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Young Writers Society



Beggining of a novel

by Twitch111


This is some thing I have been working on for a while. Hope you like it :D

Akaira walked down the main street of Ravenswill. The only inn in the town was to her left, with the craftsmen’s shops. To her right were many of the towns farms. Though others spread out on a couple more streets that came out of this one. A small smile touched her lips. She wore a white blouse, brown pants, and knee high boots. Her hair was brown, and pulled back into a pony tail. On her belt she carried bags of herbs and a small dagger. A medium sized dog called Riata walked at her heels. It’s fur was light brown and its eyes were amber colored. It had pointed ears, and a slight curl in the tail.

She was headed to a small cottage, at the end of town. It had a small vegetable garden in the back, and a flower pot hung in the window. When Akaira came near, a gentle, old woman appeared at the door. The woman was known as Healer Audrie. She had tanned, leathery skin. Her smiling face was lined with many wrinkles. Akaira was her apprentice, though tonight she would become a full Healer.

“Is your dress ready, Akaira?” asked Audrie.

“Yes Ma’am,” replied Akaira.”

“Well then, let me see it,” said Audrie.

Akaira took out a light blue dress. It had a dark blue ribbon around the waist, and long sleeves that hung over her hands.

“It’s beautiful,” Audrie said sighing. ”I remember when I wore dresses like that, I used to be quite nice looking.” Akaira and Audrie both laughed. “Well let’s get you into it,” Audrie said smiling.

Akaira and Audrie went in side the cottage. It had two rooms. One had two beds and a set drawers, the other had a table, chairs, and a fire place. Hanging over the fire place was a pot full with soup, that caused the room to smell wonderful. Audrie took Akaira to the bedroom. There Akaira striped of her normal clothing, while Audrie filled a tub with water. Akaira stepped into the tub. The water was cold. Akaira shivered slightly while she covered her self with bubbles from a hard piece of soap. When she got out Audrie gave her a towel to dry her self with. Akaira dried herself as Audrie took a bath. She then got dressed into the dress and went to get a towel for Audrie. After Audrie got dried and dressed she began to brush Akaira’s hair and put it into a lovely design. Audrie always told Akaira that she had lovely hair, but Akaira didn’t believe her. In her opinion her hair was a pain. If not brushed frequently after it got wet it puffed out causing it to become unruly.

Then Akaira brushed Audrie’s hair and braided it. “Go pack some clothes and food and put it on the horses.

“Why, there is nothing to worry about?” asked Akaira.

“ But there is dear. You have heard the tales the Travelers tell. Of villages being ransacked, and no one left alive,” said Audrie.

It was true Akaira had heard the tales. The excitemet of late had nearly erased it from her mind. Except for when she was about to go to sleep. Then it haunted her. A frown appeared on her face. Seeing it Audrie said “But don’t worry dear it probably won’t happen.

A few hours later Akaira sat by the stream. She was worried. Audrie was right. Akaira had heard these stories. She imagined her self by the water fall. That still didn’t calm her. The truth was it had been bothering her for months. She just couldn’t get it out of her mind. It was a shadow in her every thought.

I should be happy for my self. Today I am becoming a full Healer Akaira thought to her self. But the truth is, she was different from other healers. She had been taught how to use weapons, and she was an orphan. She also looked different from every one else. She had brown eyes and hair. Every one around Ravenswill had blonde hair, and blue eyes. The only other time she had seen a different hair color had been when a lady had ridden in past Ravenswill to marry her future husband. Her hair had been red. Akaira also ate meat when the other Healers didn‘t. She had tried it once on a festival night. She had loved it. From then on she started hunting.

On one of these hunting trips Akaira had discovered her special ability as a healer. She could hear animals thoughts. She could also talk to them. She nearly stopped eating meat because it, but she loved the taste of meat to much. Because many Healers had that gift she was taught how to ignore her power while hunting. Most Healers had a special gift. Some could look into a still pool of water and tell a bit of the future. Others could hear the thoughts of those around them. While others could talk to animals, or listen to their thoughts, like Akaira.

Right then Riata came out and leaned against Akaira, meaning she wanted a good petting. Akira smiled. There she was little Riata, always there. Riata looked at her in her calm way. It always seemed like she could hear your every thought. “Don’t worry so much Akaira it is your one day, but be careful. I do not want you to die out of carelessness,” said Riata sternly. Well it’s time to go. She touched her shoulder. After this day she would have a Healer Mark on that shoulder. The symbol was from the ancient language. Sadly no one knew what it meant. Akira sighed, she had always been interested in what ancient symbols meant.

