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the air bag who fell

by jorgeandrade


the air bag was obese and no one wanted to hug or they will be squashed and then hell lose his balance and fall on them. the air bag was walking along a giant forest all the animals laughed at him. he fell on a pile of turd. then turd slapped him. he was sad so he ran away and fell again. he use to be the air bag of a car but he squashed the car with his weight so the car got angry and told him to jog on. well when did jog he erupted the earth. he met a female air bag she liked him a lot but she kissed him suddenly she turned obese and was floating on the air and fell. the air bag started crying everything never went his way. then afterwards he saw a fast food shop he entered to buy food. he bought the food with a tray then was devastated when the food ran away.


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Wed Jan 26, 2022 6:13 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

the air bag was obese and no one wanted to hug or they will be squashed and then hell lose his balance and fall on them. the air bag was walking along a giant forest all the animals laughed at him. he fell on a pile of turd. then turd slapped him. he was sad so he ran away and fell again. he use to be the air bag of a car but he squashed the car with his weight so the car got angry and told him to jog on. well when did jog he erupted the earth. he met a female air bag she liked him a lot but she kissed him suddenly she turned obese and was floating on the air and fell. the air bag started crying everything never went his way. then afterwards he saw a fast food shop he entered to buy food. he bought the food with a tray then was devastated when the food ran away.


Okayyy...so surprisingly enough, this seems to be a fully story right here in this rather short paragraph. It doesn't really read like a first chapter or a prologue or even some sort of plot summary, but rather there is a distinct feeling that what we have here is in fact the entire story...although it can also maybe be a bit of a synopsis.

Moving past that one here to this situation itself. It is an interesting idea I think. We're being told this whole thing from the point of view of an air bag, which I'm not certain if you're referring to the inanimate object if this is something you've created but either way it seems quite unique since I've personally never run into anything quite like it. The idea also seems to highlight this person being a bit obese and how it somehow manifests into some sort of magical situation where everything goes wrong. Its an interesting idea there, and I think it could really be quite something, and perhaps even something more towards the humor side given how extreme some of these situations appear to be, but at the moment while the premise is great, this paragraph itself is far too compressed to have all of this going on and there is a plethora of grammar issues so a second look here seems like a good idea.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri May 14, 2010 8:44 pm
sarebear wrote a review...



At the risk of sounding like a jerk, this shouldn't be on the site right now. Before publishing, you need to:

1. Capitalize
2. Punctuate properly
3. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE WRITING!

I think you need to go back and take some time on this. It reads poorly and is sloppy. You need to show that you put some effort into this. Right now I'm not so sure. I agree with EliteHusky that this NEEDS IMPROVEMENT.

Sorry to be harsh.

Sarebear

Sorry to be harsh




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Fri May 14, 2010 8:35 pm
EliteHusky wrote a review...



I will not criticize this piece on content, I have no right to. Whatever the subject matter is it is YOUR freedom of expression. I gave this a "Needs Improvement" rating because you simply ignored a lot of set standards for writing. Standards which include capitalization after a period, and using the past tense. You're very creative I'll credit you with that much, but as a literary piece this needs to be revamped to add some interesting appeal.

Peace,
-Elitehusky





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