped him. He stumbled like a young child learning to walk and fell to the ground with a thud.

"Hey whats going on here!" a guy ran as if I needed help. The guys ran for it growling and howling as animals as they were lost in the dark sky.

"Are you OK?" He grabbed on to my shoulders and I got a better look at him. His black hair blended with my his to similar hazel eyes pain rushed up me...James. I cried out I tried to stop but it came faster this town this guy...My life.

"James?" I rushed. Before I became the Angel of Death before I was staked. Before everything James was my everything back then. He was killed and soon after I was killed. My anger rose creating the Angel of Death his was buried and he walked in the light...Forgetting me.

"Do I know you?" He asked puzzled his hand brushed black hair out of my emotional face I nodded again control yourself!

He smiled oh that smile the same the bright light that comes from this guy he isn't my James but he's in the family tree of my James.

I shock him of just noticing I dropped my staff. It was my time to run in the endless night howling in pain and anger of how life mistreated me how humans mistreated me. I ran faster then any human to him I disappeared to me I walk slowly looking at him remembering everything the pain the love the first kiss.

When I hit the woods I kept running tell I hit the end of the woods the cliff. The water smashed into the wall waiting for a confused lost soul to jump into it embrace the water try to control it. I feel in the grass and laughed I can not believe i should emotion towards a human! A human!

"Whats wrong" I jumped at the voice but Fate just stared at me his brown hair cover half of his left brown eye. His nice smile made me smile he was my best friend. I looked at him and frowned.

"James I found his recantation or whatever this guy is he looks exactly like James!" I hated how it sounded like i was whining like a was broken down. Thou Fate smiled walked closer to me and leaned back on my hands but he hugged me it didn't burn like I keep waiting for it to happen but all Fate's hug bring is love and caring I never hug back and he doesn't mind. Fate jumped back head cocked to thee side.

"Hear that?" he whispered and i climbed up on my legs and listened and yep a fate sound calling for some girl.

"He calling for me." He questioning face I mouthed James he nodded. I grabbed my staff and started walking towards James. The hunting past found me.

"James!" I sew him as I ran towards him he ran towards me.

"There you are are you OK no your not are you on something?" James yelled his personality isn't like James. He pushy my James waiting for the answer he waiting smiling thats why I loved him.

I looked for Fate he waiting in the dark waiting for me to signal for help smiling....


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Sat Jan 22, 2022 5:23 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Soo..this seems like it has the potential to be a pretty solid story, but you've gotta do a few things first, or the tone that this premise is going for doesn't quite come across as well as it should.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The rain falls lightly every so slowly as Night jumped trying to hit every raindrop. Her red eyes darted up then down for the rain wont hit them. Pale skin and black hair the brushed her lower waist she looked the part...She was the part.

"Princess." Dagger mumbled raising from the ground.

Night turned her around raindrops falling on her she lifted her hand up and a long black pole with dark lace shimmering as if it was black light warped around it a long silver blade slashed down cracking the earth as it hit it.

"The hammer of life crash down on some one again? Did they not find the light it glorious light?" She traced the air as if some pattern was there that only should it self only to her as Dagger nodded. Night nodded to and black mist circled around her crawling up the invisible circle tell she was gone.

"Goodbye Angel of Death have a safe trip." Dagger whispered to himself as he was dragged back into Hell.


Well that was slightly confusing there to end on, but well, this is a pretty intriguing start there. You don't fully bring across exactly what it is you want to convey there, but the mentions of death and angels coupled with that pretty vivid description does capture the attention of a reader pretty well.

The black mist released me into the small town know as Ruined. My black skirt was about four or five inches above my knee but my black stockings covered my knee with black normal shoes. I wore the blue shirt which was just blue but this shirt was made out of all the pain and suffrage of the dead and had everything on it. I was looking for a guy named Richard who had unfinished business that he needed my help with. My staff was weightless thou it was much taller then me but i kept it by my side my knuckles turned extra pale as i gripped the pole.

"Hey Graig! Yo! Look at this!" A guy erupted in slurring words as he banged his foot towards me tripped a lot over nothing but little raises in the sidewalk. I turned to face him his mess hair and to tall and fat drunken mess as his friend Graig was tall medium and a drunken mess.

"Is this...Oww!" The guy roared as he touched my staff's blade immediately slashing his finger almost in half.


Okayy...that was kind of a rough transition, alright, well. Besides the odd transition though, this is a lovely little scene here, we get a very casual description of just how powerful this person happens to be which coupled with the mention of these two random human who are clearly very drunk and very out of it does suggest things are about to get interesting here.