She knew her branding would hurt. The apprentices master would brand them. Each Healer had a ring. On the ring was the symbol. The Healer would press it to their apprentice’s shoulder. The magic in the ring would leave an irremovable mark on the persons shoulder. It was said to be extremely painful. It was also said to give you a horrible shock of pain when you strayed from your path. Luckily, only Healers had the brand.

Akaira walked slowly and deliberately. Her shoulders bare, but for two strands of cloth that were there to help keep the dress on. Her hair was held out of her face in a bun, with wavy strands of hair flowing out. Two framed her face, while the others hung down to create a flowing elusion. The bun was spun with light blue ribbon to match her dress. She looked stunning.

She walked to the town square. It was filled with people. The ladies out of politeness complimented her on how nice she looked, but Akaira could see their sneares. They all thought her hair was hideous compared to the others. Akaira had to agree. They also laughed at her heritage, for no one knew it. She had been abandoned at Healer Audrie’s door step. Audrie, a kind hearted soul, took her in as her apprentice. She had taken a great risk. It was a great honor to be a Healer. It gave you much authority.

Many of the villagers had disapproved. This was meant for one of their daughters, not an outsider. The other girls giggled behind their hands. Akaira knew she was not beautiful. Most of the other girls spent their time looking pretty for future husbands. In Akaira’s opinion none of the eligible village men were very good.

The fire light shone on Master Thom. His face lined with age, but he was the best swordsman she had ever met. He had taught her how to use the sword, quarter staff, and the bow. In the end she had been able to beat him, but she suspected that was because of age. She walked over to him. His kindly smile shone on her like a warm summer sun. He was her only true friend. It was midsummer’s night’s eve. The villagers would not have come to just see here branded. There was much laughing and singing. You could smell the mutton roasting over the fire filling the air with a smoky smell. A musician had come and was playing on his fiddle. The other young woman were dancing. Their bright skirts twirling out around them creating a beautiful pattern of colors. Their partners laughing and twirling them in circles only to be caught by another. This dance was a town favorite it was called the happy wind. Every one was smiling. It was wonderful.

Healer Audrie arrived wearing a t dark green dress that brought out her bright blue eyes. The dancing stopped. Every one turned torwards were Audrie stood. She cleared her throaght and said “Watch, all for our newest Healer comes. She has learned how to heal and how to be wise. Listen to her well for she holds as much and maybe more wisdom than I“. Someone giggled. Audrie frowned and drew herself up. It went quiet again. She continued as if there had beign no interruption, “Make a path for the wisdom of our future comes.” As she walked forward she could see the villagers sneering at her. Their going to throw me out once Audrie dies thought Akaira, causing a shiver to run down her back. She quickly sat on the chair provided for her. Audrie took out the ring that hung from a cord around her neck. “The power of the elements has given me this gift grant you one of the best Healers to be to serve this village of mine,” said Audrie. She then pressed the ring on to Akaira’s shoulder. Pain shot through Akaira’s body. It felt as though her flesh was being torn apart piece by piece. She wanted to scream and cry at the same time, but something kept her from doing so.

Suddenly it stopped. Audrie smiled and said “I give you the ring of Bringing, so when time comes you may bring the us another Healer.” Suddenly an arrow flew through the air and hit the wall of one of the houses. A piece of paper hung from the arrow. Master Thom got to it before any one else. He read it quickly. Master Thom grabbed Akaira’s and Audrie’s hands and pulled them away from the other villagers, in doing so he had dropped the letter. “Run,” he said, “Get to your horses and leave as quickly as you can.” “I will meet you at the village Rockten.” He then pushed Akaira and Audrie forward. One of the village men yelled,“ They want the Healers.” They ran. Akaira heard a whistling sound , as if something were traveling through the air at an incredible speed. Akaira tried to remember where she had heard that sound before. Shock seemed to block out the answer. She heard a thump next to her. Suddenly she saw Audrie fall. An arrow stuck out of her back. Akaira turned her over. “Go to Rockten and warn the Healer there. Then go to the next villages and do the same till all of the Healers are been warned. Please do this,” said Audrie. Her eyes began to glaze. “Go,” said Audrie. Akaira looked up and saw one of the village men with a bow and was glaring at her. The arrow had been meant for her. She felt cold in side. The sound of a dog barking braught her out of her frozen state. She saw the man was looking for another arrow. Akaira got up and ran. Audrie’s last wish weighing on her like a heavy pack. She whistled. Riata and Lira, her grown gelding, came running down the hill. Akaira leaped onto Lira drawing her sword and shield. The arrow came flying at her. She caught it on her shield. Anger burned in her like molten metal. She rode down on the man and chopped his head off in one flowed motion, and rode on. She rode out of Ravenswill. Anger driving her forward better than any food could. She rode on hearing laughter follow her. No one thought she would survive. The soldiers following her most likely thought it would be an easy chase. She felt tears forming in her eyes. She felt despair creeping up on her. She fought it down with every ounce of her being. She rode on, Riata at her heels. The branches tore at her face and hair, causing blood to run down her face. She felt pain shoot through her.

