>Personally I hardly get this poem, I just sat down one day and wrote it. So i figured I would put it on here just because i can. to get your suggestions.
I can’t see,
I can’t hear,
I can’t smell.
It makes my life a living hell.
I can’t feel,
I can’t touch,
To do these things,
Is that to much?
I sit and do nothing,
For nothing is all I can do.
You can see,
You can hear,
You can smell,
You do these things and all too well.
You can feel,
You can touch,
And you do these things all to much.
You always do something,
For something is what you do.
I'd tend to go with OUAD and RiverGirl: it was just too repetitive. There are times when simple works, well, but this just keeps repeating a phrase.
It's just my opinion, but I think you need to use more graphic language: at the moment, there's nothing that conjured up an image or association in my head, and until you can do that, they're just words on a page.
I liked and understood this poem. It was quite good.
I can’t feel,
I can’t touch,
To do these things,
Is that to much?
For a title, I would suggest "Senses Revoked." Why? Because it sounds friggin' awesome.
The repetition and rhyming sequences were a bit too Suessical to me. However, you did leave me with questions dangling, and that is a good thing. Why can't you? Who can, and why?
it was a bit too repetive too really hold my attention for very long. anaphora can be very effective, but its easy to take it too far.i know because i do all the time.
blackrose said: "it make sense in a deep, spiritually tiring way..."
i think thats the perfect way to put it.
i do like this though, especially the 1st stanza. i think it could easily be improved by making it more complex, add some detail, some imagery, metaphors, ect.
I think you could go a lot deeper with some of the ideas in this piece. The language you chose doesn't do your thoughts credit at all. I would get out of the "I can't...I can't...I can't.../you can...you can...you can..." pattern. Use richer language, be specific, and really explore your thoughts on paper with this.
It made sense in a deep spiritually tiring way....
Other than that it was obliviously confusing.
And yes i know obliviously doesn't belong there but live with it, I like that word.
And it was an OK poem... lately my thougsh have been about piecing Tetris pieces together (O_O) TURN TURN RIGHT RIGHT DOWN YES!!!
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