"In moral humans feeding of pity and hopelessness fearing nothing but everything. You have someone at home who cares for you who will give everything and has giving everything but you dont care you take there hearts and do nothing just keep it for it to collect dust not caring what happens to it. Does that sum you up Graig?" I didn't miss a beat. His eyes went wide he was surprise and shocked that quietly turned into anger a fire that needed something to burn he looked to me as if i was wood.

"You!" He stumbled greedy hands opened but i swung my staff the pole hitting him in the gut as the second guy came in getting hit in the head. Graig got up and went after me again I waited and just side stepped him. He stumbled like a young child learning to walk and fell to the ground with a thud.

"Hey whats going on here!" a guy ran as if I needed help. The guys ran for it growling and howling as animals as they were lost in the dark sky.

"Are you OK?" He grabbed on to my shoulders and I got a better look at him. His black hair blended with my his to similar hazel eyes pain rushed up me...James. I cried out I tried to stop but it came faster this town this guy...My life.


Okayy...we have a fight which doesn't quite fit the narrative of a supernatural angelic being interacting with regular and not so well put together humans. This is quite the piece and I am genuinely having trouble fully wrapping my head around this one as to where its trying to go..hmm, I can sort of see the premise here, but it isn't nearly as clear as it should be.

"James?" I rushed. Before I became the Angel of Death before I was staked. Before everything James was my everything back then. He was killed and soon after I was killed. My anger rose creating the Angel of Death his was buried and he walked in the light...Forgetting me.

"Do I know you?" He asked puzzled his hand brushed black hair out of my emotional face I nodded again control yourself!

He smiled oh that smile the same the bright light that comes from this guy he isn't my James but he's in the family tree of my James.

I shock him of just noticing I dropped my staff. It was my time to run in the endless night howling in pain and anger of how life mistreated me how humans mistreated me. I ran faster then any human to him I disappeared to me I walk slowly looking at him remembering everything the pain the love the first kiss.

When I hit the woods I kept running tell I hit the end of the woods the cliff. The water smashed into the wall waiting for a confused lost soul to jump into it embrace the water try to control it. I feel in the grass and laughed I can not believe i should emotion towards a human! A human!


Okayy.....this is just not going down particularly well here. We can there's some backstory here, and that's a strong moment, but the reaction here feels rather fake and almost cartoonish, which doesn't really help this reveal to be all that strong, and so we end up with a bit of a questionable narrative at the moment.

"Whats wrong" I jumped at the voice but Fate just stared at me his brown hair cover half of his left brown eye. His nice smile made me smile he was my best friend. I looked at him and frowned.

"James I found his recantation or whatever this guy is he looks exactly like James!" I hated how it sounded like i was whining like a was broken down. Thou Fate smiled walked closer to me and leaned back on my hands but he hugged me it didn't burn like I keep waiting for it to happen but all Fate's hug bring is love and caring I never hug back and he doesn't mind. Fate jumped back head cocked to thee side.

"Hear that?" he whispered and i climbed up on my legs and listened and yep a fate sound calling for some girl.

"He calling for me." He questioning face I mouthed James he nodded. I grabbed my staff and started walking towards James. The hunting past found me.

"James!" I sew him as I ran towards him he ran towards me.

"There you are are you OK no your not are you on something?" James yelled his personality isn't like James. He pushy my James waiting for the answer he waiting smiling thats why I loved him.

I looked for Fate he waiting in the dark waiting for me to signal for help smiling....


Okayy...so yeah, that ended sort of how I was expecting, nothing too surprising there and its a decent direction to be taking this particular story in, but I do have to say though, you kind of need to look into perhaps brushing up on a few things here, mostly in seeing how you want to present this angelic figure, right now they act like a child rather than anything else and it doesn't fit to well with the entrance we got. The premise has potential though.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is a pretty cool idea, and the work itself isn't bad there. You do a fairly decent job, especially with that opening and then the ending, but there are a few places that need a bit of brushing up here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri Dec 03, 2010 11:54 pm
TheTruthLiesWithin wrote a review...



Hello there :) I'm Truth!
First impression, this looks long. Second, you didn't write anything in your spoiler! Haha, let's move on.

I'll start with the nitpicks, as I always do :)

The rain #FF0000 ">fell lightly#FF0000 ">, ever so slowly#FF0000 ">, comma as Night jumped trying to hit every raindrop. Her red eyes darted up#FF0000 ">, comma then down for the rain wont hit them. Pale skin and black hair #FF0000 ">that brushed her lower waist#FF0000 ">, comma she looked the part...She was the part.

