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Killer Mask [0.00]

by RedRaven


0.00

Perfection is described by the dictionary as the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.

In my eyes, perfection is just that. The need and yearning to be perfect. If I’m not perfect, than what am I?

Every time the scale spits out another number, I either jump for joy or buckle underneath the pressuring voices in my head.

If you didn’t eat that piece of cake/spoon of salsa/chicken wing, you wouldn’t have gained those extra pounds.

If the scale keeps giving me these ugly numbers, something will have to be done.


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Wed Jan 26, 2022 5:27 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Perfection is described by the dictionary as the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.

In my eyes, perfection is just that. The need and yearning to be perfect. If I’m not perfect, than what am I?

Every time the scale spits out another number, I either jump for joy or buckle underneath the pressuring voices in my head.

If you didn’t eat that piece of cake/spoon of salsa/chicken wing, you wouldn’t have gained those extra pounds.

If the scale keeps giving me these ugly numbers, something will have to be done.


Okayyy...not entirely sure where this one is going to be honest. At first glance it reads like a bit of an incomplete chapter one since there's a distinct sense of a bit of an introductory bit going on there, but then there's also this odd extra sense here with it maybe being something of a prologue, and considering its not named either, it makes for quite the conundrum there.

Moving on from that situation and onto the actual story we have here, it once again is perhaps not as clear as it should be. There is a sense of someone sort of aiming for this sort of perfection in their and this perfection seems to be something very important to the point of maybe being a bit harmful. The point where things got wonky is immediately after that because right after it sort of introduces that idea to us and build this premise, it abruptly ends...and then we're just sort of left wondering what exactly just happened there. I think a little bit of thought needs to be going into that one there just to see where you'd want the story to go and to flesh it out just a tad bit more.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Jun 20, 2010 3:56 am
Jas says...



Very nice :)




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Sun May 09, 2010 9:54 pm
AdventureMonkey wrote a review...



I agree with Elinor, in that I see this as being perfect for a back cover summary. The title intrigues me, and reading this summary/prologue/exert makes me even more intrigued. It makes me really want to read the novel.

I'm looking forward to more!




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Sun May 09, 2010 3:09 am
KitxKat wrote a review...



RedRaven wrote:0.00
Perfection is described by the dictionary as the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.
In my eyes, perfection is just that. The need and yearning to be perfect. If I’m not perfect, than what am I?
Every time the scale spits out another number, I either jump for joy or buckle underneath the pressuring voices in my head.
If you didn’t eat that piece of cake/spoon of salsa/chicken wing, you wouldn’t have gained those extra pounds.
If the scale keeps giving me these ugly numbers, something will have to be done.


So, That was short. Is this just and exert or what? Because, it was really good. The only problem I found with it was the first sentence. The dictionary thing is a tiny bit cliched, and it didn't really catch me. Sorry




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Sun May 09, 2010 12:24 am
Elinor wrote a review...



Hi!

Interesting. Is this supposed to be a prologue of sorts? It's very short and I don't know exactly how I critique this by itself. We're given no introduction to characters and no information that we need to know right away. All we're told is that you have a main character who struggles with weight. This could easily be incorporated into another part of the story.

You know what I kind of see this as? One of those summary/quote things that always appear on the back of books. I do like the way it was written, but I don't think you need to devote a whole part to this story. What you should do is slowly bring this out over the first couple of chapters. Give us only the information we need to know at the very beginning [for instance, her name and where she lives]. Then you can go on to explain her weight issues and how she feels guilty about it, and dive into her reactions when she sees her weight numbers on the scale slowly increase.

Basically? Don't feel like you have to tell us everything about a character or what the story will be about in a prologue. If you think of your character as a real person, when we meet them, we aren't going to know everything about them right off the bat. We meet them first; learn their name and appearance, then we learn more things about them. Keep this in mind whenever you introduce traits to your character.

Hope this helps, and good luck revising! PM me if you have any questions or whenever you post new parts. I'm curious to see where this leads.

-Elinor xo





If I feel physically as if the top of my head were taken off, I know that is poetry.
— Emily Dickinson