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Golden Wings- Matteo *short*

by TheTruthLiesWithin


Spoiler! :
AN: This is a short chapter on Matteo, kind of introducing his character. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to add another POV in the novel but.. you tell me.

I buried my hands deep in my pockets; it was getting pretty cold but with all the nice, warm colors hanging from the trees, my brain was telling me otherwise. Sure, it was colder than Detroit but I would have traded the gray city landscapes for this anytime.

I picked up a golden leaf from the ground, spinning it between my numb fingers and let it fall, watching it spiral down to land on the dark river water. The water smelt of chemicals and dead fish but there was something about the constant calm flow that made me want to plunge right in. It looked so cleansing.

My stomach grumbled and my thoughts snapped back to my new home, where my loving family was waiting for me. After the long ride from the city’s airport, we’d pulled up to this magnificent white house. In the neighborhood, there were schools, old couples sitting on their porches with hot drinks, teenagers walking and talking animatedly and kids, playing basketball in their driveway. There were colors and I knew right then I’d like it here. Inside was just as beautiful. Grand staircase, modern yet homey kitchen, perfect for my parents who loved cooking together, complete backyard oasis, you name it.

I had raced Ralf for the best bedroom, making sure to stay just at his heals; I didn’t need a huge room with a en-suite complete with a Jacuzzi, I wasn’t planning on wasting my time indoors anyways.

My parents had called up, the moving truck would only arrive tomorrow and we needed to get out to get supper. I quickly bowed out of it, saying I wanted to stretch my legs and see the neighborhood before dark.

Now, I turned my back from the sinking sun, filling my lungs with fresh air. It was quickly getting dark, as I climbed the slope back to the road.


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Tue Sep 28, 2021 10:55 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I buried my hands deep in my pockets; it was getting pretty cold but with all the nice, warm colors hanging from the trees, my brain was telling me otherwise. Sure, it was colder than Detroit but I would have traded the gray city landscapes for this anytime.

I picked up a golden leaf from the ground, spinning it between my numb fingers and let it fall, watching it spiral down to land on the dark river water. The water smelt of chemicals and dead fish but there was something about the constant calm flow that made me want to plunge right in. It looked so cleansing.


We have ourselves a very neutral looking setting right here, with this character coming into play at a very peaceful pace, its very much like just that first slow establishing shot in a movie, and I think that makes this a pretty solid way to start things off here. If I'm understanding correctly, this is mainly meant to be the introduction of a new character so, I'd say, a decent way to open something like that here.

My stomach grumbled and my thoughts snapped back to my new home, where my loving family was waiting for me. After the long ride from the city’s airport, we’d pulled up to this magnificent white house. In the neighborhood, there were schools, old couples sitting on their porches with hot drinks, teenagers walking and talking animatedly and kids, playing basketball in their driveway. There were colors and I knew right then I’d like it here. Inside was just as beautiful. Grand staircase, modern yet homey kitchen, perfect for my parents who loved cooking together, complete backyard oasis, you name it.

I had raced Ralf for the best bedroom, making sure to stay just at his heals; I didn’t need a huge room with a en-suite complete with a Jacuzzi, I wasn’t planning on wasting my time indoors anyways.


Alright, so it looks like this is meant to be a sort of a family moving into a new house scenario and said new house appears to be a pretty grand one too judging by the descriptions that we've got going on here. The sentences there got a touch choppy, I think you may want to double some of those especially in the second paragraph, but this is doing a nice job of showing the position our protagonist is in along with their reaction to things and by extension also little hints about what they're personality is like.

My parents had called up, the moving truck would only arrive tomorrow and we needed to get out to get supper. I quickly bowed out of it, saying I wanted to stretch my legs and see the neighborhood before dark.

Now, I turned my back from the sinking sun, filling my lungs with fresh air. It was quickly getting dark, as I climbed the slope back to the road.


This makes for an interesting ending here...we've got what looks to be a potential source of some conflict there, with them disappearing up a dark road and...well...its an interesting point to end on here. I wonder where this is headed...at any rate I think as far as introducing a new character goes, this went well. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Jan 30, 2011 4:25 pm
Tenyo wrote a review...



I like this :) I don't know who Matteo is yet, but I like his perspective. Even though it's short this is an interesting piece, and it tells a lot about his character even without purposely writing out a character bio.

I'm not really sure what else to comment on. As for a Point of View, always include one. The Pov is one of the most important things in writing, and anything without a point of view, even one of a narrator, keeps the writer at a distance from the story, and so keeps the reader at a distance too. This point of view I like, very much :)




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Fri Nov 26, 2010 2:11 am
hockeyfan87 wrote a review...



TheTruthLiesWithin wrote:
Spoiler! :
AN: This is a short chapter on Matteo, kind of introducing his character. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to add a POV in this but.. you tell me.


I buried my hands deep in my pockets; it was getting pretty cold #FF0000 ">commabut with all the nice warm colors hanging from the trees, my brain was telling me otherwise. Sure, it was colder than Detroit #FF0000 ">commabut I would have traded the gray city landscapes for this anytime.

I picked up a golden leaf from the ground, spinning it between my numb fingers and let it fall, watching it spiral down to land on the dark river water. The water smelt of chemicals and dead fish#FF0000 ">comma but there was something about the constant calm flow that made me want to plunge right in. It looked so cleansing.

My stomach grumbled#FF0000 ">comma and my thoughts snapped back to my new home, where my loving family was waiting for me. After the long ride from the city’s airport, we’d pulled up to this magnificent #FF0000 ">commawhite house. In the neighborhood, there were schools, old couples sitting on their porches with hot drinks, teenagers walking and talking animatedly and kids, playing basketball in their driveway. There were colors and I knew right then I’d like it here. Inside was just as beautiful. Grand staircase, modern #FF0000 ">commayet homey kitchen, perfect for my parents who loved cooking together, complete backyard oasis, you name it.
I had raced Ralf for the best bedroom, making sure to stay just at his heals; I didn’t need a huge #FF0000 ">I'm sure you meant to have the word 'room' herewith a Jacuzzi, I wasn’t planning on wasting my time indoors anyways.

My parents had called up, the moving truck would only arrive tomorrow and we needed to get out to get supper. I quickly bowed out of it, saying I wanted to stretch my legs and see the neighborhood before dark.

Now, I turned my back from the sinking sun, filling my lungs with fresh air. It was quickly getting dark #FF0000 ">commaas I climbed the slope back to the road.

#0040FF ">Overall? I liked it. Not many mistakes, which was nice. PM me or write on my wall when you post the next chapters.
Jenn




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Fri Nov 26, 2010 2:02 am
purplepen says...



It was short, but very detailed, which makes up for it. I can't get over how well detailed it is! I didn't spot any errors, and it was very well written. Good job!




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Thu Nov 25, 2010 10:28 pm



It is short but your detail is nice. I would love to see more, all I really got was that your character just moved, I like the pov i think you should stick with it. Anyways I'd love to see more!
It's nice to see another Canadian on here =)
Steph





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