holy crap, i didnt mean to post that twice!! sorry!!!! 
whoops...
[pre]The stream of humanity passed him by. Uncaring. Unknowing. He didn't mind though, after all how could he when he was mad? And so he sat, in his tattered clothes, the sad remnants of a forgotten magnificence.[/pre]
[pre]Beside the stream, flowed a broader river of tortured machinery, emitting a cacophony of discordant shrieks,whistles and horns; all of which echoed in the resounding emptiness of that-which-was-once his mind. It had not always been so, nay- once upon a time he had been famed for the sharpness of his mind, the eloquence of his words and the wisdom gained from a millenia of experience.[/pre]
[pre]Now, however, that which remains from the aforementioned wisdom and brilliance is dedicated to a self-appointed duty enforced by an enduring and crippling guilt. Nostalgic thoughts such as these ran along a well-rutted road in his mind, reminding him of a former glory that in his current state, he could only dream of attaining. With a weary sigh his essence, his soul rose up to travel down the much-trodden path of memory to revisit a time long forgotten, a time now placed in the realm of myth & legend.[/pre]
[pre]At that time, several chaotic wars raged, wreaking havoc and destruction upon the land and its people for so long a time that it seemed as if even the perpetuation of life itself was in danger! It was into these troubled times that a young magician appeared, as if from nowhere, to single-handedly restore peace. Using a ruthless and devastating form of sorcery he decimated armies and ravaged those that refused to lay down arms peacefully. As his reputation grew so too did the rumors. Some claimed he sprang from the very depths of Darkness, while yet others say he descended from the heights of Light. The Truth is that he is neither. The truth is that he is an amalgamation of both. the truth is that he is Other. He is Fey. He is Merlin.[/pre]
[pre]As more and more people looked to him for leadership, his power grew along with his ego. And so, inevitably, corruption set in. All too soon his happy gaze turned haughty, his jolly laugh turned cruel and his kind smile turned malicious. He began to believe that only he knew what was right and that only he could implement good things. At this point, the beginning of his downfall, his emaciated frame-situated in the present- began to rock back and forth muttering a sad lifelong mantra: "I only meant well", this was interspersed with pathetically wrenching sobs that wracked his malnourished body. Verily the fastest road to hell and damnation is the one paved with good intention.[/pre]
[pre]So it was that he could no longer distinguish good from bad, right from wrong. So it was that a blight was born, spreading and staining all it touched. So it was that the people came to resist the changes he brought and finally, so it came to be that he unleashed his magic upon them...[/pre]
[pre]His magic; loosed without constraint became a warped, sentient and twisted thing that fed on the chaos & fear it caused. It took on a shape most prominent in the peoples nightmares, that of a hooded- black robed figure with a tongue of that flame that incinerated all it lashed. Each scream of terror, despair and pain that was ripped from the women, children and helpless men rent through the icy hauteur Merlin had built around his soul- laying him bare for to see, reducing him to a mere broken husk of what he had been as his mind nearly shattered under the weight of guilt that attacked him, led on by the merciless taskmaster that was his conscience. All that saved him was his sense of duty (reborn), the sense that he must make right this most grievous wrong.[/pre]
[pre]And so Merlin rose up once more and with tears running down his weathered face, he called upon that earth and sky, the stars and the very cosmos from which he came. he called upon all that was good and bright, the essence of life, for this was anathema to the creature; and with all his might laid down a massive spell-construct spanning the entire length of the city and with this he ensnared the creature and consigned it to the bowels of the earth. It was, however, two-edged sword that Merlin used for as it trapped the creature so it trapped him.[/pre]
[pre]Throughout the ages Merlin has sat,the focus of much pity&compassion; chained by his guilt, shackled by his sense of duty and wearing the manacle of self-pity. All this was to be undone, as Merlin- alerted by the interplay of shadow and light, realized that many hours had passed and returned to the present from his sojourn in the World of Memory...and blinked, startled as he found himself staring into the very eyes of Mayhem and listening to these words: " Hello, Father"[/pre] Written
[pre]by Omar Sakr, on Sunday 20Th of November, 2005.[/pre][/pre]
COOLIO!! very well-written; the descriptions are awesome, but like snoink said, the plot gets a little drowned out because theres so much description... this was alot easier for me to comprehend after i read your note clarifying it; it seemed like the story itself was a bit hard to follow. but im dumb. maybe it was no problem for all you brainy peoples out there. oh ya, i noticed a couple run-on sentences in it, you might wanna see if you could split them up.
i really dont see why it matters so much wether you use one of these: & , or if you just write the word, but whatever. 
and when you used the word pig-headed, did you realize you were talking to someone obsessed with pigs? 
and all that comedian stuff, JEESH no need to be so viciously sarcastic!
