z

Young Writers Society



Unmistakable

by Once Upon A Dream


I like the start I got on this, but it could use some work and I'm kind of stuck...so please let me know what you think. Oh, and I hate the title.

A love that overwhelms all reason
A love that overwhelms all sense
I long to step close to you
And slip my arms around your waist
The words “I worship you” on the tip of my tongue,
But I don’t know how
To let them out, and be
So completely vulnerable, to anyone
With naked emotion on my face
Desire in my body,
It feels so painfully apparent
A brazen secret whispered to the world
But you’re the one person who
Would never see it.

I have to be careful,
There’s more than just
My heart at stake.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
122 Reviews

Points: 1115
Reviews: 122

Donate
Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:31 am
Brian wrote a review...



You need to decide whether to use punctuation or not. You are using commas very sparingly, and it's confusing why you choose to use a comma in one place, but not in another. And if you use commas, you got to use periods. It's an all or none deal.

"
I have to be careful,
There’s more than just
My heart at stake."
I didn't like this. Sounded way too melodramatic.

The poem, overall, is quite good. Your style changes form midway through the poem, but it actually works to the poem's credit, amazingly enough. The beginning grabs you, and the body is well constructed. It's just that ending...





I sleep with reckless abandon!
— Link Neal