Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Rhen sat alone on her throne...bored-as usual- she squirmed and almost fell asleep from sitting u straight, until one of the guards approached her and bowed, "What do you need Guard?" Rhen asked with Boredom mixed in her normal voice.
"Your Majesty, Talia the Dreamer wishes to speak with you, will you allow it?" he stated and asked in the end, she perked up when she heard Talia's name. "Bring her in." she stated in a Queen like Manner, she waited for a few seconds until the door creaked open, there standing before her was Talia, she looked worried, so she sent her guards out to give them peace.
Okay, not a bad start here. Its got just about enough information there about the sort of mood this queen happens to be in and then the sort of state this person with the message has for us to be a little intrigued because it looks like they way they end up then talking is going to tell us quite a bit about both of them not to mention it also does enough to grab our attention as readers here.
"Talia? What brings you here?" Rhen asked walking down the stairs infront of her throne.
"Rhen it is very Urgent! we need Lars' and Hectors Help!", Hector was also a sorcerer but not as great as Lars is, "What is it Talia tell me!" she shrieked. "We have a new threat, we don't know his name but he is even greater than ahiman." she explained, "Come on we leave and get Lars in the morning, now its time to rest." rhen exclaimed.
Well that was a bit more dramatic than I was expecting, perhaps a bit too dramatic. It is clear that this is a rather pressing issue that's being revealed and that this is something that's being taken rather seriously and with not a small amount of fear, but the boredom on display from earlier vanishes in a instant and I feel like that needs to be played out just a little bit more here.
They were back in Velderah within a few days.
Rhen and Talia walked down the halls searching for Lars, once they found him he was in his room practicing a new move he learned, "Lars!!" Rhen Screamed as she gave him a Bone Crushing Bear hug, "What are you doing here? Your supposed to be in Thais!" he was very worried about that. "Where's Hector we need to get going ill explain on the way,!".
And okay that was a rather quick transition. I feel like this whole part there towards the end just sped up the pacing far too much. It ends up making this feel a lot more rushed than it is and as a result we don't even quite get to appreciate the magnitude of what has just gone down either so I think you need to be a little bit more careful here in terms of where exactly you want this to go and the effect you want to bring across. Right now that ending feels more like the notes in a chapter plan than an actual chapter so you'll need to flesh those parts out quite a bit more and be a bit more deliberate when introducing some of these characters because they do all seem rather important to the story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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