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Outsmarted - Prologue

by DrowningInDarkness


I suppose this is more of a mystery novel than a romance novel, but I still felt that it belongs in the Romance catagory. Also, I'm really not that pleased with the title, so some suggestions would be nice. Of course, it's kind of hard to name something having read only the prologue. And I know this is a really, really short prologue but I couldn't make it any longer than that because I don't want to reveal who the murderer is. Hope you like it!

Prologue

Mystery Person’s POV

The scream cut through the air like a blade. Which was kind of funny, because I was holding one. I wrenched the knife out of the girl’s body, letting her crumple to the floor. As I stared down at her, a wave of remorse washed over me, but I pushed it back just as quickly as it had come. There wasn’t time to stand here and feel guilty. I had to escape.

It was good that the door was locked, because it would buy me just enough time to get out of here. I reached for the digital clock on the night table and threw it through the window, shattering the glass.

I could hear people in the hallway, yelling. It was only a matter of time before they broke down the door.

I shot one last glance at the girl’s body. Then I climbed through the window and escaped into the night.


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Thu Dec 09, 2021 7:27 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The scream cut through the air like a blade. Which was kind of funny, because I was holding one. I wrenched the knife out of the girl’s body, letting her crumple to the floor. As I stared down at her, a wave of remorse washed over me, but I pushed it back just as quickly as it had come. There wasn’t time to stand here and feel guilty. I had to escape.

It was good that the door was locked, because it would buy me just enough time to get out of here. I reached for the digital clock on the night table and threw it through the window, shattering the glass.

I could hear people in the hallway, yelling. It was only a matter of time before they broke down the door.

I shot one last glance at the girl’s body. Then I climbed through the window and escaped into the night.


Well as far as prologues go I do like this one. Its quick and it gets across a singular powerful scene that seems like it could be rather important to this story but not the sort of thing you can't understand the story without reading. It seems like a pretty good example of a scene that works well in a prologue and despite its shortness it still manages to be pretty effective here.

I like how you start immediately in the midst of the killing motion here. It creates a lot more surprise and initial shock as a reader. While there is certainly a case to be made for more building of some tension before this killing, I think in the context of a prologue like this, starting at a point like this makes the most sense and creates the best result.

The mention of guilt is an interesting contrast as well considering how smooth the escape is. The thoughts there seem to suggest this is perhaps someone they know or at least this is someone who hasn't fully lost their humanity but the efficiency of the escape and the lack of a physical reaction to what they've just done contradicts it a bit as that suggests a practiced ease to their actions. Well, at any rate, this makes for a very interesting piece here....I think its certainly interesting to enough to make me want to read more here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Aug 15, 2010 7:47 pm



Howdy everybody!!
Sorry, but for now I'm not going to keep on writing this because there's another story I've been thinking of writing and I like it better than this one. Someday I'll continue this, but I don't know when that will be. Sorry! And thanks for commenting. You're feedback really helped :)
- Dana




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Fri Aug 13, 2010 2:34 pm
Hecate wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here to review for you!

You're right, it does sound more like a mystery than romance. Still, that's just the prologue, maybe you're planning on making it more romantic later on. As for now, I couldn't find any grammatical errors, but I'm not one to really nit pick. Much.

As some of the other users mentioned, there are some cliches involved, but sometimes a cliche could sound nice, so that's up to you.

I was thinking though, that to pull us into the story even more, you could maybe tell us how the girl was fighting for her last breath, what the atmosphere was. In appropriate places, to describe these things you could perhaps use similes or metaphors to make your piece more exciting.

Otherwise, it's pretty good. PM me when you post more ;)




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Thu Aug 12, 2010 7:31 pm
Nike says...



