Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy....so this I think is a really nicely done opening here. You've done a great job of establishing a nice little touch of mystery and establishing these few characters and a bit of their dynamic. Its just about everything you could expect from a first chapter.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Maya picked at her turkey sandwich while studying for her science test. The test was next period and she was highly unprepared. From across the table Rahm, her best friend, was explaining the different parts of an atom and how they functioned. She sighed and closed her book.
“What was that for?” he asked obviously annoyed with her.
“I thank you for the help, but I just can’t concentrate right now.”
Across the room Jillette was sitting all alone at a large table. Maya waved, hoping to get her old friend’s attention, but Jillette continued eating, unaware of her attempt. Rahm turned in his chair and saw her as well, he sighed.
Okay, this is an interesting little start. Its the typical group of friends scenario but I like how this seems to be getting introduced while there is a slight sense of conflict going on and right away we can detect some unease in the air with this particular piece. I think it makes for a pretty good start here.
“Still hasn’t spoken to you?” he asked taking a bite of his apple.
She shook her head. “Has she spoken to you?”
“Of course not. If she had you would have known straight away.”
Maya inhaled and exhaled slowly. “That’s good to know.”
“Something bugging you?” Rahm asked strangely unaware of the problem at hand.
“No. Well, besides the fact that our good friend is no longer speaking to either of us. I thought you’re supposed to be happy after meeting your creator.”
Rahm blinked his eyes rapidly and tucked a tuff of hair behind his ear. “Maya, you didn’t hear?”
Maya was clueless to what he knew that she didn’t. “No. What?”
“She didn’t get to meet him.”
Okay...so that's all adding to a nice buildup of mystery here, adding on top of the friend who appears to be slightly estranged with some other mystery with this whole mention of a creator and such. Well, I'd say this book is going a great job of getting and keeping the reader's attention so far.
Her mouth fell open and she took another glance in Jillette’s direction but she was gone. Rahm must have been playing a practical joke on her. He liked being funny, although he never was. Of course Jillette had met her creator.
“Her brother didn’t allow it.”
“Her brother?” she said confused. “Emanuel?”
“Yeah, him.”
“But…but, that’s not his decision to make!” Maya said rather loudly to indoor conversation. Her body was shaking slightly with rage.
How dare him! She remembered hanging out at Jillette’s house and her brother always lurking around, wondering what they were up to. She hadn’t seen him in years, not since he graduated the academy.
Okay, so even more variables being thrown into the mix and so far I am really enjoying this opening here. I love how you're not slowing the pace down with unnecessary explanation, but telling us just enough to make relative sense of what's happening and create this wonderful sense of mystery.
She wished Jillette was still in the cafeteria. If she were, Maya would run up and hug her former friend. She couldn’t fathom the idea of never meeting her own creator, of never learning who he was, what he was like. She shuddered at the thought of never being eternally happy, like was promised ever since they were young and unaware of the world around them.
Tears graced her cheeks as she thought about her friend. There must be a way she can help, there just has to be.
Okay, so that certainly opens up even more on these thoughts here. I think you've presented quite the case here and this ending works really well to make you as a reader want to find out more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think you've created a really good start here. Its certainly successful at making me want to continue reading here and I think it does have pretty much everything you could expect from something like this.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 253913
Reviews: 4100
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