Young Writers Society

'“Hey, Jay,” I say brightly, pressing the pause button on my walkman and sitting next to my neighbor on the sidewalk. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Being bored,”'

Very nice. I thought the whole thing was kind of weird until I found out that they were nine, then I'm like, oh, okay I've done that...It was pretty funny though, the whole 'you get the ring, I'll get flowers' sort-of marriage on the gazebo. Sam likes.

'I say, having the presence of mind to turn off the walkman to save batteries.'

I don't know why I liked this line...probably just because of the fact that my friend's Walkman keeps dying on her on the bus in the middle of 'Smokin' In The Boy's Room', so that's probably why. Just brought that little bit to mind.

'“We should get married,” he says placidly, as though he gets married every day of the week.'

Very, very nice. I didn't catch that until I read over it again, but it's pretty cool.

'His jet-black hair'

Cool story, cool story, thinks Sam, until you KILL IT WITH HER LEAST FAVORITE DESCRIPTION! I hate to tell all ya'll that have ever used 'jet black' (including myself *cringe* *shudder*) but jets are not usually black, only the little spy planes. So if you wish to put in instead 'spy-plane-black', be my guest, but otherwise, just put in something else that has nothing to do with aircraft or hot tubs.

'probably pilfering something out of a cereal box,'

MWAHAHAHAHA! That's the whole reason my brother makes my mom buy this uber-expensive cereal that he doesn't like! For the free pink plastic ring! Hehe...good times. Able to make the connection to that, too, which is uberly-good.

' it’s pink and plastic, but just the same, I’ve seen them say things like that in the old fifties movies and I want to make this seem realistic. '

Glamourous, dahling.

'“That means I love you.” '

I have no idea why I laughed at that...but that whole section is pretty cute.

'as sitting there, black trenchcoat and all,'

Your school allows kids to wear trench coats? As a technical detail, I'd probably change that.

'“Yeah,” I said...it was mechanical, like when your great aunt Ruth pinches your cheek and wants to know if you’re doing good in school. '

YAY! An immortal line, whatever you do, don't take it out.

'I’d seen only in dreams. '

AHHH!!!! NO!!!! CHANGE IT!!!

The picture thing is uberly cool, though you kill the whole effect with that line. ^^ By using it, it makes you sound like you're writing a cheap Tolkein knock-off, which is not good, in my book.

'The awkward silence broke then. We talked for most of the night. I heard my mom get in around three, but she went straight to bed, and I locked my door. Eventually, Jay and I lay in my bed and slept for a long time. The next day was Saturday, but my mom went to work anyway, and Jay said his parents worked weekends too, so we didn’t worry about getting up any time soon. He held me in his arms; I felt warm and safe. Security wasn’t something I was used to, I didn’t think he was either but that’s how we felt.

Secure. '

DARN YOU!!! I wanteda use that line! *whines* Oh well, great minds think alike!

*high fives* This was very cool, something to keep me busy on a saturday morning. Anything I can do to say thanks for reading my stuff.