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Death by Chess June 24 2091

by Kaywiia


Just Because I Have No Other Choice

(And How Gusto Was Still Eating a Burrito)

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I wake up to morning sunlight. It had stopped raining, and the ancient clock in the truck claimed it was seven o'clock. We were driving on a poorly paved road, and the sun beat down on the lake beside us, causing the water to shimmer. I notice the lack of tree's, and frown.

"Where are we?" I ask Gusto. I didn't recognize this place at all, and our family had gone to Mexico a few times.

"Err, about 50 miles over the boarder. A small town is on the next left. I will drop you off there, senorita." He is smiling, and has another burrito in his hand. The sight makes me smile.

"Gracias." I say. He smiles.

We drive onto a dirt road, and pull up in a very, very small town. I can see the beginning and end of it. No trees line the road, and bushes are few and far between. the tires kick up dust

"Here is where I leave you, my dear. Adios. But, remember, stay away from the Foxes." With that he hops back in his truck before I can even say goodbye. He drives away in a cloud of tan, and I look out into what might be where I would sleep tonight.

I cough as a it of the dust goes up my throat, and I rub my eyes. When the dust clears, I see what looks like a building in the distance. I decide to head there, because bigger and more civilized buildings usually meant bigger and more civilized living conditions.

I find a path at the edge of the town, and start walking. All I have is my suitcase, money, and my dad's pistol which I didn't have the faintest idea of how to use. But this was Mexico, most people didn't know how to use a gun, or so I heard. I was still worried about this group, The Foxes, and wasn't sure what I would do if I met up with them.

Gusto's words ring in my head.

Senorita, one more thing. There is a group called the Foxes. Stay away from them all. And if you do see them, it is likely to be the last thing you ever do.


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Fri Jan 21, 2022 4:21 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I wake up to morning sunlight. It had stopped raining, and the ancient clock in the truck claimed it was seven o'clock. We were driving on a poorly paved road, and the sun beat down on the lake beside us, causing the water to shimmer. I notice the lack of tree's, and frown.

"Where are we?" I ask Gusto. I didn't recognize this place at all, and our family had gone to Mexico a few times.

"Err, about 50 miles over the boarder. A small town is on the next left. I will drop you off there, senorita." He is smiling, and has another burrito in his hand. The sight makes me smile.

"Gracias." I say. He smiles.


This is an interesting opening. There is a rather relaxed tone about it, especially considering the kind of title that we have on the piece, so it makes for a lovely bit of contrast and creates some excitement because now you're brain is actively trying to discover how a title like that and a relaxed like this could possibly mix.

We drive onto a dirt road, and pull up in a very, very small town. I can see the beginning and end of it. No trees line the road, and bushes are few and far between. the tires kick up dust

"Here is where I leave you, my dear. Adios. But, remember, stay away from the Foxes." With that he hops back in his truck before I can even say goodbye. He drives away in a cloud of tan, and I look out into what might be where I would sleep tonight.

I cough as a it of the dust goes up my throat, and I rub my eyes. When the dust clears, I see what looks like a building in the distance. I decide to head there, because bigger and more civilized buildings usually meant bigger and more civilized living conditions.


Hmm, well this is an interesting twist. While the start suggested something a lot more laid back, now it seems that isn't necessarily the case and we see a character that seems to be embarking on some sort of journey and said journey doesn't appear to be easy by any means whatsoever. It now creates a nice sense of extra intrigue here and does capture the attention of our readers here fairly solidly I think.

I find a path at the edge of the town, and start walking. All I have is my suitcase, money, and my dad's pistol which I didn't have the faintest idea of how to use. But this was Mexico, most people didn't know how to use a gun, or so I heard. I was still worried about this group, The Foxes, and wasn't sure what I would do if I met up with them.

Gusto's words ring in my head.

Senorita, one more thing. There is a group called the Foxes. Stay away from them all. And if you do see them, it is likely to be the last thing you ever do.


OOoh, now that is most definitely a lovely way to end this bit. There's a nice sense of general suspense from the introduction alone, but now with this particular warning that echoes through to end the piece, it really heightens the idea of what is just about to happen and on the whole creates a pretty neat little scene here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon May 31, 2010 2:31 am
Lava wrote a review...



Hello Kaywiia!

Well, I just read the previous two chapters.
And before I start onto this one, I must say the first chapter could do with some work. This chapter and the previous seem better written as against the first. That's just my view, anyway.
So, this is a very short chapter. You could add more description and detailing to make it better. Try showing us emotion, the place around and how she feels about things around her or about her past.
And, you talk about The Foxes a lot which implies that she is going to meet them. I would suggest you to put it in more subtly. Add more emotions and a fragment of her thoughts when she's in the twilight zone between the dream and awakening. It would help in bringing out The Foxes slowly. Your MC could do with some development. Right now, it looks like she's an angsty teen who's taken a dramatic step.

Anyway, keep writing.
Cheers,
~Lava





What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
— Albert Pines