Young Writers Society



End the Pain pt.2

by LovelessSummer


Suddenly I was looking down at myself: my lifeless body lay sprawled across what seemed like a cave floor. How did I get in a cave anyway? Elana had thrown herself around my corpse and was now crying. I mean those hard, back breaking, full-force cries.

"Don't cry, Elana," my voice came out as a smoky, distant, whisper. Elana stopped and looked around the cave. I mentally slapped myself in the face. She can hear me? I thought I was dead. She stood up and scanned the cave nervously.

"Who's here?" She whispered, not able to keep her voice from shaking," Demetri. Is that you?" Demetri. My best buddy! He was with her? Wait of course he was, we all were- What were we doing? I can't...I can't remember. Sheesh Kasen, think harder. Why did I end up here? Why did I die?

Elana wiped at her eyes and cupped her hands over her mouth.

"Demetri! Demetri come here I found," tears choked off her sentence causing her to continue in a whisper," I found Kasen." I heard the sound of footsteps in the distance. The sound steadily grew louder until Demetri skid to a stop by Elana, who then threw herself onto him in a new fit of cries. Demetri took a look at my limp body and I could hear his heart skip a few beats; he wouldn't cry though, even though he wanted to. He wouldn't cry in front of Elana.

"He's dead, isn't he, Elana." Instead of answering, Elana just cried louder and Demetri made a half-ass attempt to comfort her by patting her gently on her back. And, then, it hit me.

I'm a fucking ghost! If I wasn't already dead I would have died again. A ghost. I floated down to sit next to my body. I wonder if they can see me. Maybe if I- Elana gasped, cutting of my thoughts.

"What's wrong?" Demetri asked looking at my body, but by that time I was back in the air. She saw me. I have to be more careful. Elana blinked and rubbed her eyes.

"Nothing," she whispered," nothing at all. Let's just get out of here." Elana started walking away, pulling Demetri by his hand. What about me? You're just going to leave me here to rot? No, of course not, they'll come back. I laughed at my stupidity, and as soon as I did Demetri and Elana turned around.

"Did you hear that?" Elana asked with a panicked tone to her voice.

"Nope," Demetri said, trying to stay calm," no I didn't."


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Wed Jan 25, 2023 2:55 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Suddenly I was looking down at myself: my lifeless body lay sprawled across what seemed like a cave floor. How did I get in a cave anyway? Elana had thrown herself around my corpse and was now crying. I mean those hard, back breaking, full-force cries.

"Don't cry, Elana," my voice came out as a smoky, distant, whisper. Elana stopped and looked around the cave. I mentally slapped myself in the face. She can hear me? I thought I was dead. She stood up and scanned the cave nervously.

"Who's here?" She whispered, not able to keep her voice from shaking," Demetri. Is that you?" Demetri. My best buddy! He was with her? Wait of course he was, we all were- What were we doing? I can't...I can't remember. Sheesh Kasen, think harder. Why did I end up here? Why did I die?


Love the start here. Things are really leaping in quite nicely into focus there. I love how quickly we're exposed to all of the emotions here, with no holding back whatsoever. It lets us really just dive straight into the plot of things and we instantly are trying to get to the bottom of the craziness going on. I think you do a wonderful job painting that rather powerful picture here.

Elana wiped at her eyes and cupped her hands over her mouth.

"Demetri! Demetri come here I found," tears choked off her sentence causing her to continue in a whisper," I found Kasen." I heard the sound of footsteps in the distance. The sound steadily grew louder until Demetri skid to a stop by Elana, who then threw herself onto him in a new fit of cries. Demetri took a look at my limp body and I could hear his heart skip a few beats; he wouldn't cry though, even though he wanted to. He wouldn't cry in front of Elana.

"He's dead, isn't he, Elana." Instead of answering, Elana just cried louder and Demetri made a half-ass attempt to comfort her by patting her gently on her back. And, then, it hit me.

I'm a fucking ghost! If I wasn't already dead I would have died again. A ghost. I floated down to sit next to my body. I wonder if they can see me. Maybe if I- Elana gasped, cutting of my thoughts.


Oooh this is a powerful little moment here. The idea of the ghost is clear from the start but this little reveal or really realization is a powerful moment here. The desperation there as this person hugs the body of the dead one and then that coupled with the final look there really sells the power of this moment quite well I think.

"What's wrong?" Demetri asked looking at my body, but by that time I was back in the air. She saw me. I have to be more careful. Elana blinked and rubbed her eyes.

"Nothing," she whispered," nothing at all. Let's just get out of here." Elana started walking away, pulling Demetri by his hand. What about me? You're just going to leave me here to rot? No, of course not, they'll come back. I laughed at my stupidity, and as soon as I did Demetri and Elana turned around.

"Did you hear that?" Elana asked with a panicked tone to her voice.

"Nope," Demetri said, trying to stay calm," no I didn't."


That's quite an interesting note to end on there. Diving right into the idea of this sort of fear almost of the ghosts instead of nostalgia or longing. Its not a direction you see people take often, but it definitely offers a fun new perspective on everything. I think its a lovely little cliffhanger almost to end on in that sense because its quite so unexpected from what you expect to happen and as a result we're left with more to wonder about than just the sadness of this death.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




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Wed Nov 25, 2009 8:24 pm
*writewatiwant* wrote a review...



Hi Loveless! I'm back. You actually got me interested in this, so that's really good ^.^

I. Details!

Suddenly I was looking down at myself, my lifeless body lay sprawled across what seemed like a cave floor.

Comma after suddenly. I suggest you trade your already placed comma for a ':'.

"Don't cry Elana,"

Okay, so. Comma after 'cry'. You usually put a comma before you put a name in. Example: Come here, John. And trade the comma for a period, because the thing coming next needs a comma xD

"Who's here," she whispered,

It's a question, meaning a question mark should be involved. And if you do put the question mark in, make sure you capitalize the 'she'.

Demetri took a look at my limp body and I could hear his heart skip a few beats, he wouldn't cry though,

Semi-colon (;) instead of comma after 'beats'.

"He's dead isn't he, Elana." Isn't of answering Elana just cried louder and Demetri made a half-ass attempt to comfort her by patting her gently on her back.

Ha ha! Wrong phrasing again. Let's see.... "He's dead, isn't he, Elana?" Instead of answering Elana [...] <--- would be the correct phrasing. Or one of the possibilities.

"What's wrong,"

Again, question mark!

"Did you hear that,

And yet again, another need for question mark! Do you have something against question marks? *eyes*

II. Voice
I loved it that you managed to keep the same voice throughout this and the first part of this piece. Keep it up!

III. Overall
It was good; it gave us a bit more of the plot, and we got a bit more of the characters, but the difference might be that this part didn't left me hanging so I'm not sure that I'll remember to check for updates, tomorrow. Get what I mean?

So, hope I've helped! And, PM me if you need anything!
- Kat





The chains of habits are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.
— Warren Buffet