Young Writers Society

Wow! This was such a good short story. I absolutely loved it. The ending was so great and totally unexpected. I thought the main character was past the danger zone when they got to the attic, and they would find nothing there, so the ending shocked me and scared me a little bit.
What I loved most about this piece was the way you let the reader into the story. I felt like I was walking alongside the main character through all the action. The descriptions were so crisp and clean, and it was so easy to visualize inside of my head. I especially loved all the imagery and similes you used. For example “quiet as a mouse” or “a creak like the screeching of nails along a blackboard” were very effective similes that helped me imagine the world of the main character and helped me step inside their shoes. You included so many specific details about the setting, too, such as “the jet black night” and the “miniature wooden piano”, that helped me visualize the setting and feel like I was really there. One detail that I particularly loved was when you described how the main character had a “sharp bolt of pain” in their leg when they started running. That’s such a small detail, that would be easy to overlook or forget when writing, but it really makes the story seem so much more realistic, since feeling pain when you sprint is really common.
Overall, this piece was really good and I want to read more! It felt very much like a scene from a horror movie, and I kind of expected an ominous orchestra to start playing when I started reading. By the way, there’s a name for really short stories- they’re called flash fiction, and I think your story is an excellent example of well done flash fiction. It’s very short, but every sentence is meaningful and impactful to the story.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I woke up with a start and looked around. Shaking my head, I laughed at how paranoid I was getting. I rolled back over and closed my eyes. As I was about to slip back into the simple world of dreams of rainbow candy and snowy, white clouds, I heard a creak like the screeching of nails along a blackboard. I started, and covered my mouth to stifle a scream. I took a deep breath and then slipped out of bed. Pulling on a robe, I let myself out into the ice cold corridor. I walked towards the stairs and gazed down. Seeing nothing except the jet black night that filled the hallway, I took a cautious step towards the first step. I began to make my way down, quiet as a mouse.

A loud crack came as I stepped on the next step, followed by a shout from downstairs. Spinning around, I broke into a run back up the winding, never ending staircase. I let out a gasp as a sharp bolt of pain moved through my leg like a flash of lightning. Glancing down, I saw my miniature wooden piano and shoved it aside I dashed through the hall to the next flight of stairs and sprinted up them. I crept into the attic and closed the door with a soft thud. Letting out a sigh of relief, I slid to the floor. Scarcely daring to breathe, I opened the attic door and looked out. Not seeing anyone, I stepped out of the attic and began to walk down the stairs. Almost at the bottom, I heard a thud and let out a gasp. I let out an earsplitting scream that shattered the silence of the house as I whirled around to face a man with torn clothing, a long beard and a heathens grin on his face.

Hey! Forever here with a review!!

Well, this was an incomplete short story and I didn't understand what to make of it. To me, it felt like a scene rather than a short story.

What I really liked about the story is the descriptions and how your portryed the thoughts of the character. We got a good view into the character's brain and the setting too. There's only one thing which I would like to know. Ehat month was it? Like the narrator says that it was icy-cold and when they said that, I had a sudden urge to know when the story was exactly set. Also, were the lights on or off?

Talking about the first sentence, it seems to be okay but not the best. I guess it would have been much better if you had started with that sound coming from downstairs. It just feels a bit better then. It's totally upto you though.

And now to my understanding of the story. In short, I didn't understand the story. Like someone entered the narrator's house or rather let's say broke into the narrator's house and then the narrator got afraid and went upstairs. They got scared and let out a scream of fear. Eh maybe the person was a thief or something but I would really appreciate clarifications on this part.

You could edit the story and make it a lot longer than it is at the moment. Give us with a complete plot and the identity of the intruder. Also a reason behind why the narrator was so very afraid.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever

Its a good story, but very hard to read.
With few paragraphs I don't feel like im reading a story rather a article.
Try putting some paragraphs in there to make it easier to read.

Nicely written. I like how you describe the feelings of what the character sees and thinks. The description was very well done and well worded. I saw it very clearly in my mind. Very good work.

I think that here, your biggest problem is redundancy, and cliches. I'm sure with such good reviews it will be shaped up in no time, and you obviously have talent. I would list a few things here, but pretty much all of them have been addressed.
Good luck,
Sela

It's good.

I think it'd be better if you had posted it in two paragraphs though. It's much easier to read that way.

Yours truly,
Memento Mori

nickelpickle wrote:I woke up with a start and looked around. Shaking my head, I laughed at how paranoid I was getting. I rolled back over and closed my eyes. As I was about to slip back into the simple world of dreams of rainbow candy and snowy, white clouds, I heard a creak like the screeching of nails along a blackboard. I started, and covered my mouth to stifle a scream. I took a deep breath and then slipped out of bed. Pulling on a robe, I let myself out into the ice cold corridor. I walked towards the stairs and gazed down. Seeing nothing except the jet black night that filled the hallway, I took a cautious step towards the first step. I began to make my way down, quiet as a mouse.
A loud crack came as I stepped on the next step, followed by a shout from downstairs. Spinning around, I broke into a run back up the winding, never ending staircase. I let out a gasp as a sharp bolt of pain moved through my leg like a flash of lightning. Glancing down, I saw my miniature wooden piano and shoved it aside I dashed through the hall to the next flight of stairs and sprinted up them. I crept into the attic and closed the door with a soft thud. Letting out a sigh of relief, I slid to the floor. Scarcely daring to breathe, I opened the attic door and looked out. Not seeing anyone, I stepped out of the attic and began to walk down the stairs. Almost at the bottom, I heard a thud and let out a gasp. I let out an earsplitting scream that shattered the silence of the house as I whirled around to face a man with torn clothing, a long beard and a heathens grin on his face.

