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Crystal Release (Prologue and Chapter 1, Crystal Blessing)

by CaptianRandom


Crystal Release

Hi everyone, I would first like to say I am a HUGE fan of the Crystal beast cards of the game Yu-gi-oh and one day I just thought of creating a story that had them apart of it. Here it is and I hope you enjoy it.

Prologue

A long time ago there was a man called Julius Caesar. He managed to gather seven rare crystals from around the world, one for each place he concord, but when the crystals were being transferred back to Rome the ship got stuck in a storm and the crystals got lost and were never found. Millions of years passed and seven kids are about to find those seven crystal and there going to find one each, but there are seven mages from a mystical relm called Gagore who plan to take over the world.

Chapter 1

Crystal Blessing

“We don’t know why, we don’t know how and we don’t know when, but we will have to save the world.” “My name is Jesse and I was a normal kid. Im fifteen, I went to high school and I love the outdoors but a couple of weeks ago I found a crystal.” “It was a normal day at the beach, sun shinning, kids playing and water crashing, but when I went to have a swim I stepped on something, I though it was just a rock like they always are but it felt smoother than a rock, I picked it up and it was a sapphire crystal.” “But it was different for all of us, I found mine at the beach, Amanda found heres in a river, Vanessa found hers on the side of the road near a sewage drain, Zac found his on an oval at his school, Nathan got it as a gift from his cousin, William found his when he went on his camp and Alexia bought hers without realising what it was and the things it does.” “This may sound wired but we all agree that we were destined to have these crystals.” “Also ever since we found these crystals we have felt different.” “We have researched about each of our crystals, my crystal is the sapphire and the animal representing it is the Pegasus, Amanda’s is the Amber represented by the Mammoth, Vanessa’s is the Amethyst represented by the Cat, Zac’s is the Cobalt represented by the Eagle, Nathan’s is the Emerald represented by the Tortoise, Alexia’s is the Ruby represented by the Carbuncle (not the infection, the mystic animal) and William’s is the Topaz represented by the Tiger.” “The scary thing is that the animals representing out crystals are our favorite animals and favorite colors, creepy isn’t it.” “But we realized these crystals were special when they started glowing and these seven mages started attacking us, then we knew we had a mission to do.” I’ll start from the beginning.


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Tue Sep 28, 2021 10:13 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

A long time ago there was a man called Julius Caesar. He managed to gather seven rare crystals from around the world, one for each place he concord, but when the crystals were being transferred back to Rome the ship got stuck in a storm and the crystals got lost and were never found. Millions of years passed and seven kids are about to find those seven crystal and there going to find one each, but there are seven mages from a mystical relm called Gagore who plan to take over the world.


So we have ourselves a bit of a two for one here with the prologue and the first chapter of this story being in this piece here. I'm going to go ahead and start with the prologue first.

Right away, we've got ourselves a bit of an issue here...and that is mostly because this doesn't really read like a prologue, this is far more like the premise for a story which would make this either a bit of a summary or a blurb. A prologue would be more like a scene where we see Ceaser gather the crystals, or one where the ships sink and the crystals are lost. That aside, this premise here does sound really interesting, it seems like something that I'd potentially read.

“We don’t know why, we don’t know how and we don’t know when, but we will have to save the world.” “My name is Jesse and I was a normal kid. Im fifteen, I went to high school and I love the outdoors but a couple of weeks ago I found a crystal.” “It was a normal day at the beach, sun shinning, kids playing and water crashing, but when I went to have a swim I stepped on something, I though it was just a rock like they always are but it felt smoother than a rock, I picked it up and it was a sapphire crystal.” “But it was different for all of us, I found mine at the beach, Amanda found heres in a river, Vanessa found hers on the side of the road near a sewage drain, Zac found his on an oval at his school, Nathan got it as a gift from his cousin, William found his when he went on his camp and Alexia bought hers without realising what it was and the things it does.” “This may sound wired but we all agree that we were destined to have these crystals.” “Also ever since we found these crystals we have felt different.” “We have researched about each of our crystals, my crystal is the sapphire and the animal representing it is the Pegasus, Amanda’s is the Amber represented by the Mammoth, Vanessa’s is the Amethyst represented by the Cat, Zac’s is the Cobalt represented by the Eagle, Nathan’s is the Emerald represented by the Tortoise, Alexia’s is the Ruby represented by the Carbuncle (not the infection, the mystic animal) and William’s is the Topaz represented by the Tiger.” “The scary thing is that the animals representing out crystals are our favorite animals and favorite colors, creepy isn’t it.” “But we realized these crystals were special when they started glowing and these seven mages started attacking us, then we knew we had a mission to do.” I’ll start from the beginning.


Oooh, so this sounds like one of those epic narrations that you have at the start of some superhero movies to explain things to the readers...and there we run into a slight snag. While with appropriate visuals, that can be pretty fun at the start of a movie, a looong paragraph like this that just feels like a long list is not great for a book, especially cause the whole thing seems to be the entirely of the first chapter. You need to add a little more stuff before it can be a first chapter and also look into introducing tese things in a more gradual and spread out manner. As it is, it came be a bit tough to follow.

Overall, this sounds like a pretty cool concept, but it needs a little bit of work before it can really come across as well as it should here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sat Nov 20, 2010 6:01 am
CaptianRandom says...



Hey Ilovebubbles123
Thank you so much for being the first to read this story, i really wanted to know how i went writing this first chapter, and i hope to fix it. THANKS!




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Thu Nov 18, 2010 11:38 pm
ErBear wrote a review...



Your story is....confusing.

Try to seperate the different dialougue, it's very easy to get lost when it's all one big clump.

Also, watch your prefixes of they're, their, and there.

Other than that, good story! :)

~Tay~

PS- try to reword the prologue.

"He managed to gather seven rare crystals from around the world, one for each place he concord, but when the crystals were being transferred back to Rome the ship got stuck in a storm and the crystals got lost and were never found. Millions of years passed and seven kids are about to find those seven crystal and there going to find one each, but there are seven mages from a mystical relm called Gagore who plan to take over the world."

Try:

He manages to gather seven rare crystals around the world, one for each place he concord(ed?). Tragically, when the crystals were being transferred back to Rome, the ship got stuck in a storm, and the crystals were misplaced and never found. Millions of years passed, and seven kids were about to find the mysterious gems(, although they did not know it). However, there were seven mages from a mystical realm, Gagore, who planned to take over the world (using those crystals?).

What did the crystals have to do with the mages?





For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle