Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I truly did love him, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to tell him.

He had slowly made his way into my heart.

He was my best friend, my next door neighbor, the boy who mowed our lawn, but most of all he was the love of my life.

My first love and you know what they say you never forget your first.

He was my one but me being me let love go by. There he stood pouring his heart out to me on our front lawn, and how did I react you ask? Yeah I did what any normal lovesick puppy would do. I turned the sprinklers on him, yeah I'm quite the charmer.

There are many love stories out there most are way cliché. You have Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, and Jack and rose. What do they have in common? The endings suck! Well they are love stories nonetheless. So without further ado here's me, Fay and this is my story. Call it a story of love, a story of torture, a story of pure gloominess, call it what you will I don't care point is it's mine. Anyway here's where it all began.

Hmm....well this is interesting, at least on first glance. Before I get into all of that though, I have to first say that maybe this isn't the best of choices when it comes to a prologue. This part that you have here reads far more like the first bit of a first chapter than anything else and it honestly doesn't really work out too much as a prologue, especially because a passage like this needs to be in the chapter itself, or at least in some sort of foreward or note to readers rather than a prologue which is more like a scene of sorts than anything else.

Besides that, I love the concept that you seem to be going for here. Love stories are something you see a lot of out there and the sort of promise that this one is not going to be quite so typical and is likely going to have a bit of a tragic ending based on a very interesting circumstance makes this is a pretty cool idea. Its not quite unique per see, I have seen other stories do the same but this is a bit of a departure from the cliche and an attempt to make things a bit more unique so I do like that. Overall, I believe this is a pretty fun idea here...and I'd certainly take a second look at a book like this here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

What I like about this is the use of ''Him'' in the opening sentence. No name, but something more personal. The issue I have with it is this :

So without further ado here's me, Fay and this is my story.

It reminds me of a speach or an essay not a story; no offence, just seemed a little out of place to me. Try a few different ways of trying to express that point and you may come out with a solid prologue
Welldone, I look forward to more!

Your prologue is okay, but it doesn't really pull me, as the reader, in. It's missing the vital 'pizazz'. Besides that, I have some nit-picks.

You are missing a lot of commas.

My first love #00FF40 ">, and you know what they say #00FF40 ">, you never forget your first.

In the 5th paragraph, you have some extra sentences and words that you don't need. When you say:

There he stood pouring his heart out to me on our front lawn, and how did I react #BF0000 ">you ask?

The 'you ask' part just makes the sentence seem childish. Also, you can get rid of the 'yeah'in the next sentence.

I just have one more thing to say in this paragraph. When you say

I turned the sprinklers on him#BF0000 ">, yeah I'm quite the charmer.

You can get rid of the comma and 'yeah', replacing them with "'cause".

In the next paragraph, two sentences have caught my attention.

Well#00FF40 ">, they are love stories nonetheless. So without further ado here's me, Fay#00FF40 ">, and this is my story.

I haven't read the next chapter yet, but I think this could going somewhere!

Good luck!