Young Writers Society

How come he can't hold her? Is it because he's sick or something?

He couldn't hold her because his wife had died giving birth to Charlotte, somemen can't cope with that.

I like the idea, but you said Grandma had stopped telling stories, so why would that still be important?

Charlotte loves stories, I wrote that she loved Grandma most because of the stories she told. Charlotte lived in a dream world as a child, she lived in stories, remember I wrote she played with imaginary friends than real kids her age. Stories are important to Charlotte because she has grown up with Grandma and stories.

I don't know how she'd think she'd might leave, unless she was meaning she might die...?

I think I should have said that Charlotte thought when people left they died, she didn't want to be alone.

Thanks for reading and reviewing, Boni Bee. I wrote this in 25-30 minutes on a stupid keyboard and an old computer that won't let me use some words, very strange.

I based this on a true story and didn't change the names because I felt it was important. The real Charlotte was never ever called Charlotte because she hated that name, I always remembered her as Charlie.

Niobe wrote:Grandma
Grandma was a smallish woman with white fluffy hair and chocolate-brown eyes. She always dressed in a skirt and blouse, and a large cardigan with numerous pockets. Charlotte loved Grandma. She loved the smell of Grandma; strawberries and freshly baked bread, she loved Grandma's gentle touch; the softness and warmth of her hands, but most of all she loved Grandma's way with animals and the wonderful stories she told.

Mmm, great description! Reminds me very much of my grandma...

"Did I tell you the tale about the Red Squirrel, Charlie?" she would ask.

Ok, just to set this straight...Grandma calls Charlotte Charlie? Charlie is a boys name, but I can see how it could be used as a pet name...

"My oh, my oh. Well, we'll have tea and scones and I'll tell you all about my friend the Red Squirrel."

I think it only needs 'My oh my.' not the extra 'oh', as it makes it a bit abrupt.

Charlotte had always lived with Grandma in a small housing estate in South East London. Her mother had died in childbirth and her father could not even hold her;

How come he can't hold her? Is it because he's sick or something?

Grandma stopped telling stories when Charlotte was nine years old but she still would go into the garden to be with the birds and the squirrels.

I would say 'gradually stopped telling stories' because its too sudden otherwise

Charlotte liked Sasha but Sasha couldn't tell stories, not as well as Grandma could.

'Charlotte like Sasha, but she couldn't tell stories as well as Grandma could'. I like the idea, but you said Grandma had stopped telling stories, so why would that still be important?

"Where’s Grandma?" Charlotte asked in her small voice.

'Charlotte asked in a small voice'

Charlotte pulled Sasha and ran all the way home. She was worried about Grandma and was afraid Grandma would leave.

'Charlotte pulled on Shasha's hand, and ran all the way home, dragging the suprised woman behind her. Charlotte was worried about Grandma, and was afraid the old lady would leave'

I don't know how she'd think she'd might leave, unless she was meaning she might die...?

"Please don't leave, Grandma, I promise to be good!" Charlotte cried.

You need to say she went into the house....
'Bursting into Grandma's bedroom, she cried
"Please don't leave, I promise to be good, Grandma'

Grandma was sitting up in bed, she look frail among the pillows and her quilt. She smiled at Charlotte with tears in her eyes.

'she looked frail'

Charlotte clung to Grandma.

Charlotte resisted the offer, and clung to Grandma

Grandma laughed. "Go on, Charlie. I'll be better tomorrow."

'Grandma laughed quietly'

At breakfast she only had a small bowl of cereal. She did not drink the tea and scone in front of her, she burst into tears and Uncle Tom bit his lip.

She did not drink the tea and scone in front of her??? I think it could be
'she would not taste the tea and scone that were placed in front of her'

Charlotte never went to visit Grandma's old house, she often went to the grave to think and every time she went there she thought she felt a strange presence.

'Although Charlotte never went to visit Grandma's old house'

Charlotte wrote down the stories Grandma told her and published them to be featured in the local library and the primary school where she worked.

'Many years later, Charlotte wrote down the stories'

When she had her first child, a baby , she named her after Grandma; Christina.

should be a : there not a ;

This is a beautiful story, and I liked it very much. I have suggested some edits that would fix up some slightly loose ends...and some gramma problems, but apart from that I don't really have a bad comment for it. This is a very good short story, and has a very sweet, mellow tone to it.

Awesome job