"Princess#FF0000 ">, comma" Dagger mumbled#FF0000 ">, comma raising from the ground.

Night turned her Turned her What around? around#FF0000 ">, comma raindrops falling on her#FF0000 ">. She lifted her hand up and a long black pole with dark lace#FF0000 ">, comma shimmering as if #FF0000 ">there was black light#FF0000 ">s warped around it #FF0000 ">and a long silver blade#FF0000 ">, comma #FF0000 ">slashing down #FF0000 ">and cracking the earth as it hit it.

"The hammer of life crash#FF0000 ">es down on #FF0000 ">someone again? Did they not find the light it glorious light?" What? She traced the air#FF0000 ">, comma as if some pattern was there that only #FF0000 ">showed itself only to her#FF0000 ">, comma as Dagger nodded. Night nodded to#FF0000 ">, comma and black mist circled around her#FF0000 ">, comma crawling up the invisible circle #FF0000 ">until she was gone.

"Goodbye Angel of Death#FF0000 ">, comma have a safe trip#FF0000 ">, comma" Dagger whispered to himself#FF0000 ">, comma as he was dragged back into Hell.

The black mist released me into the small town #FF0000 ">known as Ruined. My black skirt was about four or five inches above my #FF0000 ">knees, comma but my black stockings covered #FF0000 ">them, comma #FF0000 ">my knee with black normal shoes. I wore the blue shirt which was #FF0000 ">just blue but this shirt #FF0000 ">uniform, but itwas made out of all the pain and suffrage of the dead#FF0000 ">, comma and had everything on it What is everything?.

I was looking for a guy named Richard#FF0000 ">, comma who had unfinished business that he needed my help with. My staff was weightless#FF0000 ">, comma though it was much taller then me but #FF0000 ">I kept it by my side#FF0000 ">. My knuckles turned extra pale as #FF0000 ">I gripped the pole.

"Hey Graig! Yo! Look at this!" A guy erupted towards me in slurring words#FF0000 ">, comma and tripped a lot over nothing but little raises in the sidewalk as he banged his foot #FF0000 ">towards me#FF0000 ">tripped a lot over nothing but little raises in the sidewalk. I turned to face him#FF0000 ">, comma his #FF0000 ">messy hair and #FF0000 ">a to tall and fat#FF0000 ">, comma drunken #FF0000 ">mess and his friend#FF0000 ">, comma Graig was tall#FF0000 ">, comma medium#FF0000 ">, comma and a drunken mess.

"Is this...Oww!" The guy roared#FF0000 ">, comma as he touched my staff's blade#FF0000 ">. It immediately #FF0000 ">slashed his finger almost in half.

"In moral humans feeding of pity and hopelessness#FF0000 ">, comma fearing nothing but everything. You have someone at home who cares for you#FF0000 ">, comma who will give everything#FF0000 ">, comma and has #FF0000 ">given everything #FF0000 ">to you, comma but you dont care#FF0000 ">, comma you take #FF0000 ">their hearts and do nothing#FF0000 ">, comma just #FF0000 ">kept it for it to collect dust#FF0000 ">, comma not caring what happens to it. Does that sum you up#FF0000 ">, comma Graig?" I didn't miss a beat.

His eyes went wide#FF0000 ">, comma he was #FF0000 ">surprised and#FF0000 "> his shock, comma that quietly turned into anger#FF0000 ">, a fire that needed something to burn#FF0000 ">. He looked #FF0000 ">at me as if #FF0000 ">I was wood.

"You!" He stumbled#FF0000 ">, comma greedy hands #FF0000 ">opening but #FF0000 ">I swung my staff#FF0000 ">, comma the pole hitting him in the gut as the second guy came in#FF0000 ">, comma getting hit in the head. Graig got up#FF0000 ">, comma and went after me again#FF0000 ">. I waited and just side stepped him #FF0000 ">at the last moment. He stumbled like a young child#FF0000 ">, comma learning to walk and fell to the ground with a thud.

"Hey whats going on here#FF0000 ">?" #FF0000 ">A guy ran #FF0000 ">in to as if I needed help.

The guys ran for it#FF0000 ">, comma growling and howling as animals as #FF0000 ">until they were lost in the dark sky.

"Are you OK?" He grabbed on to my shoulders and I got a better look at him. His black hair blended with #FF0000 ">mine. I looked in his #FF0000 ">too similar#FF0000 ">, comma hazel eyes #FF0000 ">and pain rushed #FF0000 ">through me...James. I cried out #FF0000 ">and tried to stop #FF0000 ">it, comma but it came faster#FF0000 ">. This town#FF0000 ">, comma this guy...My life.

