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Bellatrix and Severus: A Love Story :smt055

by mimicat401


Prologue

Bellatrix Lestrange’s POV

I stood in front of my mirror and sighed. My hair was too frizzy. Severus would never like me. I had had a crush on Severus Snape for a long time. He never even looked at me. We were both seventeen, in our seventh year at Hogwarts. I was hoping we could be at least friends.

Giving up on my hair, I went down the stairs to the Slytherin common room. Waiting at the stairs was Severus.

“Hello, Bellatrix,” he. “Can you meet me outside after breakfast? I need to talk to you.”

I was in shock. “Sure,” I said. “I would love to.”

“Okay. See you then.” Severus walked away.

And that was when I knew we would be together forever.


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Thu Dec 09, 2021 4:16 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I stood in front of my mirror and sighed. My hair was too frizzy. Severus would never like me. I had had a crush on Severus Snape for a long time. He never even looked at me. We were both seventeen, in our seventh year at Hogwarts. I was hoping we could be at least friends.

Giving up on my hair, I went down the stairs to the Slytherin common room. Waiting at the stairs was Severus.

“Hello, Bellatrix,” he. “Can you meet me outside after breakfast? I need to talk to you.”

I was in shock. “Sure,” I said. “I would love to.”

“Okay. See you then.” Severus walked away.

And that was when I knew we would be together forever.


OKayy...to be completely honest right off the bat, I do have to say this is much too short to be anything really. Only like a blurb perhaps or some sort of teaser could work at this length. Here we've got barely anything happening and at any rate, this particular sort of scene doesn't even seem like its fit for a prologue. A prologue is a sort of scene that you should be able to not read and still understand the plot, this one on the other hand sort of seems to be the major inciting incident of this entire plot and hence would make so much more sense as the first chapter.

Onto the scene itself, its not bad, but there's just really almost nothing here. The one detail we get regarding that age there sounds a tiny bit forced. I think you need to be taking a few steps back here and imagining this scene a little better. We need some more details on what this place Bellatrix is in is like, what that facial expressions were like when the discussion went down. There's quite a bit more description and detail you can work into this one to make it more complex and make an actual scene out of it. So yeah...nice premise, seems like it could be a cute little fanfic if you do it well, but you need to change quite a few things here for this prologue.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sat Sep 04, 2010 8:49 pm
thegilliangill wrote a review...



Hey I am going to review your work.

I think you should rephrase this to I was hope we could at least have been friends!

I was hoping we could be at least friends.


Other than that this is really good.

However, I think you need more detail, and you need to tell us more about Bellatrix's emotions, I don't understand how this works though...because they obviously don't end up together forever.




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Mon Aug 16, 2010 6:56 pm
Jagged wrote a review...



Hey mimicat.

I was rather intrigued by the idea of a Severus/Bellatrix pairing, which sounds to me like it could have lots of promise and is quite rare to stumble on.

Sadly, I don’t find your story all that great. Even if I ignore the fact that at this moment in time Bellatrix’s last name should be Black rather than Lestrange, since she hasn’t married yet, or that she's not the same age as Snape, her characterization here is just so far off from her canon one I automatically find myself assuming she’s an original character that just happens to share Bellatrix’s name.

For one, I simply cannot picture canon!Bellatrix as a lovestruck seventeen year-old. Nothing of what we see of her from the books shows her to be likely to have ever been this way: Bellatrix is crazy, sadistic and verging on the psychopathic, and while this may be partly explained off by her stunt in Azkaban, it has to have roots early on. So, worrying about her hair and harboring a secret crush on Severus Snape, of all people (aka the moody, disagreeable and ugly half-blood that’s disdained by his own housemates) to the point that she is in shock at his wanting to talk to her?

Err. No.

Bella Black is more likely to boldly go in his face and declare her intentions, not just pitifuly cling to the hope that they "could at least be friend". Not even to mention the canonical fact that her only real interest? Is Voldemort. She never even shows affection to her husband. That she would be so pleased at the thought of being "together forever" when nothing has even happened yet is also plain ridiculous. He what, looked at her? Overreaction much?

I can deal with alternate universes and interpretations of characters, but usually it’s made obvious straight away. Here? No such thing, which leads me to understand it is supposed to more or less follow canon, and the sheer characterization gap between this fic and Rowling’s characters destroys all credibility.

Right now, this reads more as a Snape/OC than anything else. If you’re bent on using Bellatrix, all I can say is: read again, and pay attention.




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Mon Aug 16, 2010 1:40 am
iheartbooks says...



I like this idea of a younger version of the older Harry Potter characters. Although, didn't Snape like Lily? Just wondering. But I like trying to picture Bellatrix in love, lol. Supply the writing and we'll supply the laughs.

-iheartbooks♥




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Sun Aug 15, 2010 11:34 pm
Charmgirl1995 says...



Ok, I think you should make Bellatrix a little more vain because thats how she is. And elaborate some more because I really want to read this story!!!




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Sun Aug 15, 2010 7:14 pm
TheEnigma wrote a review...



Wow, it's really short but such a new idea. I have trouble picturing Bellatrix at age seventeen, standing in front of a mirror and moaning over her hair. That's so different :). It'll make for a really good story, though I don't know if she was even at Hogwarts with Snape.
You should probably expand this or else just include it in your first chapter. It's too short for a prologue.
I look forward to reading more!





An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that life's going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.
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