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Prolouge

by bhoutris


: There is a city, one city that holds the remaining population of the earth. 500 years ago in 2012 a nuclear bomb was set off on the earth. Only 564 people survived the radiation and bomb. Many had warned us but we did not listen. The SSF (special security forces) gathered the survivors and set them up in a camp in the Rocky Mountains. Few people survived in the camp because of the food shortages and the disease. The disease mutated people into killing machines. The disease was caused from the radiation. The diseased had 3 rows of razor sharp teeth, extreme speed, thirst for blood, when they were injured they would turn into wolves, and they were only kill able in wolf form. The disease would spread like wildfire in the air we breathe, one breath of the air and it was over, forever. The SSF decided to protect the uninfected they put every sick or diseased person outside the camp and built 70 foot high electric fences around the village. Everyone on the wrong side of the fence was left to fend for themselves. At night if you looked out beyond the city limits you could see the diseased hundreds of them standing there, licking their lips and waiting. The population of the camp steadily rose meanwhile the camp becoming fuller and fuller the dormitories getting more and more crowded. 25 years ago the SSF decided that every year there would be a Game... or you could say, a hunt would be held. 28 contestants were chosen any age, any size. Tracking devices put into their arms. Video cameras in their eyes, then they were released out of the camp, the last person standing wins. The contestants were nicknamed Flesh Hunters; the beasts they fought were nicknamed kixers.


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Sun Jan 16, 2022 2:17 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

There is a city, one city that holds the remaining population of the earth. 500 years ago in 2012 a nuclear bomb was set off on the earth. Only 564 people survived the radiation and bomb. Many had warned us but we did not listen. The SSF (special security forces) gathered the survivors and set them up in a camp in the Rocky Mountains. Few people survived in the camp because of the food shortages and the disease. The disease mutated people into killing machines. The disease was caused from the radiation. The diseased had 3 rows of razor sharp teeth, extreme speed, thirst for blood, when they were injured they would turn into wolves, and they were only kill able in wolf form. The disease would spread like wildfire in the air we breathe, one breath of the air and it was over, forever. The SSF decided to protect the uninfected they put every sick or diseased person outside the camp and built 70 foot high electric fences around the village. Everyone on the wrong side of the fence was left to fend for themselves. At night if you looked out beyond the city limits you could see the diseased hundreds of them standing there, licking their lips and waiting. The population of the camp steadily rose meanwhile the camp becoming fuller and fuller the dormitories getting more and more crowded. 25 years ago the SSF decided that every year there would be a Game... or you could say, a hunt would be held. 28 contestants were chosen any age, any size. Tracking devices put into their arms. Video cameras in their eyes, then they were released out of the camp, the last person standing wins. The contestants were nicknamed Flesh Hunters; the beasts they fought were nicknamed kixers.


Well right off the bat I'll start by saying that this isn't really a prologue, rather it seems to be sort of a detailed premise/ setup to a story, which really isn't what a prologue is meant to be, so if you really wanted to make a bit of a prologue you're likely going to have to make some significant changes here, because a prologue is more like a scene rather this sort of summary here.

Moving past that issue, and onto the actual premise you have here, this is actually not too bad. It seems you've got a fairly complex sort of world history built up here and the whole build up to everything while a little bit off the rails, sounds like something that could be pretty interesting to read.

The idea of this hunt thing seems like its a bit cliche at this point, there are several takes on this, but then, it is a fun idea and I think you've managed to make this particular situation sufficiently unique here so for the most part I think you've managed to do a pretty solid job here for the most part.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue Jun 15, 2010 7:58 pm
Vanadis wrote a review...



Hi there.

Okay, having a degree in nuclear engineering, this really sounded unbelievable to me, for a few reasons.