I think it's brilliant! Only the "quiet as a mouse" is a bit old. Other than that, Iwannareadmore!

Well, first off, it'd be nice for some more spacing.

This is a pretty good beginning, and it is decently attention-grabbing. You have a good way of building up suspense. The little details were neat, also. The whole thing was a little short for my taste, but I assume you're going to continue. I'll keep reading, and see where you're going with this.

Write on.

AHHHHHHH!!!!! awesome.

I thought it was good and if there is more I look forward to reading it. Definitly need to check out a thesaurus now and then but overall good. If there isn't going to be a continuation of this than why bothering typing that at all.

Well, it's definately interesting, but it sounds more like a list than a story. It's like, "I did this, then I did that, then I did this..." if you know what I mean. That's all the crit I have!

This moves pretty quickly, and gets the reader interested in what's going to happen. Since there really isn't much to review, and as others have covered most of what I'd like to say, my main advice is to stay away from cliches like "quiet as a mouse" and "earsplitting scream." Good luck finishing the story!

-Sarah

Not a bad start.... There's a lot of things you could do with this. I think the pacing is off though. It moves too fast. I'm curious though, who is the main character and why does a creak send him into a panic? Did he already suspect someone was after him? And who is the man with torn clothing? I hope this helps and isn't too harsh.

nickelpickle wrote:I woke up with a start and looked around. Shaking my head, I laughed at how paranoid I was getting.

I rolled back over and closed my eyes. As I was about to slip back into the simple world of dreams of rainbow candy and snowy, white clouds, I heard a creak like the screeching of nails along a blackboard.

I started, and covered my mouth to stifle a scream.

Seeing nothing except the jet black night that filled the hallway, I took a cautious step towards the first step.

I began to make my way down, quiet as a mouse.

Spinning around, I broke into a run back up the winding, never ending staircase.

Glancing down, I saw my miniature wooden piano and shoved it aside I dashed through the hall to the next flight of stairs and sprinted up them.

I crept into the attic and closed the door with a soft thud. Letting out a sigh of relief, I slid to the floor. Scarcely daring to breathe, I opened the attic door and looked out. Not seeing anyone, I stepped out of the attic and began to walk down the stairs. Almost at the bottom, I heard a thud and let out a gasp.

I let out an earsplitting scream that shattered the silence of the house as I whirled around to face a man with torn clothing, a long beard and a heathens grin on his face.

Talk about redundancy. I don't think this pulled off the effect you wanted it to, or otherwise you didn't want a very good one. I'm just going to say that I wholeheartedly agree with what the other members have said with the criticisms. I think this does need to be expanded on and certainly needs more in depth analysis of character and plot sequence.

I do think a little more depth and description would be in order here! I'm being hypocritical, though...I don't write about tense situations like this very well, ya know? The last line, about the heathens grin I think should be changed to like 'devilish'. It means the same thing, just sounds less clunky.

The one major thing I notyiced that no one has mentioned is that when the character reaches the top of the stairs...he(she) runs right back down. I think you may want to insert a paragraph of the main character weaiting and listening, because their actions seem really strange right now...

Overall, I really like it. But, I agree that it lacks depth. The way you're describing it makes this event seem like something out of a dream for me. I'm guessing that's not what you're going for. I'm also very curious of the gender of the narrator. Very intriquing. I beg you, please continue.

i agree that you need some more variation in your word use. and that there needs to be more. i feel like i can't really judge till i see more.

Okay, here goes....

I woke up with a start and looked around. Shaking my head, I laughed at how paranoid I was getting. I rolled back over and closed my eyes. As I was about to slip back into the simple world of dreams of rainbow candy and snowy, white clouds, I heard a creak like the screeching of nails along a blackboard.

I took a deep breath and then slipped out of bed. Pulling on a robe, I let myself out into the ice cold corridor. I walked towards the stairs and gazed down. Seeing nothing except the jet black night that filled the hallway, I took a cautious step towards the first step. I began to make my way down, quiet as a mouse.

A loud crack came as I stepped on the next step, followed by a shout from downstairs.

I let out a gasp as a sharp bolt of pain moved through my leg like a flash of lightning.

Glancing down, I saw my miniature wooden piano and shoved it aside I dashed through the hall to the next flight of stairs and sprinted up them.

Scarcely daring to breathe, I opened the attic door and looked out.

Not seeing anyone, I stepped out of the attic and began to walk down the stairs. Almost at the bottom, I heard a thud and let out a gasp.

many thx for the comments...the only problem is...i havent decided what happens, so i cant write more...

nikki

its.... interesting, to say the least.

there needs to be a bit more depth here. i dont think there is enough there to say anything about it. there really isnt a story, just a happening, that happens to be wirtten down. im left with too many questions; who is this guy, what happened to his leg, who's this guy in his house, where does he live, is there anyone else in the house?

write some more, and then we can give you some good honest opinion.