Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » General


Lunchtime Demise

by mikaylakk25


~A short section of the first chapter of my story~

Maya picked at her turkey sandwich while studying for her science test. The test was next period and she was highly unprepared. From across the table Rahm, her best friend, was explaining the different parts of an atom and how they functioned. She sighed and closed her book.

“What was that for?” he asked obviously annoyed with her.

“I thank you for the help, but I just can’t concentrate right now.”

Across the room Jillette was sitting all alone at a large table. Maya waved, hoping to get her old friend’s attention, but Jillette continued eating, unaware of her attempt. Rahm turned in his chair and saw her as well, he sighed.

“Still hasn’t spoken to you?” he asked taking a bite of his apple.

She shook her head. “Has she spoken to you?”

“Of course not. If she had you would have known straight away.”

Maya inhaled and exhaled slowly. “That’s good to know.”

“Something bugging you?” Rahm asked strangely unaware of the problem at hand.

“No. Well, besides the fact that our good friend is no longer speaking to either of us. I thought you’re supposed to be happy after meeting your creator.”

Rahm blinked his eyes rapidly and tucked a tuff of hair behind his ear. “Maya, you didn’t hear?”

Maya was clueless to what he knew that she didn’t. “No. What?”

“She didn’t get to meet him.”

Her mouth fell open and she took another glance in Jillette’s direction but she was gone. Rahm must have been playing a practical joke on her. He liked being funny, although he never was. Of course Jillette had met her creator.

“Her brother didn’t allow it.”

“Her brother?” she said confused. “Emanuel?”

“Yeah, him.”

“But…but, that’s not his decision to make!” Maya said rather loudly to indoor conversation. Her body was shaking slightly with rage.

How dare him! She remembered hanging out at Jillette’s house and her brother always lurking around, wondering what they were up to. She hadn’t seen him in years, not since he graduated the academy.

She wished Jillette was still in the cafeteria. If she were, Maya would run up and hug her former friend. She couldn’t fathom the idea of never meeting her own creator, of never learning who he was, what he was like. She shuddered at the thought of never being eternally happy, like was promised ever since they were young and unaware of the world around them.

Tears graced her cheeks as she thought about her friend. There must be a way she can help, there just has to be.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
2875 Reviews


Points: 301545
Reviews: 2875

Donate
Sat Dec 04, 2021 6:58 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy....so this I think is a really nicely done opening here. You've done a great job of establishing a nice little touch of mystery and establishing these few characters and a bit of their dynamic. Its just about everything you could expect from a first chapter.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Maya picked at her turkey sandwich while studying for her science test. The test was next period and she was highly unprepared. From across the table Rahm, her best friend, was explaining the different parts of an atom and how they functioned. She sighed and closed her book.

“What was that for?” he asked obviously annoyed with her.

“I thank you for the help, but I just can’t concentrate right now.”

Across the room Jillette was sitting all alone at a large table. Maya waved, hoping to get her old friend’s attention, but Jillette continued eating, unaware of her attempt. Rahm turned in his chair and saw her as well, he sighed.


Okay, this is an interesting little start. Its the typical group of friends scenario but I like how this seems to be getting introduced while there is a slight sense of conflict going on and right away we can detect some unease in the air with this particular piece. I think it makes for a pretty good start here.

“Still hasn’t spoken to you?” he asked taking a bite of his apple.

She shook her head. “Has she spoken to you?”

“Of course not. If she had you would have known straight away.”

Maya inhaled and exhaled slowly. “That’s good to know.”

“Something bugging you?” Rahm asked strangely unaware of the problem at hand.

“No. Well, besides the fact that our good friend is no longer speaking to either of us. I thought you’re supposed to be happy after meeting your creator.”

Rahm blinked his eyes rapidly and tucked a tuff of hair behind his ear. “Maya, you didn’t hear?”

Maya was clueless to what he knew that she didn’t. “No. What?”

“She didn’t get to meet him.”


Okay...so that's all adding to a nice buildup of mystery here, adding on top of the friend who appears to be slightly estranged with some other mystery with this whole mention of a creator and such. Well, I'd say this book is going a great job of getting and keeping the reader's attention so far.

Her mouth fell open and she took another glance in Jillette’s direction but she was gone. Rahm must have been playing a practical joke on her. He liked being funny, although he never was. Of course Jillette had met her creator.

“Her brother didn’t allow it.”

“Her brother?” she said confused. “Emanuel?”

“Yeah, him.”

“But…but, that’s not his decision to make!” Maya said rather loudly to indoor conversation. Her body was shaking slightly with rage.

How dare him! She remembered hanging out at Jillette’s house and her brother always lurking around, wondering what they were up to. She hadn’t seen him in years, not since he graduated the academy.


