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Prochecy (proluge)

by jolene


This Is a new story I'm working on...I know itz short...but I hope you help me!! i know that it is shortbut most stories are

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I didn't know if I was going to live...or die. I am scared. I need my friends, and my savior. I never feared the darkness, I usually bathe in it. Not now, though.

Bound to a post, beaten up, bleeding profusely. Where is my savior?

I finally go under the bridge of unconsciousness...


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Wed Jan 26, 2022 10:24 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I didn't know if I was going to live...or die. I am scared. I need my friends, and my savior. I never feared the darkness, I usually bathe in it. Not now, though.

Bound to a post, beaten up, bleeding profusely. Where is my savior?

I finally go under the bridge of unconsciousness...


Okayy...well this is an interesting choice for a prologue. Before I get around to the actual content I'll start by saying that this doesn't really work for a prologue. Sometimes really short bits can indeed work for a prologue and I've run into a few of those before even on YWS, but this one is just a bit too vague and a bit all over the place and hence doesn't really work as a proper prologue.

Moving on past that and to the actual piece here, it seems like what we have is someone in a spot of distress from the looks of it and then said person manages to sort of succumb to it which is where we end. Now...that is interesting, it does make for a scene that gets your attention, the issue is that its a little too vague. It talks about someone losing consciousness and being in some distress but that could be just about anyone and without at least a little hint of something more, this just doesn't quite hit right. Too much detail isn't needed, in fact that could be a problem in its own right, but we need to see a bit more going down here for this to reach its full potential.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Jul 25, 2010 9:23 pm
Snoink wrote a review...



Hey jolene! :D

First of all, I don't think this is a prologue! A prologue is more like a chapter. What I think you want to know is if this is a good hook, or the very first lines of your story!

Anyway, I think you can be a lot more specific than this. Right now, this is a bit vague. What does she mean by darkness? What sort of savior is she talking about (religious, or something else)? Why is she bound to a post?

No, really, why is she bound to a post and beaten up? Answering that question is key, I think. It makes us wonder and us wondering is a good thing! Just don't be vague. ;)




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Sun Jul 25, 2010 9:07 pm
CardDragon wrote a review...



Well its not much of a prologue, it should be placed in the beginning of chapter one.
There is no telling what the story is going to be about, but it should be a good read.
If you should ever decide to make a prologue , make it at least a page long. :)
good luck.. :D




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Sat May 15, 2010 5:05 pm
Kaedee wrote a review...



Hey jolene, what's up? :) I'm KD, and I'll be your reviewer today!
Not bad. Here's a nitpick critique for you: Watch your tenses! You switched from past to present tenses in this one prologue already.
Second critique: This would be even better if you could give more clues about what's going on, to make the reader even more interested.
Besides that, I think you have a good start here. Good luck-

KD




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Sat May 15, 2010 10:28 am
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hey jolene!
I think its (not itZ haha) really short so there is not much to critique on actually. If you were to imagine this in a book, a prologue wouldn't be this short. So like Embee said add dialogue and description. Make this a really good prologue (not proluge)
I hope this helped, if you add more PM me and I'll be happy to read it. So keep writing, and for now,
BYE!
~Tamara




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Sat May 08, 2010 1:27 am
Embee wrote a review...



Hello! Yes, this is extremely short, but I think it's a good start. There isn't much here though to truly help you with. It's just a little blurb. Expand more on this, add details, dialog, etc. and then I'm sure I will be able to give you better advice.

Good luck!

Embee.





I say Wolf, for all wolves are not of the same sort; there is one kind with an amenable disposition – neither noisy, nor hateful, nor angry, but tame, obliging and gentle, following the young maids in the streets, even into their homes. Alas! Who does not know that these gentle wolves are of all such creatures the most dangerous!
— Charles Perrault