ANYway, i liked your story alot!! 
[/i]
COOLIO!! very well-written; the descriptions are awesome, but like snoink said, the plot gets a little drowned out because theres so much description... this was alot easier for me to comprehend after i read your note clarifying it; it seemed like the story itself was a bit hard to follow. but im dumb. maybe it was no problem for all you brainy peoples out there. oh ya, i noticed a couple run-on sentences in it, you might wanna see if you could split them up.
i really dont see why it matters so much wether you use one of these: & , or if you just write the word, but whatever.
and when you used the word pig-headed, did you realize you were talking to someone obsessed with pigs?
and all that comedian stuff, JEESH no need to be so viciously sarcastic!
ANYway, i liked your story alot!! [/i]
With a weary sigh his essence, his soul rose up...to revisit a time long forgotten.
" When he gets particularly emotional his body responds...or something like that.
Stay cool, please.Oh haha, how FREAKIN' hilarious...no, seriously you should give up your day job and become a comedian...i'm sure you'd be much better at it!!
Oh haha, how FREAKIN' hilarious...no, seriously you should give up your day job and become a comedian...i'm sure you'd be much better at it!!
JigSaw wrote:Secondly, short stories dont usually have plots, they're not really necessary.
the story is a history of what had hapeened to him, i tried to (and it seems like i failed) to create the sense that Merlin's spirit actually had travelled back in time, to silently watch his the "movie" of his life. "
" When he gets particularly emotional his body responds...or something like that.With a weary sigh his essence, his soul rose up...to revisit a time long forgotten.
Oh--you did post it twice! He spaced the paragraphs for us so we could read it (I read it anyway...most of it).
I've never seen the & sign used in a piece of writing...it'd be best if you did use 'and'. But you've heard it before.
I understood it. It might be nice expanded, but *shrugs* you'd have to try it yourself, as it is your work. 
Hark: you have a comma splice! Right after "I only meant well", you should either replace the comma with a period and capitalize 'this', or revise the sentence. I'm not sure you need this--":"--either. If you just write it like dialouge, it shouldn't be a problem.At this point, the beginning of his downfall, his emaciated frame-situated in the present- began to rock back and forth muttering a sad lifelong mantra: "I only meant well", this was interspersed with pathetically wrenching sobs that wracked his malnourished body.
Silly Snoink, just edit it
Also, using the and symble (&) is fine, but I will admit that you over-used it.
Story is great! but why did you post it twice?
Ok first off, yes I did really write this story, I was bored and so I just wrote whatever came to mind. Secondly, short stories dont usually have plots, they're not really necessary. A short story (to me) is just a tale, a fictitious (this is optional) story recounting some event or other. Thirdly, the main point of the whole story, was that Merlin-arguably the most renowned magician/sorcerer to appear in folklore/mythology-had fallen from grace and is now nought more than an unknown beggar laboring to contain an evil of his own making. Another point was basicly- beware of becoming pig-headed!
Finally the story was meant to imply that, perhaps beggars do more than beg, perhaps they are all that stands b/w us and an unspeakable evil... i.e me.
Don't use &; use and.
And.. I know that this is a story about Merlin, but... well... quite honestly, there is no story. It's just a longer-than-usual description.
I would suggest getting to the point and adding a plot.
...Are you sure you did this? It is good, but I don't really know what some of these words mean, and by no cost am I going to get the dictionary out and look up every word that makes no sense to me. It is good, very strong.
Throughout the ages Merlin has sat,the focus of much pity&compassion;
I'll look over this tomorrow... and by tomorrow, I don't mean today, since midnight doesn't really count, LOL. From what I see so far, it seems to be an interesting read...
While you're waiting, look around the forums, critique some stuff, and be patient. The more you get involved with the community, the more critiques you'll get.
hey ppls,
i posted this story on this site coz i wanted to know what you guys thought of it! Am i to take then that no one has any thoughts...
Any criticism given will be taken constructrively.
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