Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy


Her Dawn

by nativecatcher


Spoiler! :
Okay everyone I locked my last prologue and edited it but now I cannot unlock it so I just have to make a new topic...sorry

A woman’s tiny figure lay in a pale green field full of critters and insects. Bees buzzed

around her face, crickets sang and danced,and mosquitoes flew around her wanting to taste her blood. A silk emerald dress grazed her body, and a mass of curly black hair fell over her face as a soft breeze blew by. Her russet skin reflected tiny water droplets from the night before when she first arrived at this location. Everything remained the same until a fair skinned woman walked through an opening of pine trees. Waves of honey blond hair bounced as she walked towards the damsel in the grass. She caressed her arms smiling to herself, and cackled throwing her head back.

"Oh Mrs.Wata you are so clumsy" she smiled deviously," Did you really think I would let you go?"

Expecting no response she continued stroking the woman's arm smelling the tempting fragrance.

"Hmm I've always wondered what you would taste like" she wafted the woman's arm and caught another scent.

"Please don't do this" the woman lying on the ground pleaded feebly." I thought you were better than this."

She slowly turned to face the blonde woman; she could barely move from the torture she endured the night before.

"I'm sorry I'm not traitor " she hissed harshly before tearing and relishing the woman's body.

"Stop it please!" she yelled for clemency but the woman continued dining on her body.

After a few minutes the only thing left was a corpse completely removed of skin and flesh and a woman wiping her mouth before disappearing.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
3223 Reviews


Points: 339476
Reviews: 3223

Donate
Fri Jan 28, 2022 8:14 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

A woman’s tiny figure lay in a pale green field full of critters and insects. Bees buzzed
around her face, crickets sang and danced,and mosquitoes flew around her wanting to taste her blood. A silk emerald dress grazed her body, and a mass of curly black hair fell over her face as a soft breeze blew by. Her russet skin reflected tiny water droplets from the night before when she first arrived at this location. Everything remained the same until a fair skinned woman walked through an opening of pine trees. Waves of honey blond hair bounced as she walked towards the damsel in the grass. She caressed her arms smiling to herself, and cackled throwing her head back.


Hmm...this is a rather neutral sort of start here. We've got a seemingly normal scene from what appears to be some sort of forest perhaps with this woman lying there. It seems as if nothing is immediately all that wrong here besides perhaps the large number of insects around that this woman seems to not be bothered by. Although we do end this opening on a much more interesting note with this very interesting figure swooping in there.

"Oh Mrs.Wata you are so clumsy" she smiled deviously," Did you really think I would let you go?"

Expecting no response she continued stroking the woman's arm smelling the tempting fragrance.

"Hmm I've always wondered what you would taste like" she wafted the woman's arm and caught another scent.

"Please don't do this" the woman lying on the ground pleaded feebly." I thought you were better than this."

She slowly turned to face the blonde woman; she could barely move from the torture she endured the night before.


Well that does immediately up the craziness factor of this piece here. We learn in the span of barely two lines of dialogue that we've got a much more sinister situation going on here and it seems this woman here is lying in quite a bit of pain after suffering through lots of torture for potentially something she hasn't even done. Well, you've certainly made things very interesting here, let's see how this ends.

"I'm sorry I'm not traitor " she hissed harshly before tearing and relishing the woman's body.

"Stop it please!" she yelled for clemency but the woman continued dining on her body.

After a few minutes the only thing left was a corpse completely removed of skin and flesh and a woman wiping her mouth before disappearing.


Aaand that was a very interesting ending there especially since it seems to almost hint at this happening somewhat against this other woman's will, you can't feel much sympathy considering we have a rather gruesome end here and this person goes through with a kill, but there's just a nice seed of doubt which adds onto the pure shock value of this scene to make for a very intriguing piece here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 2358
Reviews: 45

Donate
Sun May 02, 2010 11:49 pm
nativecatcher says...



Actually the woman isn't a vampire, but if it's getting kind of confusing I'll try to make it more clear. I will try to post more also :lol:




User avatar
3752 Reviews


Points: 2556
Reviews: 3752

Donate
Sun May 02, 2010 11:42 pm
Snoink wrote a review...



Next time, bug somebody in green. We can unlock it for you. :)

Anyway... there is this damsel lying in this grass with lots of insects whizzing around. She's been there for a while and has water on herself and so on, so she's obviously undisturbed. And then another lady (presumably a vampire) comes and bites her... on the arm?

I don't know, it seems a little random! The damsel is kind of asking for it, if you know what I mean. Also, does she expect to be heard? By your last line, it's kind of implying that someone hears her, but as far as I can see, nobody hears her. Dilemma!

So yeah. It seems really random now, lol. I expect more. :)





“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables