FINALLY
Somebody FINALLY reads this!
Thank you Brian.
...
Well, now you're Fry.
Thank you Fry.
z
I just needed to re-express some anger in a somewhat positive unharmful, unmurderous way... So comments appreciated, but don't make me angered!
I awake to find myself
Surrounded by cardboard and wrapping paper
Was there something I missed about you?
I can’t grab a hold of the silver ribbon
Or the tape on the roll
The bronze saltshaker is missing,
All the salt is scattered on the floor,
like the sand from teh beach. Within it
There was a helpful message of
“Happy Birthday To Me”
I stumble out of the house
I run into a metal lamppost and it begins to flicker
Signfying the end of the time
And while I’m still hurrying to wrap the gift
Everything freezes and flashes before me
You sit there crying over your cake
Your breath doesn’t blow out the light
Your tears douse them in a sudden flood
As you listen for my knock
And I am there, but I cannot be heard
Could you ever forgive me,
The person who was only half there,
The person who loved you?
Or will I soon fade out with each breath for candles
As you grow older still?
FINALLY
Somebody FINALLY reads this!
Thank you Brian.
...
Well, now you're Fry.
Thank you Fry.
Liked it.
"like the sands of time."
This seemed very out of place; you switch from being direct with a little bit of symbolism to an allusion. Plus, that phrase is overused.
"I run into a metal lamppost and it begins to flicker
It signifies the end of the time "
Right now, the transition between the two lines is very abrupt and doesn't flow. Changing "it signifies" to "signifying," may make the transition smoother.
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