Okay, so even more variables being thrown into the mix and so far I am really enjoying this opening here. I love how you're not slowing the pace down with unnecessary explanation, but telling us just enough to make relative sense of what's happening and create this wonderful sense of mystery.

She wished Jillette was still in the cafeteria. If she were, Maya would run up and hug her former friend. She couldn’t fathom the idea of never meeting her own creator, of never learning who he was, what he was like. She shuddered at the thought of never being eternally happy, like was promised ever since they were young and unaware of the world around them.

Tears graced her cheeks as she thought about her friend. There must be a way she can help, there just has to be.


Okay, so that certainly opens up even more on these thoughts here. I think you've presented quite the case here and this ending works really well to make you as a reader want to find out more here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think you've created a really good start here. Its certainly successful at making me want to continue reading here and I think it does have pretty much everything you could expect from something like this.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar


Points: 1115
Reviews: 1

Donate
Sun Sep 05, 2010 11:33 pm
mikaylakk25 says...



Thank you so much for the editing. Those little mistakes I must have missed.
I agree with the tip of making the dialogue more realistic and I'll fix it. I also agree with the other tips you gave. Thanks a lot.




User avatar
318 Reviews


Points: 10870
Reviews: 318

Donate
Sun Sep 05, 2010 11:27 pm
Abigail_W. wrote a review...



Hi Mikaylakk25! I think I'll go through and edit some things in red, first.

mikaylakk25 wrote:Maya picked at her turkey sandwich while studying for her science test. The test was next period and she was highly unprepared. From across the table#FF0000 ">, Rahm, her best friend, was explaining the different parts of an atom and how they functioned. She sighed and closed her book.

“What was that for?” he asked#FF0000 ">, obviously annoyed with her.

“I thank you for the help, but I just can’t concentrate right now.”


Making dialogue realistic is one of the hardest parts of writing. I would take out the "I" in the previous sentence and just say, "Thank you for the help, but I just can't concentrate right now." I mean, when was the last time you heard someone say, "I thank you," in real life?

Mikaylakk15 wrote:Across the room Jillette was sitting all alone at a large table. Maya waved, hoping to get her old friend’s attention, but Jillette continued eating, unaware of her attempt. Rahm turned in his chair,#FF0000 "> and saw her as well, #FF0000 ">and #FF0000 ">he sighed.

“Still hasn’t spoken to you?” he asked#FF0000 ">, taking a bite #FF0000 ">out of his apple.

She shook her head. “Has she spoken to you?”

“Of course not. If she had you would have known straight away.”

Maya inhaled and exhaled slowly. “That’s good to know.”

“Something bugging you?” Rahm asked#FF0000 ">, strangely unaware of the problem at hand.

“No. Well, besides the fact that our good friend is no longer speaking to either of us. I thought you’re supposed to be happy after meeting your creator.”

Rahm blinked his eyes rapidly and tucked a tuf#FF0000 ">t of hair behind his ear. “Maya, you didn’t hear?”

Maya was clueless #FF0000 ">as to what he knew #FF0000 ">that #FF0000 ">and she didn’t. “No. What?”

“She didn’t get to meet him.”

Her mouth fell open and she took another glance in Jillette’s direction#FF0000 ">, but she was gone. Rahm must have been playing a practical joke on her. He liked being funny, although he never was. Of course Jillette had met her creator.


When you said, "'I thought you're supposed to be happy after meeting your creator,'" I thought you were referring to Rahm meeting his creator. Perhaps, instead, you could have Maya say, "I thought she was supposed to be happy after meeting her creator." This would clarify a lot. :)

Mikaylakk15 wrote:“Her brother didn’t allow it.”

“Her brother?” she said#FF0000 ">, confused. “Emanuel?”

“Yeah, him.”

“But…but, that’s not his decision to make!” Maya said rather loudly #FF0000 ">to #FF0000 ">for indoor conversation. Her body was shaking slightly with rage.

How dare #FF0000 ">him #FF0000 ">he! She remembered hanging out at Jillette’s house and her brother always lurking around, wondering what they were up to. She hadn’t seen him in years, not since he graduated #FF0000 ">from the academy.

She wished Jillette was still in the cafeteria. If she were, Maya would #FF0000 ">have run up and hug#FF0000 ">ged her former friend. She couldn’t fathom the idea of never meeting her own creator, of never learning who he was, what he was like. She shuddered at the thought of never being eternally happy, like was promised ever since they were young and unaware of the world around them.

Tears graced her cheeks as she thought about her friend. There must be a way she can help, there just has to be.


I want to read more! Man, what is the deal with the creators? You totally have me hooked. I want to read more! I want to read more! Please let me know when you post more; this was fabulous. I hope you will take into consideration what I have edited, and this should be a spectacular story!

- Abigail





"My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together."
— Bishop Desmond Tutu