Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Fantasy


CATTAPILLAR. the uncut version

by Dynasty cow


Only one thing stood between me and the approaching cattapillar . my sword. I tried to slice the evil thing but it was two small I missed every time, i tried to run but I soon realized it was too fast , I went through my wepons, a knife , a blade , a poiseness gas grenade of course the grenade . I took it out of one of the compatments on my belt , I hurtled it at

the green worm . Soon purpel gas sprayed out of the hole in the top of the grenade , I felt it burn down my throwt and poisen my lungs , in my dying breath one thought passed through my mind 'I had done it , I had killed the beast'.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
3299 Reviews


Points: 350316
Reviews: 3299

Donate
Fri Aug 05, 2022 3:41 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Only one thing stood between me and the approaching cattapillar . my sword. I tried to slice the evil thing but it was two small I missed every time, i tried to run but I soon realized it was too fast , I went through my wepons, a knife , a blade , a poiseness gas grenade of course the grenade . I took it out of one of the compatments on my belt , I hurtled it at

the green worm . Soon purpel gas sprayed out of the hole in the top of the grenade , I felt it burn down my throwt and poisen my lungs , in my dying breath one thought passed through my mind 'I had done it , I had killed the beast'.


Uhh...okay, this is a little bit confusing on first impression here because I just genuinely find it quite hard to tell what this is trying to accomplish here. We've got what appears to be someone trying increasingly dangerous ways to take out a caterpillar. The amount of detail isn't enough here to tell if this is a regular random harmless one and this person just happens to dislike caterpillars or if this is some sort of actual monster. On top of that I love the humor there in the exceeding powers used to vanquish this thing but the ending takes it towards a more darker note with the death there and then suddenly the tone you're going for just sort of falls apart for me because it seems as if it is a bit too over the line to be properly humorous but also too geared towards being humorous to work as a serious piece.

Overall this one leaves me with a bit of a conundrum here because I genuinely can't tell what you want to accomplish here and whatever it is trying to accomplish its not doing a particularly good job of it at the moment.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 19

Donate
Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:12 am
Killer-Ewok says...



Just out of interest, why was a boy/man trying to kill a catapillar???
it seems kind of pointless, unless its a giant man-eating catapillar :lol:




User avatar
614 Reviews


Points: 1106
Reviews: 614

Donate
Wed Feb 15, 2006 6:46 pm
Swires says...



I must admit the story, well if thats what it is, is rather short. Usual short stories are int eh range of 500 to 2000 words. Try adding more description and lengthen the plot. Perhaps a few writing workshops?




User avatar
205 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 205

Donate
Fri Feb 10, 2006 6:51 pm
PsyLynx wrote a review...



it's too short to get me to care. I care about characters once I get to know them. It's just a moment of something larger, of an entire world....it's like saying, "there was a car and it exploded"...and saying that that's an entire story, but it isn't. Why is there a huge catterpillar? What is the spelling of catterpillar, now that I'm all messed up on it?

etcetera.




User avatar
118 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 118

Donate
Mon Feb 06, 2006 7:26 pm
*Twilight* says...



Yes, if you want your story to to really get a reader's attention try including more than just one paragraph.




User avatar
104 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 104

Donate
Sat Feb 04, 2006 8:32 pm
Joeducktape says...



You haven't really given us anything to read yet! Its only a couple paragraphs. In order to decide on whether or not we like the story, we need to know more about it. Try posting more next time.




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 44

Donate
Sat Feb 04, 2006 6:11 pm
Dynasty cow says...



can any one just read this and comment on the story and not on the mistakes , cause i havent masterd spell check yet




User avatar
104 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 104

Donate
Sat Feb 04, 2006 5:53 pm
Joeducktape wrote a review...



Okay, there sould be commas before the "buts" and more periods. Otherwise you have a junked up run-on sentence.

Ex: I tried to slice through the evil thing, but it was too small, and I missed every time. I tried to run, but I soon realized the Caterpillar was too fast. I went through my weapons: a knife, a blade, a poisonous gas grenade.... Of course! The grenade!

Notice in the above sentence I used "Caterpillar" instead of "it" again. While using pronouns is good, you shouldn't use them too much, since it looses the reader.

This makes it flow a lot better. Also, in the next sentence, there should be an "and" after that comma, instead of an "I". You also put hurtled, which usually is used when talking about the object in motion, but when talking about the person throwing it, use "hurled". This makes much more sense.

Ex: I took it out of one of the compartments on my belt, and hurled it at the green worm.

That last sentence should be several sentences! Once again Dynasty: run-on's loose the reader.

'I had done it, I had killed the beast.'

Okay, even if you're writing in the past tense, thoughts will not be in past tense.

'I have done. I've killed the beast.'

Hope that helps!




User avatar
118 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 118

Donate
Sat Feb 04, 2006 5:27 pm
*Twilight* wrote a review...



Only one thing stood between me and the approaching Caterpillar . My sword. I tried to slice the evil thing but it was two small I missed every time, I tried to run but I soon realized it was too fast , I went through my weapons, a knife , a blade , a poisionous gas grenade of course the grenade . I took it out of one of the compartments on my belt , I hurtled it at
the green worm . Soon purple gas sprayed out of the hole in the top of the grenade , I felt it burn down my throat and poision my lungs , in my dying breath one thought passed through my mind 'I had done it , I had killed the beast'.


I ran this through the spell checker and fixed a few things.
On the second sentence you forgot to capatalize the m in "My" and there were a few misspelled words.

but it was two small


The proper word to use in this sentence would be "too" as in: I could not beat him in the race because he was too fast. The word you used was two as in the number 2.

You seem to come up with many stories and this is a good thing that means you can think up many ideas. But, if you think hard enough you can apply every one of your ideas into one big story. That way you don't have to trash all of your old ones.





If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions.
— Cecil Gershwin Palmer