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Western

by Mackdaddy77


A Sea Of Desolateness

The hot sun shined over the desert, baking the cracked ground, and the feeling was infinite. A man was trudging along the the hot sand dragging his limp, blistered body, and in his mind he felt like all was over. He was a tall, wiry man with golden, blonde hair and his name was Samuel Thomas. As he fought on through the overwhelming sun, he staggered and fell and got up many times but when he fell again, he didnt get up. He was giving up all hope of any survival. And as his body was strewn accross the sand, he stretched out his hand as a last attempt to move his almost lifeless body. As he thought to touch even more sand, he felt the touch of hope, for his hand felt a very small but refreshing pool of water. He pulled his restricting body up to where he could cup small sips of water until the last of it sank into the ground. After he drank he got his strength back, and was able to stand up again. He looked all around in hope of escape of that sea of desolateness. But even with his renewed strength, he didnt know where to go from there. He could either stay there and die, or travel on and maybe find safety or die trying. And ,of course, he chose to go on. After he had traveled awhile, the sun had already beaten through the renewed strength that he had received, not a short time ago. As he was blindly walking along, he fell and tried to lift his worn body up again but he had no strength to do it once more. He thought to himself " Surely not after all I have went through, I will not end it here!". So he began to crawl, he crawled and crawled and crawled until his hands were blistered and bleeding and his pants were worn to the skin. He could go on no more...

Should I keep writing this?


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Tue Jul 05, 2022 10:19 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The hot sun shined over the desert, baking the cracked ground, and the feeling was infinite. A man was trudging along the the hot sand dragging his limp, blistered body, and in his mind he felt like all was over. He was a tall, wiry man with golden, blonde hair and his name was Samuel Thomas. As he fought on through the overwhelming sun, he staggered and fell and got up many times but when he fell again, he didnt get up. He was giving up all hope of any survival. And as his body was strewn accross the sand, he stretched out his hand as a last attempt to move his almost lifeless body. As he thought to touch even more sand, he felt the touch of hope, for his hand felt a very small but refreshing pool of water. He pulled his restricting body up to where he could cup small sips of water until the last of it sank into the ground. After he drank he got his strength back, and was able to stand up again. He looked all around in hope of escape of that sea of desolateness. But even with his renewed strength, he didnt know where to go from there. He could either stay there and die, or travel on and maybe find safety or die trying. And ,of course, he chose to go on. After he had traveled awhile, the sun had already beaten through the renewed strength that he had received, not a short time ago. As he was blindly walking along, he fell and tried to lift his worn body up again but he had no strength to do it once more. He thought to himself " Surely not after all I have went through, I will not end it here!". So he began to crawl, he crawled and crawled and crawled until his hands were blistered and bleeding and his pants were worn to the skin. He could go on no more...


Okayy...well this is an interesting start here. Before I get too much further into things though I will have to say that this piece is big enough to require a bit more paragraphing than what its received at the moment. Its not too badly affected at the moment by being in this one large blob of text, but it could really be improved by breaking into a few paragraphs just to separate these moments your hitting into their own thing.

Besides that little issue though, this is a nice little tale of someone trying to survive in what is clearly a very hostile environment. I think you depict this person's will to live warring quite nicely with the conditions and the kind of thoughts that sort of thing tends to bring about in a person. Its a very powerful little battle there too and I think you've done a wonderful job in general both of capturing the emotions and describing the kind of effects that this sort of a scenario can have on a person in such a situation.

On the whole its a pretty strong piece and I think you definitely should have continued it.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Oct 15, 2007 7:34 pm
Wesley wrote a review...



I will give you props for attempting a western. These things haven't been made in a while. I love westerns! I sort of liked it it seemed to redundantly drag through him falling and staining his way to the desert. You should use more description to make it through the slow speed of the present scene.

I think "A Sea Of Desolateness" is not a very catchy title for a western. It is a good description but the comparison doesn't work that well in a western.

The hot sun shined over the desert, baking the cracked ground, and the feeling was infinite. . The feeling of overwelming heat was infinite.


I have noticed you seem to over use the word "and" and it makes this sentence over run for to long. So I suggest the above.

A man was trudging along the the hot sand dragging his limp, blistered body, and in his mind he felt like all was over. * Add a period and remove the "and" again.*


He was a tall, wiry man with golden, blonde hair and his name was Samuel Thomas.


