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The Corlian Chronicles (Prologue)

by Riveneye


I've already finished the manuscript I'm just in the rewriting stage so critque is very helpful write now. I'm putting up the prologue now and I'll see if I can put up the nice long chapter one. :) At this moment with the prologue my biggest concern is that it's too short. The other problem I have is that I've found when I make a post in the forum I can't indent.

Prologue

Off in a distant world a creature was scurrying through a castle. Just like some Igor to do his masters bidding. This creature was an org. his name was Burluw, Burluw Mcgloth. His mother had been an orc and his father and ogre. This led to the crossbreed of org, like him. He was about five six, and like most orgs he was no lightweight.Yep, he was just like every other org.

But despite his fat body, he was running as fast as he could, in his overly small white lab coat. His position was the head of science experiments and special operations department. They had just finished the project. But if he didn’t get to the throne room before the deadline, which ended in two minutes, he literally would not live it down.

Burluw pushed open the door into the throne room with several seconds left. “The project….is finished……. King Malcus.” He addressed a man in a chair, while breathing heavily. The man had a short brown beard and hair. He also wore a long black robe. “Good” the king said, flashing one of his rare but dangerous smiles.

To him the creatures in his domain were merely pawns. If a few died here and there it didn’t matter. He could just conjure more. All of his creatures knew this and that’s why they feared him. With a simple flick of his wrist they could all disappear forever.

“Oh, Burluw is it” Malcus said, as Burluw turned to leave the room. “I’m sorry to say you watch is three seconds late.” Burluw gasped as a glowing dagger emerged from his chest. Then he collapsed into nothingness. “Time to begin Operation Destroy Soriku” he cackled.


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Fri Jan 21, 2022 5:00 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Off in a distant world a creature was scurrying through a castle. Just like some Igor to do his masters bidding. This creature was an org. his name was Burluw, Burluw Mcgloth. His mother had been an orc and his father and ogre. This led to the crossbreed of org, like him. He was about five six, and like most orgs he was no lightweight.Yep, he was just like every other org.

But despite his fat body, he was running as fast as he could, in his overly small white lab coat. His position was the head of science experiments and special operations department. They had just finished the project. But if he didn’t get to the throne room before the deadline, which ended in two minutes, he literally would not live it down.


Well, this is a mildly exciting start that we have right here. On one hand, it seems like its not necessarily that big of a rush, or at least the general vibe doesn't quite work as well as it should. I think despite the tense action sort of opening you seem to be aiming for here, you don't create the pacing that such a start requires and as such it ends up sounding a little bit looser than that and things are decidedly more relaxed. On the other hand, there is a faint touch of mystery that we have here, so on the whole this opening is still a fairly successful one.

Burluw pushed open the door into the throne room with several seconds left. “The project….is finished……. King Malcus.” He addressed a man in a chair, while breathing heavily. The man had a short brown beard and hair. He also wore a long black robe. “Good” the king said, flashing one of his rare but dangerous smiles.

To him the creatures in his domain were merely pawns. If a few died here and there it didn’t matter. He could just conjure more. All of his creatures knew this and that’s why they feared him. With a simple flick of his wrist they could all disappear forever.

“Oh, Burluw is it” Malcus said, as Burluw turned to leave the room. “I’m sorry to say you watch is three seconds late.” Burluw gasped as a glowing dagger emerged from his chest. Then he collapsed into nothingness. “Time to begin Operation Destroy Soriku” he cackled.


Okay...well I don't quite know how to feel about that particular development. The villain that we appear to be facing here just exercised a rather cliche moment there by killing off a henchmen due to some random rather trivial and it doesn't inspire too much confidence because the villain then proceeds to appear more cartoonish than anything else. Overall, we then have a kind of mixed prologue. The opening was a bit decent but the ending there suggests this is set to be a bit too predictable here. I think you need to look at introducing a bit more of a unique swing to things here or perhaps making this villain someone we can take a little more seriously and doesn't sound nearly as cartoony.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Thu May 27, 2010 6:39 pm
Riveneye says...



Yes your right this could defintely have more imagery and the scenes as I noticed now are very rushed. Guess that'll be my first thing to work on. I was going to make this into a novel. I just couldn't figure out how for a moment. It's now in the novel section.




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Thu May 27, 2010 5:00 pm
AquaMarine wrote a review...



Hi there!

Firstly, if you are planning on posting more of this, why don't you turn it into a novel on YWS? Take a look at your prologue, and there should be a blue box in the upper right hand corner with instructions on how to create your novel. If you do this, then members will be able to find your novel here!

And now, on with the review.

Off in a distant world a creature was scurrying through a castle. Just like some Igor to do his masters bidding.


Firstly, this opening didn't really capture me. It felt a little ... hurried. The idea of something scurrying through a castle is intriguing, if a little unoriginal, but I feel you could at least expand it a little bit more. Capture the reader's attention in the first line and then they'll read it - which is what you want, right? :wink: Also, the two sentences here could be joined into one to make the flow better.

His mother had been an orc and his father and ogre. This led to the crossbreed of org, like him. He was about five six, and like most orgs he was no lightweight.Yep, he was just like every other org.


I feel like this should have more significance somehow. How is he just like every other Org? Again, it feels hurried with no real thought put into it. You said you were worried that your prologue was too short - why not expand and fill in gaps you're leaving?

But if he didn’t get to the throne room before the deadline, which ended in two minutes, he literally would not live it down.


'literally not live it down' is an odd phrase to use. Maybe something a little less convoluted and more ominous would do the trick? :)

The man had a short brown beard and hair. He also wore a long black robe.


Your descriptions are quite obtuse, and I think you could make use of some imagery here. If you want people to get a good feel of your character, then make an impact with the description.

"Oh, Burluw is it” Malcus said, as Burluw turned to leave the room. “I’m sorry to say you watch is three seconds late.” Burluw gasped as a glowing dagger emerged from his chest. Then he collapsed into nothingness. “Time to begin Operation Destroy Soriku” he cackled.


This feels like it's supposed to be quite portentous, but it's written in quite a rushed way so I'm not really getting a sense of the evil that I'm supposed to be getting from the King. As I said, add in some better description, and perhaps some suspense to this, and it'll be better.

Okay, so you need to work on your description and pace. You hurry it along, which means that you leave out some description which would really add to the reader's experience of your story.

Hope this helps!

-Amy





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