Hello! wow, this is a mystery. It's a great prologue, it just pulls you in. But the writers above me are right too!
Keep Writing! I wanna see more!
Nike :)




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Thu Aug 12, 2010 1:18 pm



Thanks for your feedback!!
I feel like I should clear some things up though. It's a mystery, and the whole point is that you don't know who the murderer is. The main character is not mentioned in the prologue at all, in fact, she wasn't even around when the crime happened. I wrote the prologue in the murderer's point of view to make it a bit interesting.
Anyway, I suppose I could've added a bit more details here and there...




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Thu Aug 12, 2010 6:04 am
IgniteThisAngel wrote a review...



This is a pretty good start to the story, if you ask me.

It is rather short, and it could use some more descriptions in it. You could have explained why the girl was killed, to some extent, at least. Maybe you could have added in a few of the killer's thoughts or feelings, or maybe you could have gone a little more in depth with the actual killing.
Honestly, it's fine the way it is, but a little more detail thrown into what's already there couldn't hurt.

In a way, it does feel slightly rushed, but it is only a prologue, and doesn't need to be some gigantic installment.

As for the title, it's hard to say with how little is revealed about the story. Later on, when people can tell why 'Outsmarted' was chosen in the first place and might have an idea for a different title, it may be open for debate. For now, what you have seems perfectly fine.

Overall, good job. I enjoyed the prologue, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter :)

-Shauna




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Thu Aug 12, 2010 3:14 am
Razzker wrote a review...



I'll just give a quick review for this prologue.

I agree with the reviewers above. Even though this is a prologue, a little more description about the setting around the MC couldn't hurt. Maybe a little emotion from the killer as well. It was hard to sense the urgency of the situation.

Overall, it was quite good for a prologue. It needs working on, though!

Good luck! I'll still keep reading what's next. It is pretty interesting.




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Wed Aug 11, 2010 5:31 pm
Glimmerglass wrote a review...



Hi, DrowningInDarkness!
So, when I read this, I was immediately intrigued. You describe enough of the scenario to make the reader interested, and yet leave much unsaid, so that the reader is curious as to what happens next. I think that its brevity is good for the circumstances, but the lack of much description makes it hard for me to relate to the characters. I agree with gabriella in that you could probably add a more emotional level to the piece.
Overall, I think this is an excellent start to what seems like a fascinating story. I don't have any title suggestions, but so far, "Outsmarted" sounds good. :D

Keep writing!

--Glim




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Wed Aug 11, 2010 4:59 pm
gabriella wrote a review...



This prologue has me interested! I do feel, however, that you need to give a little more emotion. Shouldn't I feel sorry for the victim? Or maybe triumphant for the killer. Either way the reader needs to know what's going on on a deeper level. Then again, this is only a prologue so I guess it doesn't have to be so detailed.
The very last line is REALLY cliche. Just saying. But it does fit into the story.

Other than that, I am looking forward to the rest!

-Gabbs




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Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:03 pm
LadyPurple wrote a review...



Hiya DrowningInDarkness. I like how you started. I'm interested now. I'm guessing you'll explain why the killer killed the girl later on. So I'll just move on. You have no spelling errors (lucky :) ) Or grammar as far as I can see anyway.

I suppose this is more of a mystery novel than a romance novel, but I still felt that it belongs in the Romance category

It should be in romance if there is any romance. But If it doesn't really focus on a romance then it should be in mystery.
DrowningInDarkness wrote:Prologue

Mystery Person’s POV

The scream cut through the air like a blade. Which was kind of funny, because I was holding one. I wrenched the knife out of the girl’s body, letting her crumple to the floor. As I stared down at her, a wave of remorse washed over me, but I pushed it back just as quickly as it had come. There wasn’t time to stand here and feel guilty. I had to escape.

It was good that the door was locked, because it would buy me just enough time to get out of here. I reached for the digital clock on the night table and threw it through the window, shattering the glass.

I could hear people in the hallway, yelling. It was only a matter of time before they broke down the door.

I shot one last glance at the girl’s body. Then I climbed through the window and escaped into the night.

I think the name is good for now because it's mystery but I have no suggestions right now.
~Ladypurple.





Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe.
— John Milton (Poet)