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Untitled idea

by bumblebee99


So basically this is jut an idea for a novel I had, I have started to write it but the first chapter isn't finished yet but I thought I would post this to see what every one thought. :smt003

Lex is a 17 year old girl who lives in sunny California, on the beach, usually with her Aunt and Uncle because her parents tour the world and can’t take Lex because of School. She loves art and aspires to go to art school even though her meddlesome Aunt and Uncle don’t approve, they thing everything should be logical and Just so. Lex has an older much achieved sister who is attending college for the “Dramatic Arts” as she likes to put it, oh so dramatically.

Asher is 18 years old just out of high school living on his own from the money his parents left him when they decided to move during his senior year to the East Coast for Business and didn’t want to up force him to move with them. Asher constantly is on the beach in the water with his board.

Lex is stoked that she will soon be turning 18 in six months and can move away from her aunt and uncles prying eyes and finally have some peace. She has been saving up all of her tips and pay checks from the local diner ever since she got a job there at 16 so when she finally moves away from this prison, as she liked to put it, she would have money for and apartment. But all of her plans get tossed in the blender and put on puree when she meets Asher. For little does she know that more is in store for her 18Th birthday that the average teen. For in a not so real reality she is a mermaid.


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Sat Jan 29, 2022 4:13 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Lex is a 17 year old girl who lives in sunny California, on the beach, usually with her Aunt and Uncle because her parents tour the world and can’t take Lex because of School. She loves art and aspires to go to art school even though her meddlesome Aunt and Uncle don’t approve, they thing everything should be logical and Just so. Lex has an older much achieved sister who is attending college for the “Dramatic Arts” as she likes to put it, oh so dramatically.


Okayy....this is an intriguing point to start off on. It seems what we've got here is only a bit of a premise but I love how even as you simply describe the characters and where they'll be starting off in this story, some personality from the characters is seeping through so you just know exactly what sort of characters we're about to be introduced to here.

Asher is 18 years old just out of high school living on his own from the money his parents left him when they decided to move during his senior year to the East Coast for Business and didn’t want to up force him to move with them. Asher constantly is on the beach in the water with his board.


Hmm, it seems this part is almost sort of solely a character description rather than the premise of the story, which is not a bad sign at all. Having a rough idea of what the characters will be like especially in a story like this where it does seem destined to be rather character driven is a good sign.

Lex is stoked that she will soon be turning 18 in six months and can move away from her aunt and uncles prying eyes and finally have some peace. She has been saving up all of her tips and pay checks from the local diner ever since she got a job there at 16 so when she finally moves away from this prison, as she liked to put it, she would have money for and apartment. But all of her plans get tossed in the blender and put on puree when she meets Asher. For little does she know that more is in store for her 18Th birthday that the average teen. For in a not so real reality she is a mermaid.


Well...that's a nice touch of fantasy slipping in there to end on, I do believe this is going to end up a very interesting mix of characters that are also somehow stuck in what feels like it'll be a fairly normal plot...at any rate, I think you do have the beginnings of something pretty neat here, it just needs to be written.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sat Jan 29, 2022 4:13 am
HarryHardy says...






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Tue Sep 28, 2010 1:08 am
theotherone wrote a review...



Hi there. :)

She loves art and aspires to go to art school even though her meddlesome Aunt and Uncle don’t approve#FF0000 ">. #FF0000 ">They #FF0000 ">think everything should be logical and #FF0000 ">just so.

You tend to make run-ons, don't you? If you read your sentences aloud, you can make them out. When you're out of breath or, when you do a natural pause, there should be a point or a comma.

Lex has an older#FF0000 ">, much achieved sister who is attending college for the “Dramatic Arts” as she likes to put it, oh so dramatically.


Asher is 18 years old just out of high school#FF0000 ">, living on his own from the money his parents left him when they decided to move during his senior year to the East Coast for Business and didn’t want to up force him to move with them.

This is a pretty long sentence. I don't know where to put a point here, without disturbing anything... So maybe you want to re-write it so it's shorter and it has the same meaning.

Lex is stoked that she will soon be turning 18 in six months and can move away from her aunt and uncle#FF0000 ">'s prying eyes#FF0000 ">, and finally have some peace.


She has been saving up all of her tips and pay checks from the local diner ever since she got a job there at 16#FF0000 ">. #FF0000 ">So when she finally moves away from this prison, as she liked to put it, she would have money for and #FF0000 ">an apartment.


I'm done with the nitpicks not. Let's move on to the overall impression!
Okay, this was more of an introduction. A prologue is a part of the story, (before, during, or after) when this is pretty much the sinopsis or the plot maybe? Anyways, it's still good. Next. Mermain, really? Now I really want to know what's going to happen. I hope you can do something original and not to cliche for this.

PM me when you have another chapter.

-Other One




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Sun May 23, 2010 2:49 am
mikaylakk25 says...



Hahahaha a mermaid! That made me laugh for some reason, but I really like your idea :)





The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
— Mark Twain