"James?" I rushed.

Before I became the Angel of Death#FF0000 ">, comma before I was staked. Before everything#FF0000 ">, comma James #FF0000 ">had been my everything#FF0000 ">, comma back then. He was killed and #FF0000 ">I fallowed suite soon after I was killed. My anger rose#FF0000 ">, comma creating the Angel of Death#FF0000 ">. His was buried and he walked in the light...Forgetting me.

"Do I know you?" He asked puzzled#FF0000 ">. His hand brushed black hair out of my emotional face#FF0000 ">, comma I nodded again#FF0000 ">. Control yourself!
He smiled#FF0000 ">. Oh that smile#FF0000 ">, comma the same#FF0000 ">, the bright light that comes from this guy#FF0000 ">. He isn't my James but he's in the family tree of my James.

I #FF0000 ">shooked him #FF0000 ">off, comma just noticing I dropped my staff. It was my time to run in the endless night#FF0000 ">, comma howling in pain and anger of how life mistreated me#FF0000 ">, comma how humans mistreated me. I ran faster then any human to him#FF0000 ">, comma I disappeared to me#FF0000 ">. I #FF0000 ">walked slowly#FF0000 ">, comma looking at him #FF0000 ">and remembering everything#FF0000 ">, comma the pain#FF0000 ">, comma the love the first kiss. She ran but now she's walking?

When I #FF0000 ">had hit the woods#FF0000 ">, comma I kept running #FF0000 ">until I #FF0000 ">had hit the end of the woods #FF0000 ">to the cliff. The water smashed into the #FF0000 ">rocky wall#FF0000 ">, comma waiting for a confused lost soul to jump into #FF0000 ">its soft embrace the water try to control it. I #FF0000 ">fell in the grass and laughed#FF0000 ">. I #FF0000 ">could not believe #FF0000 ">I showed emotion towards a human! A human!

"Whats wrong#FF0000 ">?"

I jumped at the voice#FF0000 ">, comma but Fate just stared at me#FF0000 ">, comma his brown hair #FF0000 ">covering half of his left brown eye. His nice smile made me smile#FF0000 ">, comma he was my best friend. I looked at him and frowned.

"James#FF0000 ">, comma I found his recantation#FF0000 ">, comma or whatever this guy is#FF0000 ">, comma he looks exactly like James!" I hated how it sounded like #FF0000 ">I was whining#FF0000 ">, comma like a was broken down.

#FF0000 ">But Fate smiled#FF0000 "> and walked closer to me#FF0000 ">. I leaned back on my hands#FF0000 ">, comma and he hugged me#FF0000 ">. It didn't burn like I #FF0000 ">kept waiting for it to happen but all #FF0000 ">that Fate's hug #FF0000 ">brought was love and caring#FF0000 ">. I never #FF0000 ">hugged back and he #FF0000 ">didn't mind. Fate jumped back#FF0000 ">, comma head cocked to #FF0000 ">the side.

"Hear that?" #FF0000 ">He whispered and #FF0000 ">I climbed #FF0000 ">got up on my legs and listened#FF0000 "> closely . and #FF0000 ">Yes, I heard a #FF0000 ">faint sound#FF0000 ">, comma calling for some girl. How does she know it's a girl?

"#FF0000 ">He's calling for me."

#FF0000 ">With a questioning face#FF0000 ">, I mouthed #FF0000 ">"James" and he nodded. I grabbed my staff and started walking toward #FF0000 ">the voice. The #FF0000 ">haunting past #FF0000 ">had found me.

"James!" I #FF0000 ">saw him as I ran towards him #FF0000 ">and he ran towards me.

"There you are#FF0000 ">. Are you OK#FF0000 ">? No your not#FF0000 ">, comma are you on something?" James yelled his personality isn't like James. What? He #FF0000 ">pushed my James#FF0000 ">, comma waiting for the answer#FF0000 ">. He waiting#FF0000 ">, comma smiling#FF0000 ">. Thats why I loved him.

I looked for Fate#FF0000 ">, comma he #FF0000 ">was waiting in the dark#FF0000 ">, comma waiting for me to signal for help#FF0000 ">, comma smiling....


Alright, this was okay but the mistakes made it pretty hard for me to concentrate on the actual story line. Please make sure you review, or have someone review your work before posting, please, it will make our reviewers job easier :) If you correct the whole thing and want me to review the story or don't understand some of the corrections I've made, feel free to PM me, I'll be happy to help! Keep on writing!

-Truth-





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