Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » General


An Angels Sanctuary

by babymagic18


“You know, you’ve still got time before you have to make your decision,” Mallor said. I turned my troubled eyes to look into his relaxed golden brown. It always amazed me that he could be so positive seeing as he had made the most difficult choice, the choice to stay in heaven for eternity instead of having a second life on earth. Even though I had been here for a good one hundred years already I still had not made my decision. I didn’t know how I could. I loved being able to spread my wings and take flight, not having to worry about responsibility for once.

But I still had to let gods messenger know what I planned on doing or I wouldn’t get the choice and I would be stuck here. The reason the whole thing was so difficult for me was that if I chose to stay I could become a guardian angel of whomever I felt needed my help most on earth. But if I went for a second life on earth an individual was chosen for me and there was no real say that I would even be that much help to them. “Reece, please don’t take much longer with your answer. I know this is difficult but if it helps I’ll tell you the reason I chose to stay,” Mallor said. He had a very faraway look in his eyes and for once I almost didn’t want to know. Then it hit me. I had a reason for actually staying and his name was one I felt awful for almost forgetting. Noah, oh sweet noah. When his time had come to make his choice he had not hesitated in having a second life. No matter how I had tried he longed for earth and that hurt so much. But know I could actually keep watch and see to it that his life turned out this time as he had dreamed it would.

I looked at Mallor with a beaming smile. He wouldn’t have to wait anymore. That felt good. “I take it that you have made your choice little one?” He asked. I wrapped my arms around his neck. I sure did. I opened my wings to take flight, this would be the best choice I had ever made compared to the worst I had made, the one that wound me up here in the first place. I ran then let the wind pick me up I was heading towards gods messenger with my answer.

Mallor watched her disappear from sight. He let a grin touch the corner of his mouth. Was that really all it took after all this time? One lie? Well, she didn’t have to know about it. Whistling he took off into the powder white clouds.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
3224 Reviews


Points: 339576
Reviews: 3224

Donate
Sat Jan 29, 2022 12:17 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

“You know, you’ve still got time before you have to make your decision,” Mallor said. I turned my troubled eyes to look into his relaxed golden brown. It always amazed me that he could be so positive seeing as he had made the most difficult choice, the choice to stay in heaven for eternity instead of having a second life on earth. Even though I had been here for a good one hundred years already I still had not made my decision. I didn’t know how I could. I loved being able to spread my wings and take flight, not having to worry about responsibility for once.


Well...this is an intriguing start. It is a teeny bit hard to judge where exactly this will take us readers with the fact that we're dealing with a bit of an eternity in heaven here. Usually stories of this nature start off with hell in some fashion, so this is certainly quite an interesting change as far as that's concerned. At any rate, I think you've done a great job of setting things up right here.

But I still had to let gods messenger know what I planned on doing or I wouldn’t get the choice and I would be stuck here. The reason the whole thing was so difficult for me was that if I chose to stay I could become a guardian angel of whomever I felt needed my help most on earth. But if I went for a second life on earth an individual was chosen for me and there was no real say that I would even be that much help to them. “Reece, please don’t take much longer with your answer. I know this is difficult but if it helps I’ll tell you the reason I chose to stay,” Mallor said. He had a very faraway look in his eyes and for once I almost didn’t want to know. Then it hit me. I had a reason for actually staying and his name was one I felt awful for almost forgetting. Noah, oh sweet noah. When his time had come to make his choice he had not hesitated in having a second life. No matter how I had tried he longed for earth and that hurt so much. But know I could actually keep watch and see to it that his life turned out this time as he had dreamed it would.


Hmm...well it seems like we have ourselves a rather interesting revelation happening kind of right off the bat here. That's definitely made things a bit more interesting by expanding on this little choice you've setup. Considering this is what seems to be the start of a story I have a feeling things won't be as rosy as this makes it out to be, but this is a wholesome moment here to start.

I looked at Mallor with a beaming smile. He wouldn’t have to wait anymore. That felt good. “I take it that you have made your choice little one?” He asked. I wrapped my arms around his neck. I sure did. I opened my wings to take flight, this would be the best choice I had ever made compared to the worst I had made, the one that wound me up here in the first place. I ran then let the wind pick me up I was heading towards gods messenger with my answer.

Mallor watched her disappear from sight. He let a grin touch the corner of his mouth. Was that really all it took after all this time? One lie? Well, she didn’t have to know about it. Whistling he took off into the powder white clouds.


Oooooh well, I suppose the potential surprises in this one gets started rather early here. I don't believe I was expecting that at all with how wholesome that opening was. Well, wow this is off to quite the start here. I can't wait to see where this may take us. I think you've managed to create a really interesting scene here to open on.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
763 Reviews


Points: 3888
Reviews: 763

Donate
Fri May 14, 2010 9:19 am
Lava wrote a review...



Hey BMagic!

Well, this short piece really interested me. I quite liked it on the whole. :)
Now for a few nitpicks.
Well, I noticed a lack of punctuation, mainly apostrophes. Do work on that. And I think the title should be "An Angel's Sanctuary."

I turned my troubled eyes to look into his relaxed golden brown.
Personally, I'm not a fan of this sentence. I would suggest something more like - His golden brown eyes were calm, in contrast to my troubled ones.
The reason the whole thing was so difficult for me was that if I chose to stay I could become a guardian angel of whomever I felt needed my help most on earth.
Instead of saying it this way, I would prefer if you showed her thoughts as to why it was difficult.
I sure did.
I would suggest you remove this. It somehow tarnishes the image of your MC, I've constructed in my head.
I ran, letting the wind pick me up I was heading towards God's messenger with my answer.

Was that really all it took after all this time? One lie?
I am very intrigued by this. Good job. :)

PM me if you post another chapter. I'd love to read more of it.
Cheers,
~Lava





Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
— Louis L'Amour