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Tom rode his horse, Clerreick, down the lane. The wind blew through his black hair. The sun shone on his green eyes. The girls he past smiled or winked at him. He grimaced. When he had been younger the attention had been fun, but after awhile the others had begun to get angry. Last night had been the Celebration. All the girls had crowded around him, causing nerves to wear thin. Suddenly he heard a scream. He galloped up ahead. He arrived in time to see an arrow protruding from the new Healer’s back. She had been a pretty girl, he thought. His father’s voice tore him from his thoughts. “Go to you houses or my inn and fetch any weapons you can find. We need to protect the children.” All the men seemed to turn as one and ran. Tom turned Clerrieck around and galloped full speed towards the inn, warning all he saw. He leapt off of Clerrieck and ran to his room. There he grabbed his bow, quiver, and sword. He dashed out and swung into Clerrieck’s saddle. He saw the soldiers were nearly on the town. He heard a child wailing and saw her kneeling by her mother’s dead body. He galloped over to her and grabbed her. The girl began to cry harder. He tried to sooth her to no use. The soldiers were closing in. One was aiming right at him. Suddenly, all he could think about was the girl. He put her in front of him and rode for all he was worth up the town hiding behind buildings as often as he could. He finally found a group of men guarding a group of children. He put the little girl down with the others. He then turned around and galloped off to try and help the others. He got out his bow and aimed it.

He began aiming and shooting as quickly as he could. His mind seemed to hone on the men he was killing. At on moment they would be going at him smiling, the next blood would spurt and they would be on the ground dead. What he was doing sickened him, but each time he thought he could kill no more the image of the girl by her mother’s body would appear in his mind. She will never remember what it was like to have a mother he thought bitterly. Throwing his emotion with the next volley of arrows. He turned to shoot down a soldier when he saw the Healer kneeling with an arrow sticking out of her leg. He checked if he was covered and galloped towards her. He swung off of Clerrieck and kneeled by the Healer. He grabbed his shield and covered her with it. He remounted Clerrieck. The soldiers had noticed him and the Healer. They were closing in on him. He cursed. He began shooting down as many as he could, but their seemed to be an endless river of them. He felt pain shoot through his leg. An arrow had hit it. The wound wasn’t bad it just stung. Finally they seemed to be lessening. If he had the help of one or more people he could finish them off, but the others were just as busy.

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Akaira rode on through the night. She finally had to stop to rest herself, Riata, and Lira. She stopped by a stream and fell a sleep, while a hawk kept watch for her. She woke a couple hours later. She then mounted Lira again, and rode on. After an hour of riding she heard screaming. She increased her speed. She reached the edge of the forest. Down below was the village of Rockten. Instead of the normal, calm village life she expected to find, she found the village men fighting to keep soldiers out of their village. Her eyes were drawn to the man closest to her. Next to him was a plump woman Akaira recognized as the village Healer. The man had given her a shield that protected most of her. Akaira could see an arrow protruding from the Healer’s leg.

The man was badly out numbered. He was quite good with the bow though. The problem was he was running out of arrows. Akaira saw that if she didn’t help quickly the pair would be dead. She drew her bow and began to shoot men through the back, but she had less arrows than the man and quickly ran out. She then drew her sword and a shield. She then charged down the hill, cutting down men as she went.

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Tom saw arrows flying towards him. Oh no they have recruits he thought, but then they hit the soldiers. The next thing he saw was a woman charging towards him. She carried a sword and was killing all the soldiers she came upon. She finally reached him. “ We have to get the Healer away from this,” she said. “I know, but if I tried earlier some one would get me in the back, and that wouldn’t help her at all,” he replied. “ You carry her, while I watch your back. Go!” she said. Tom picked up the Healer. He then swung her in front of him. After that he rode for all he was worth towards the center of town. He heard the woman doing the same. Every once in a while he heard her ketch an arrow on the shield. They finally reached the center of town. There, he put down the Healer, and turned around to return to battle. As he turned he saw the woman was binding up a man. He galloped off to find the soldiers had left

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After she had charged down the hill she had brought the Healer back to the center of town. There she had been swamped with people needing healing. She now lay in a bed the village inn had provided her. I should be asleep she thought to herself. Her thoughts had been keeping her up. She kept on thinking why did I rush to help the man? It was stupid. I could have died. But some thing had seemed to pull her towards the man. It was like the world would end if he died. Who am I kidding? I must have imagined it. With that thought she fell back asleep. She had a dream she had many times during her childhood. In the dream Audrie welcomed a fellow Healer into the cottage. While having super, the woman had been looking into her glass of water, the woman froze and began to speak to Akaira. “Girl you must find the Starling, or all will be lost. When found, if found, your paths will be paved with the blood and pain, but your paths are not certain. If they are chosen correctly the world will be saved. If not chosen well we will all be torn to pieces. If need be give your own life for the rest. That is all I can tell.” After that the dream would fade only leaving a feeling of memory.

