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2010, but not as we know it. ~Prologue

by Dragonet


Prologue

I write by the light of a candle. And no, it's not because I live in the time before electricity. It's because it was the only light we could afford to show, for fear of being seen. Also the dang thing doesn't need to be included with batteries or electricity; which was a plus.

My cousin's form crossed the candle light, for the fiftieth time; making a shadow fall across my paper yet again. She continued to pace, trying to comfort the baby in her arms, while praying that he would stay silent.

Stuffy breathing of a dozen other children could be heard throughout the room; if you could even call it that. Our shelter was nothing more then four stone-cut, moldy, damp walls; roof and flooring made out of bug-infested dirt; and a lonely, broken window cut into one wall, several feet above our heads.

Gee, you say, sounds like your average Halloween, or maybe a common nightmare. It is. You see, we're the only ones left, the thirteen of us. We're the ones they're hunting, we're the ones they want.


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Tue Sep 28, 2021 1:16 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I write by the light of a candle. And no, it's not because I live in the time before electricity. It's because it was the only light we could afford to show, for fear of being seen. Also the dang thing doesn't need to be included with batteries or electricity; which was a plus.

My cousin's form crossed the candle light, for the fiftieth time; making a shadow fall across my paper yet again. She continued to pace, trying to comfort the baby in her arms, while praying that he would stay silent.


Oooh, this is an interesting way to start a prologue. Quite often we see starts with things jumping either right into the action or a building sense of fear of some sort. Here we're seeing a very careful construction of a scene taking place and despite not necessarily building up tension, you can see a sort of unease in the atmosphere. The little details that you include show that this is a family going about their normal day and yet there are lots of red flags showcasing that they are stuck in some sort of dire situation, and most interestingly of all, it seems like a situation they've come to terms with and are quite used to.

Stuffy breathing of a dozen other children could be heard throughout the room; if you could even call it that. Our shelter was nothing more then four stone-cut, moldy, damp walls; roof and flooring made out of bug-infested dirt; and a lonely, broken window cut into one wall, several feet above our heads.

Gee, you say, sounds like your average Halloween, or maybe a common nightmare. It is. You see, we're the only ones left, the thirteen of us. We're the ones they're hunting, we're the ones they want.


Hmm, powerful ending there...at first we get the feeling this is a family, but now it seems to some sort of common survival shelter and they we see that it looks like this is what's left of humanity if I'm reading this currently. I've seen some go as low as one occasionally, but other than that, 13 is a really low number that can make things very interesting for a story cause at that point you barely know if there's a chance for humanity, it just seems doomed from the start. It is pretty intriguing though, despite this being perhaps not the most unique of idea, I still find myself wanting to know more about what could be happening here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sat Nov 13, 2010 3:30 am
servant4christ says...



I am enjoying this immensly! More please!!!




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Thu Nov 11, 2010 10:45 pm
psudiname wrote a review...



hi I'm Psudiname and I will be reviewing your work today. all in all I thought it was pretty good and I think you should definately continue. my favorite things about it were the mood, and the amount of description. I like your style, but feel free to be a little more artistic with your adjectives. for example: you could have changed broken window to something like dilapidated or fractured or something more flashy and intricate, that gives the reader a more precise image of what you are imagining. as for charecter development, I know this is a prologue and thus should not have any charecter development, but make sure that once you start wrting more, you develop your charecters. and finally, grammer and sintax... I noticed one of your sentences said "nothing more then". when comparing things, you should use than; then is for phrases like: "and then this happened". also, try to only use commas when necessary. if you read the sentence: "my cousin's form crossed the candle light, for the fiftieth time" out loud, you might notice that you don't pause when you say "the candle light... for the fiftieth time". I know because I am guilty of that one myself. anyway, I hope you got something out of this review, and feel free to check out some of my work.
--- your friend Psudiname




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Thu Nov 04, 2010 11:34 am
leebass wrote a review...



Hi, i like the atmosphere throughout this. The endings good too, it makes me want to read the rest of the story.
Overall this is pretty good, you just have a few problems with what tense you're writing in, which i've expanded on a bit below. Hope this helps :D


Dragonet wrote:Prologue
#FF0000 ">(you change form present tense to past tense in the first 3 sentences,'it's', 'i write' , 'i live' then 'was' decide which one you wnat to write in and stick to it)
I write by the light of a candle. And no, it's not because I live in the time before electricity. It's because it was the only light we could afford to show, for fear of being seen. Also the dang thing doesn't need to be included with batteries or electricity; which was a plus. #FF0000 ">(this sentence sounds a bit strange, try putting 'also the dang thing doesn't need batteries or electricity to run' or something like that.)(also the tense here changes, you put 'the dang thing doesn't' then 'was a plus' change this to 'didn't', as i think you use past tense throughout most of this. But then at the end you change back to present tense,' we're the only ones left' , 'we're the only ones they're hunting'. Decide whether you want to be telling the story as it is happening or as if it has already happened and stick to it.

My cousin's form crossed the candle light, for the fiftieth time; making a shadow fall across my paper yet again. She continued to pace, trying to comfort the baby in her arms, while praying that he would stay silent.

Stuffy breathing of a dozen other children could be heard throughout the room; if you could even call it that. Our shelter was nothing more then four stone-cut, moldy, damp walls; roof and flooring made out of bug-infested dirt; and a lonely, broken window cut into one wall, several feet above our heads.

Gee, you say, sounds like your average Halloween, or maybe a common nightmare. It is. You see, we're the only ones left, the thirteen of us. We're the ones they're hunting, we're the ones they want.




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Tue Nov 02, 2010 10:32 am
Apple wrote a review...



D-Dog/Rae/Rae-Dog!

It is I, the great and wonderful Apple! I've come to review your work. As I am the coolest most raddest person of all time...you know what I'm saying? *Rae shakes her head* Alright! So let's get this started.

This may be a rather short review, but all well.

I. Nitpicks:

while prayed#FF0000 ">ing that he would stay silent


Hmm, to me, prayed doesn't really flow with the go here. I suggest you change it to 'praying' as it adds a 'lil flavour or in other words: makes more sense then prayed.

II. Plot:

Ooo, electrifying. What is happening? What is going on? Two sentences = great work. You've caught my attention and I want to know more (RIGHT NOW!!!). I don't really have much to comment on as this was solid standing. I like they way you made it eerie and mysterious...The pacing of the chick with the baby only widens it.

You see, we're the only ones left, the thirteen of us.


This sentence definitely caught me and it was because of this snippy sentence that I'm going to keep spamming you till you post more!

III. Overall:

If you're planning to publish this: I suggest widening the prologue. It might be hard as because its short its sweet, lengthening it may take away the effect you wanted. But anyway, overall I thought this was really good. This is a great start and I definitely want to see more. PM me when you got more up, because I am excited to find out who is the main character and the rest of this mysterious thirteen.

~Apple.





Very well; I hear; I admit, but I have a voice too, and for good or evil mine is the speech that cannot be silenced.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness