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new story - no title

by Aquareed


Prologue

Bronwyn

Is this how it is meant to end? A lonely death, entombed beneath the earth, without knowing whether I am a meter below the ground or a kilometre. Not knowing what happened, whether Miette or Wren survived. Everett will be alright. He always is. He told me he would look after them, but how often had he broken promises? I’ve lost count. In the end, Everett will do what’s best for Everett, and as every second goes by, I’m surer that I will never see Miette again. I led her into this, promised to protect her. I failed. That knowledge is the most painful, failure.

I pretend to watch my breath mist on the glass case. It is perfect darkness, so opening my eyes makes no difference. I know the case is glass because I can feel the smoothness of it under my fingertips. I’m sure I could break it if I needed to, but without knowing how far underground I am, I daren’t. The earth would crush me, I’m sure of it, it would fill my screaming mouth, choking any sound out of my throat, suffocating, compressing – No. I am making myself sick with fear. This has always been my greatest nightmare, being buried underground. I must stay calm. Fear makes my heart beat faster, which drives my breaths quicker. I do not move, which will also make me breathe quicker. But it is so hard. I do not know how long I have been in here. I woke up here, which means I must have been asleep in here. Simple logic. I don’t know how long I was asleep, so I cannot guess to how much precious oxygen I have left. Already, it is becoming harder and harder to breathe. I try not to cry, but the tears spill out in my eyes trickle horizontally, into my filthy hair. I could never control my emotions. That is the one thing Everett could not teach me. My anger, my grief gives me strength. My fear was my most valuable weapon alerting me of when to flee. I never thought of a situation in which I could not flee. Not I, the star runner in my school.

As I lie here and to distract myself of being sick, I think about the events that led me here. What was the turning point, I think. Maybe the battle. Maybe making the decision to leave Wren there, something I am glad of now. If Wren had fled with me, she would be lying under the ground as well. Perhaps when I met Faro, by the lake. Maybe when I decided to go with Everett, to leave Miette. But I would not have met Everett if I had not followed Miette that night. I think I need to tell my story. It seems right, as it will be the last thing that I tell. So I will start the night I followed Miette, the night my world was turned upside down. The night of the disco.

Chapter 1

Miette

“Mimi! Mimi, you have got to come! Seriously, it’s hilarious, when Alisha – Mimi?” I turned my face away as Wyn sat down beside me. She knew my face too well, she would guess in an instant.

“Miette, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I sniffed, and concentrated on keeping my face composed. Breathe slowly. After a few seconds, I turned to look at my best friend, Bronwyn Rivera Campbell. She was shorter than me, slender, with a small face turned upwards like a daisy facing the sun. Her eyes were very large, black and coquettish. Her hair was short, the dark, silken fronds nestling in the hollow of her slim neck. Her lips were small and full, forever pouting and shining with lip-gloss. Her usually ice-white skin was flushed from dancing. As different from me as possible. I thought, my long wheat-coloured hair falling into my lap.

All I've got so far4. Please comment XD


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Tue Jan 25, 2022 6:54 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayyy...so this was actually a pretty solid start here until that one point towards the end. Its definitely incomplete but what you have here so far seems promising and interesting enough that one does find themselves wanting to read more here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Is this how it is meant to end? A lonely death, entombed beneath the earth, without knowing whether I am a meter below the ground or a kilometre. Not knowing what happened, whether Miette or Wren survived. Everett will be alright. He always is. He told me he would look after them, but how often had he broken promises? I’ve lost count. In the end, Everett will do what’s best for Everett, and as every second goes by, I’m surer that I will never see Miette again. I led her into this, promised to protect her. I failed. That knowledge is the most painful, failure.

I pretend to watch my breath mist on the glass case. It is perfect darkness, so opening my eyes makes no difference. I know the case is glass because I can feel the smoothness of it under my fingertips. I’m sure I could break it if I needed to, but without knowing how far underground I am, I daren’t. The earth would crush me, I’m sure of it, it would fill my screaming mouth, choking any sound out of my throat, suffocating, compressing – No. I am making myself sick with fear. This has always been my greatest nightmare, being buried underground. I must stay calm. Fear makes my heart beat faster, which drives my breaths quicker. I do not move, which will also make me breathe quicker. But it is so hard. I do not know how long I have been in here. I woke up here, which means I must have been asleep in here. Simple logic. I don’t know how long I was asleep, so I cannot guess to how much precious oxygen I have left. Already, it is becoming harder and harder to breathe. I try not to cry, but the tears spill out in my eyes trickle horizontally, into my filthy hair. I could never control my emotions. That is the one thing Everett could not teach me. My anger, my grief gives me strength. My fear was my most valuable weapon alerting me of when to flee. I never thought of a situation in which I could not flee. Not I, the star runner in my school.


This is a really powerful opening sequence right here wow. The steady buildup of the emotions within this person as you reveal more and more of this setting is just really nicely captured. I love how these thoughts extend towards what I assume is their friends and family..and just the way you develop this slow fear starting to crawl over them as what is clearly a fear for their own life slowly takes over their mind.

