Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
“No! Go Back! I didn’t mean to!” I screamed as a rotting corpse drug it’s almost decomposed body towards me, the reason it was out of the ground in the first place. I backed up to try and stay out of reach of it’s crumbling fingers but tripped over a rock or log, that was conveniently placed in this graveyard, and fell. I started to scoot backwards, almost crab crawling but that would take to long. I needed to get out of their-now. “Please!” I pleaded with the monster who was once a person. I kept backing up and the beast kept coming. It was making awful grunts and groans, stuff straight out of a 1985 zombie horror flick. I backed into something solid and realized my surroundings had changed, I was in a basement now, my basement and I was against the wall with this thing still coming at me. I started to shake so much my arms could barley hold me up. I was trapped. P-Please ! S-Stop!” I stuttered out, the thing wasn’t letting off. I curled my legs up as best as I could but I was shaking so bad my legs kept slipping on the concrete floor. I could feel hot tears roll down my cheeks as the monster got closer, just out of reach. He stretched his deteriorating arm out to my leg. It only had a few fingers left and there was no meat on the whole arm, just bits of skin mixed in with whatever clothing he was buried in, It was to rotted and faded to tell what it was though. I closed my eyes and muttered a few last pleads with him before his bone wrapped around my ankle, and I knew I had just felt the icy cold grasp of death.
Okayy..so that's quite the start here. It seems we have a very dangerous situation that we've been thrown right into. One thing that's slightly off about this start is that it almost seems like its tussling between whether to be funny or to be serious and terrifying and I don't think it fully manages to pull of either. Its an interesting start but I feel like it loses a lot of the effect it could have had because of that aforementioned issue.
“AH!” I screamed and reached out to grab my pillow and clutch it against me, I needed something to hold onto after that night mare. I reached my hand out as far as I dared but came up with nothing but sand and dust. Sand and dust? Why was there sand and dust on my bed? I quickly raised myself up on my arms and took a look around, quickly realizing this was not my bedroom. I gasped in a breath as realization dawned on me. I started shaking and could feel hives bubbling up on my forearms, neck and face. It felt like the room was pressing in on me, like I was inside a bottle of soda and someone was shaking me. Getting tighter and tighter until I eventually burst. I was torn between yelling for mom and just sucking it up and running up the stairs alone….
Well that's interesting. So the whole thing turns out to be a dream, I'm guessing perhaps that's foreshadowing for things to come or some memory that will become important later, if its neither then that dream is a little pointless to start on. At any rate, this is a interesting twist although once again the whole calling for mother thing manages to be oddly funny while waking up in a strange location is a little bit more exciting. It once again is hard to judge what exactly its trying to be and that's not working out great so far.
“Mo-” I stopped short, Mom wasn’t home. She was at the hospital was Sky, my sister, again. I sucked in a big gulp of damp, musty air and stood up, praying the light would turn on. I fast walked to the base of the stairs and crawled my way up them, feeling out every step with my hand before taking it. The rough and rotting wood was splintering under my hands and feet. I stood and cautiously reached for the cold metal knob that would secure my escape. I turned it and thankfully, it turned easily and I was able to open the door and leave my nightmare. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed my medicine, Xanax, an anti-anxiety, taking two and swallowing them with a glass of water. The pills were chalky and pieces of them flaked off in my mouth and throat, leaving an unpleasant taste. I chugged the rest of my water, trying to wash the metallic taste down. I put my cup in the sink and turned to the clock. 6:20 AM, there was no way I was going to school after a night like that. I went to my room and threw on some clothes, grabbed my bag and headed out the door, taking my set of keys with me.
And then we finally end on a part that's serious. Judging from that, I'd assume that's what you wanted throughout so in that case try to make things sounds a little less silly in those earlier bits and make things a bit more serious throughout. Overall though, this isn't a bad start. Its got enough mystery going for it that I certainly feel like I'd read more. It just needs a little bit of ironing out here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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