Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
I stood standing by the window. Rain was pouring out side. It fit my mood perfectly. It had been another day. I had gone o school. My face had been a mask of pure happiness. She had said every thing perfectly. Still after three tears the teachers were careful around her. The other kids told the new kids about her. She was literally alone. Her friends acted odd around her.
Okayyy....well this is an interesting one. The idea that you mention earlier is certainly quite a powerful short story idea that you've tried to explore there and while I don't quite see how it would be possibly to really do it too much justice in such a short form, you can still do a lot. However right of the bat the execution here isn't great. For starters right at the start it seems to be confusing the POV a bit because it goes from first person to third person halfway and besides what seems like the POV of someone who might be a bit of a social outcast and is trying to hide it we don't really get a full sense of what you're aiming for here.
If she didn't get every thing perfect her parents would yell at her. She constantly searched for another way out. The last one had been three years ago. She had cut her wrists. Her parents had found her on the floor bleeding to death. They had gotten to the hospital to fast. In other words, before she died.
Aaand well the ending there links back quite nicely there to the whole situation that you're trying to aim for here. It does showcase a powerful demonstration of that feeling you were trying to aim for earlier according to that idea, but then at this point its too little too late, this honestly works a lot better if this was closer to the opening to set a tone. At this point it seems a little disjointed and while its a bit powerful on its own as part of this piece it just sort of creates a bigger mess there. Overall, this one needs a bit of work right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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Reviews: 4100
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