As I lie here and to distract myself of being sick, I think about the events that led me here. What was the turning point, I think. Maybe the battle. Maybe making the decision to leave Wren there, something I am glad of now. If Wren had fled with me, she would be lying under the ground as well. Perhaps when I met Faro, by the lake. Maybe when I decided to go with Everett, to leave Miette. But I would not have met Everett if I had not followed Miette that night. I think I need to tell my story. It seems right, as it will be the last thing that I tell. So I will start the night I followed Miette, the night my world was turned upside down. The night of the disco.


Ooooh, now that does seem like a wonderful bit of setup there and honestly, the way I see it, this could work very well tagged onto the beginning of the first chapter. It really doesn't need to be stuck here in a prologue, it still works as one, but it would work far better at the start of the first chapter I feel, as a sort of statement before things actually get underway.

“Mimi! Mimi, you have got to come! Seriously, it’s hilarious, when Alisha – Mimi?” I turned my face away as Wyn sat down beside me. She knew my face too well, she would guess in an instant.

“Miette, what’s wrong?”


Well, we're starting off with a clear sign of something having gone wrong here. Its a solid place to start, as the reader you are instantly drawn into see why someone would be in such a situation.

“Nothing.” I sniffed, and concentrated on keeping my face composed. Breathe slowly. After a few seconds, I turned to look at my best friend, Bronwyn Rivera Campbell. She was shorter than me, slender, with a small face turned upwards like a daisy facing the sun. Her eyes were very large, black and coquettish. Her hair was short, the dark, silken fronds nestling in the hollow of her slim neck. Her lips were small and full, forever pouting and shining with lip-gloss. Her usually ice-white skin was flushed from dancing. As different from me as possible. I thought, my long wheat-coloured hair falling into my lap.


Well...that one severely broke the flow here, I have to say....the emotions were really building up nicely and then you went a little too deep with the description. Adding some description here isn't a bad idea, and it can in fact even prove helpful but this is a bit too much detail and it takes away from the emotion being built there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is a solid start and a pretty good premise. There was only that issue I could spot for the moment, but besides I'd certainly loved to read more of what's to come in this piece. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue May 25, 2010 11:55 am
ladyKixRox wrote a review...



That was just Exquisite! I can literally read all of the thought you put into that. I find British Styled writing so amazing! I mean the things that are done with the English language. Brava Brava! You Kept the interest in me. You described everything just right. A person in a buried alive,appeals to me(Gosh i'm a freak i know)! But Overall,You definitely need to write more!I must know what happens in this exciting story and where else you derive your inspiration from "Doctor Who" Got to love the Doctor!

~Lady Kix




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Sun May 23, 2010 10:37 pm
dogs wrote a review...



Whoa nizice! Dogs here and I really enjoyed your story. It has an incredibly strong beginning and my favorite style of a prologue. I also liked the discription of some things. And yes ziggiefred really likes it when you space it. lol drives him nuts. There is really nothing much i can say to this because it sounds so good. Soo keep writing and let me read more!


~Dogs : :smt032




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Sun May 23, 2010 8:09 pm
Aquareed says...



Thanks! That was really helpful :pirate3:




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Sun May 23, 2010 4:02 pm
ziggiefred wrote a review...



Hi there aquareed
I thought I would do the honours :)
So, you seem to have something good here. The idea is promising, nothing new or different but it can keep me glued until the end. I liked the fact that you proofread your piece because I did not spot any errors.
The problems I had:
-Your paragraphs, I think you should space them a bit more because the second one just has a huge chunk of words. And I noticed that you can split it a bit.
-The way you quote your characters is not proper. You should quote someone talking and then leave a space immediately after quoting so that it can be neat. For example,

“Mimi! Mimi, you have got to come! Seriously, it’s hilarious, when Alisha – Mimi?” I turned my face away as Wyn sat down beside me. She knew my face too well, she would guess in an instant.
“Miette, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I sniffed, and concentrated on keeping my face composed. Breathe slowly. After a few seconds, I turned to look at my best friend, Bronwyn Rivera Campbell.

Should instead be like this,

“Mimi! Mimi, you have got to come! Seriously, it’s hilarious, when Alisha – Mimi?”

I turned my face away as Wyn sat down beside me. She knew my face too well, she would guess in an instant.

“Miette, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

I sniffed, and concentrated on keeping my face composed. Breathe slowly. After a few seconds, I turned to look at my best friend, Bronwyn Rivera Campbell.

Something like that.

-And then on the first chapter, I like the fact that you try and describe your character, but your description was a bit too hasty. It was as if you were describing a criminal at the police station (maybe it's just me). Maybe try to describe your character in such a way that you involve the reader or communicate to the readera bit more. For example,

She was shorter than me, slender, with a small face turned upwards like a daisy facing the sun. Her eyes were very large, black and coquettish. Her hair was short, the dark, silken fronds nestling in the hollow of her slim neck.


You could write it like this,
She was shorter than me, slender, with a small face turned upwards like a daisy facing the sun;this feature seemed very appealing to everyone she met, especially the boys. Her eyes were very large, black and coquettish;they were hard to avoid so I admired them as they glistened in the light. and then tell a little story here about something related to the subject. She waved her short hair as usual, the dark, silken fronds nestling in the hollow of her slim neck.

You know, something like that.
I hope I helped hey. Continue writing, you have a great story line going.





I wondered why we put villains in our stories when we have plenty of them in real life; then I realized that maybe we wanted stories where the good guy wins.
— nogutsnoglory