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Tom rode back. He jumped off Clerriek, and landed sending pain shooting up his leg. He looked around, and saw the woman. He walked to her.

“Can I help in any way,” he asked her noticing that she was about his age maybe a couple years younger.

She looked up and smiled at him. She glanced at his leg and a frown appereared on her face. “With that leg you won’t,” she said, “let me bandage it up.”

“Others need healing more than me,” replied stubbornly.

“Those that I can help I already have except for you, and you would be no help to others by dying of an infection,” she said.

Tom sat down and let her bandage him up. She did it quickly and expertly. Tom noticed something on her shoulder. He looked closely and noticed it was the Healer’s mark. He also noticed there was a gash on her shoulder.

“There you go,” she said.

“You should heal your shoulder you know,” he said.

“Oh that,” she said laughing, “I almost forgot. Could you smear this ointment on it.”

She gave him a small jar that contained ointment. He quickly spread this on the slash on her shoulder.

“Now press this bandage on it,” she ordered him.

He pressed it on her shoulder and it surprisingly stuck.

Tom saw his father coming and smiled at him. The girl stood and tried to straighten the torn dress as much as she could. She also tried to organize her hair.

“Thank you for all your help,” Tom’s father told the girl smiling, “If you have no where to stay the inn will like to offer you a room and warm meals.”

“Oh thank you that would be wonderful,” the girl replied gratitude showing on her face.

“I see you have met my youngest son Tom,” his father told her.

“Formally no, but he was quiet a help to day,” she said.

“Well come on lets not stand in your way of a good nights rest any longer,” his father said walking towards the inn. Tom and the girl followed.

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After she had charged down the hill she had brought the Healer back to the center of town. There she had been swamped with people needing healing. She now lay in a bed the village inn had provided her.

I should be asleep she thought to herself.

Her thoughts had been keeping her up.

She kept on thinking why did I rush to help the man? It was stupid.

I could have died. But some thing had seemed to pull her towards the man. It was like the world would end if he died.

Who am I kidding? I must have imagined it. With that thought she fell back asleep.

She had a dream she had many times during her childhood. In the dream Audrie welcomed a fellow Healer into the cottage. While having super, the woman had been looking into her glass of water, the woman froze and began to speak to Akaira. “Girl you must find the Starling, or all will be lost. When found, if found, your paths will be paved with the blood and pain, but your paths are not certain. If they are chosen correctly the world will be saved. If not chosen well we will all be torn to pieces. If need be give your own life for the rest. That is all I can tell.” After that the dream would fade only leaving a feeling of memory. :lol: :lol: [list][/list]


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122 Reviews


Points: 1115
Reviews: 122

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Thu Nov 24, 2005 6:39 pm
Brian wrote a review...



I thought that this was really good! The plot is well-done, and well thought out. Your descriptions are vivid, and you characters are life-like. You obviously put care into this story, and it shows.

There are some types here and there, but the best way to fix that is just to have your parents read through it and make the corrections. It's too bad there isn't some system by which I could make comments alongside the story and show you were the typos are.

You do switch a lot between third person and first person. That's fine, but you need to better relate to the reader when you're doing it. Some people italicize the first person parts, but that tends to get in the way. A better method is just to add, ", she thought to herself." That can get redundant, though, and the best thing to do is really just to keep the same point of view all the way through.

You also need to just go over comma usage some. For instance...
"He jumped off Clerriek, and landed sending pain shooting up his leg. "
The comma is misplaced. You don't need one in front of the and, but you do need one in front of sending. If you have a verb that ends in "ing," then you almost always need a comma to mark it off. But be careful with that since it's not always true; it's only true when it marks a change in the sentence. For example:
"I will be making a gift for my neighbor."
Here, the verb ends in "ing" but no comma is necessary since it does mark a shift in the sentence. But if I were to write:
"Jimmy is at home, making a gift for his neighbor."
Then a comma is necessary since "making" marks a shift.

All in all, a really good job and I look forward to reading more from you.

EDIT: Oh, and if you want, pm me when you post further parts to this novel.





cron
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
— Walt Disney