1. #800080 ">You only mention that there's one nuclear bomb. Right now, it's inconsistent; not even the most powerful nuke could take out the whole world. Even the fallout wouldn't make it around the entire world. It could be possible to build it, but no country would have the guts or the desire to make something that would take out the entire world. Secondly, anything like that would just be so big that they would probably have to build it in space, and then pull it out of orbit and drop to the planet. Think of it like this; the asteroid that, in theory, took out the dinosaurs was about the size of Texas.

2. #800080 ">Radiation does not do that. It gives you cancer, pretty much. It can also make you psychotic, but there is no link to radiation causing deformities, especially not the people it happens to. The only deformities ever linked to radiation were the deformation of children who were in the womb while their mothers were subjected to large doses of radiation.

3. #800080 ">The amount of survivors is very low. But this sort of goes back to the fact that a nuke wouldn't take out that many people in the first place, unless it was that uber-space-nuke that doesn't exist.

A suggestion could be to have this disease (which sounds sort of lycanthropic, to me) exist before the planet gets nuked. For instance, maybe the lycanthropy could be just something that already exists, or was caused due to evolution within a small-ish number of people and then brought out into the crowd. Then, with a disease that widespread and scary, governments could (if you still want to use the bomb idea, which I think you should because it gives an excellent set-up for a post-apocalyptic world) start finding large areas and start nuking them to take out the werewolf population. That would create a lot of fallout, killing a ton of people everywhere, and there's your post-apocalyptic setup.

Now about the camps. Make sure that those are in quarried-out mountains; the rock and whatnot that form them would act as a natural fallout shelter.

Definitely give the disease a name.

Also, about the SSF--give it a more believable name. Like, what special security forces are you talking about? Now, for this, I might use Homeland Security, which may be the FBI and National Guard forces, maybe the CIA, so call it something a little more specific like perhaps the Homeland Security Defense Forces, or something.

I do like the idea of the game, though. It would get rid of some of the lycanthropes, (as well as some of the people, so make sure you have some way to have the population still growing--they're trying to survive, yes?) And it would also probably increase morale. It's entertainment for the people in the camps. That's good.

Since this review is already getting huge, I'm going to say just proofread it, rather than trying to do it myself. There are a lot of places you get redundant in your wording, or you have short, disjointed sentences, or fragments.

One of the best things you can do in this case is just get on the internet and look things up. I understand that for this, there has to be some suspension of disbelief, but you have to keep the general majority of it somewhat believable. Look up nuclear bombs, radiation effects, defense forces that handle massive outbreaks of disease, different theories of lycanthropy. Then use that to sort of create your own ideas with what you read. That will help ensure that you're not writing anything that couldn't possibly ever happen.

All in all, I thought this was a really cool idea. With some research and editing, I think it can be great, so don't give up on it! I want to see what this turns out to be. And if you need any help, just PM me and I'll be happy to give you some pointers and whatever information I can that will help you.

Hope this helps!




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Tue Jun 15, 2010 4:57 am
jackle wrote a review...



ok, my problem with this is that it is just too unbelievable. that really puts people off stories.

564 people survived the radiation and bomb.

how did they survive? why didn't the radiation affect them? predominantly men or women? children?
The diseased had 3 rows of razor sharp teeth, extreme speed, thirst for blood, when they were injured they would turn into wolves,

i know what TV says about radiation giving people super powers, etc, but it's just not possible. If i was to write a story like this, the radiation would make them lose their minds so they start, i dunno, chewing on sticks and rocks which sharpens their teeth. but suddenly growing an extra two rows of teeth? no way. and the wolf thing? totally impossible. this seems more like a zombie-survivor story than Twilight or something, so i would cut the wolf thing out, even though i am a fan of wolf stuff.
...2012 a nuclear bomb was set off on the earth...
it doesn't say where the bomb was set off, but realistically, the Americans might accidentally blown themselves up or blew up Iraq or something to stop all the wars. i would probably set the story in a place like Australia, which would make sense because it's out of the way.
it's not the story line i have a problem with, i actually think it's really good, just some of the important details are too unrealistic for me to like.





I like to create sympathy for my characters, then set the monsters loose.
— Stephen King