"and" is used again and needs to be rewritten.

As he fought on through the overwhelming sun, he staggered and fell and got up many times but when he fell again, he didnt get up.


This sentence is rough I would proof read it again.

He was giving up all hope of any survival. And as his body was strewn accross the sand, he stretched out his hand as a last attempt to move his almost lifeless body. As he thought to touch even more sand, he felt the touch of hope, for his hand felt a very small but refreshing pool of water. He pulled his restricting body up to where he could cup small sips of water until the last of it sank into the ground. After he drank he got his strength back, and was able to stand up again. He looked all around in hope of escape of that sea of desolateness. But even with his renewed strength, he didnt know where to go from there. He could either stay there and die, or travel on and maybe find safety or die trying.


This is a good peice I like your description and such. But where did the water come from was there a random puddle in the desert?

And ,of course, he chose to go on.


*comma*

After he had traveled awhile (*a while*), the sun had already beaten through the renewed strength that he had received, not a short time ago. As he was blindly walking along, he fell and tried to lift his worn body up again but he had no strength to do it once more. He thought to himself " Surely not after all I have went through, I will not end it here!".


The dialogue here needs to be fixed.

So he began to crawl, he crawled and crawled and crawled until his hands were blistered and bleeding and his pants were worn to the skin. He could go on no more...


While rereading it you can pick out the redundantcy of him falling and getting up and falling and getting up it can get boring and drag the reader through. Besides a few grammatical errors this was a good peice. I liked your description and word choices and overall your story. Keep writing! Great Job!

Wesley's Score: :smt028 for western and an overall score :smt023 :smt023 3/4!

Should I keep writing this?


YESSSSS!!!!!!




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Mon Oct 15, 2007 1:49 pm
Ryter wrote a review...



Great job, overall. Just a few things:

He was a tall, wiry man with golden, blonde hair and his name was Samuel Thomas.

This line's just a little awkward. Mainly the underlined part. It just doesn't seem to fit. It's like when you stick a pen in the pencil sharpener. It doesn't quite fit in the way you want it to.

And as his body was strewn accross the sand, he stretched out his hand as a last attempt to move his almost lifeless body.

Grammar! Real sentences don't start with "And". Starting sentences like that can be fine when used with dialog or thoughts though.

As he thought to touch even more sand, he felt the touch of hope, for his hand felt a very small but refreshing pool of water.

We're coming back to the pencil sharpener again. It doesn't sound quite right. Do you mean fought? Do you mean considered? "As he thought to touch even more sand" doesn't quite fit.

He looked all around in hope of escape of that sea of desolateness.

Grammar! Escape-ing. That, or replace of with from.

But even with his renewed strength, he didnt know where to go from there.

This is a Ryter is a neat freak moment. Reeeeallly minor though. Didnt is spelled "didn't".

You've done a really great job. Just a few small bits of rewording and grammar fixing and you'll have a wonderful story. Albeit a small one. Can't wait for the rest!




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Sat Oct 08, 2005 11:01 pm
emotion_less wrote a review...



Nice descriptions. There are some good phrases the describe what is going on. However, you can't rely on one good phrase to make the whole sentence descriptive. It seems to go from really nice adjectives to dull words and so on. It would show what's going on, but then you would tell something, too, like at this part:

A man was trudging along the the hot sand dragging his limp, blistered body, and in his mind he felt like all was over.
I liked the middle part, but the parts around it seemed to be monotonously told.

As he fought on through the overwhelming sun, he staggered and fell and got up many times but when he fell again, he didnt get up.
Here's a run-on that tells way too much at once. Maybe you should describe how he falls, how he feels when he falls, and then to go on to say how he falls one last time.

I think it's a good idea, but you should be consistent in being descriptive. And if you want to keep writing this, it'd be nice to see where this is leading to. Right now, it just seems like you're focusing on the 'showing' part of it.




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Sat Oct 08, 2005 1:21 pm
Tríona says...



=P~ Please go on ! How did Thomas get in the desert; Will he die ; Whats happening next ?
I'm enthralled!!!! Good opening! :wink:




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Sat Oct 08, 2005 2:58 am
Melodie wrote a review...



Yeah you should. You have my attention. I need to know what happened to Samuel Thomas.

From a grammar perspective I think your doing pretty well but I'm not picky about that at all. It reads easy and you have a good use of adjectives and action verbs.





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