Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Adrenaline. It’s coursing through my blood vessels, and my mind is frozen. All I know is the task at hand, and it seems that’s all I’ve ever known. It happens every time, and once I’m out, it’s over. Like I’m a different person while I’m in there.

I’m pulling my knees up to my chest with the deck, and the water is chilling my black suit. The timer goes off, and I’m racing.

My arms are pulling the water back to make room for my body. I’m careful not to touch the lane lines, or I’ll be disqualified. My feet are the fastest they’ve ever been, flutter kicking like there’s no tomorrow. I shudder, my black dots in front of my eyes, and sneak in a breath, letting it flood back out.

Loving the description here at the start. I think you're doing a wonderful job as far as showcasing the atmosphere of one of these events is concerned. The description of what's running through this person's head as they race forward here is pretty accurate I think and that really lends its quite well to this start because it ends up making it very interesting here.

I look up, searching for the blue and white flags. They reach past my blind spot, and I take two more strokes. On my third, my body self-consciously flips over, hits the wall, and pulls me under. I dolphin kick, and begin my stroke again.

I’m trying not to look past the sky. I can’t look over at the other lanes, or I’ll loose it. I know it doesn’t matter if I win or not, but I’ll slow down either way. If I’m winning, my legs will slow their kick and I’ll put seconds on my time. If I’m loosing, my brain will tell me it’s over and I’ll give up. I can’t look at the other people.

I can see the flags. The blue is chasing the white, and the colors are mixing. I’m careful not to hit my head as my arms slams down on the deck. I don’t look at the other people. I close my eyes, and breathe hard, exhaling the rotten carbon dioxide.

The excitement you're capturing here really is palpable here. You're doing a wonderful job of bringing it all to life I think. The way you manage to really hyperfocus on this so much and have us very much cheering on for this person to finish the race is quite the feat I think. I can't wait to see how this ends.

I turn to look at my timer. “Great job sweetie! You were awesome!” She says, but I don’t care, because that’s not what matters.

“What was my time?” I ask politely, plastering a fake smile on my face.

“Uh…46.83,” she shows me the timer, and I read the numbers carefully.

I pull my body out of the water and let the wet drops glisten on my face. I pull my cap off my head and high five the other swimmers with real enthusiasm.

I just won the fifty meter backstroke.

Well that's quite a lovely ending. We can certainly see this person was very much doing their absolute hardest to reach this spot and the simple satisfaction there coming through along with that declaration really does work wonders here to showcase what this person has been through and what they're feeling here. Overall, we've got ourselves a really simple story that ends up telling us quite a bit.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hello there cjschoot, the name’s lilymoore but lil works just as well. No time for small talk, I’m just going to review!

I’m pulling my knees up to my chest with the deck, and the water is chilling my black suit. The timer goes off, and I’m racing.

Now, I know you probably understand the actions here because you know what is going on and this is a familiar situation for you. But because not all of us know anything at all about swimming (me) then it is nice to go into more detailed description of someone’s actions for the benefit of the reader.

I shudder, my black dots in front of my eyes, and sneak in a breath, letting it flood back out.

To be honest, I don’t understand the action here. None of these phrases seem to be connected and for that reason, I would recommend that you take more time to add more action and better detail these events.

I look up, searching for the blue and white flags. They reach past my blind spot, and I take two more strokes. On my third, my body self-consciously flips over, hits the wall, and pulls me under. I dolphin kick, and begin my stroke again.

This is what I mean by the description. However, I think you mean “subconsciously” not “self-consciously”. They have two different meanings.

I just won the fifty meter backstroke.

Just the way this reads sounds rather anti-climactic. The excitement dies a bit with that one sentence. Something as simple as rewording the sentence could change that.

So, I want to make just some main points as far as things that should be worked on.
Because not everyone is going to be familiar with the subject, then you need to describe the situation more. Set the scene. Maybe write a portion that describes the setting of the pool. Or describe her walk to the starting platform before the race, all the while talking about the setting.
Make the subject interesting. There should be a struggle in there somewhere. Remember back in elementary school when they teach you about story outlines (our whenever you learned that stuff). It begins with and Introduction, then the Rising Action, then the Climax, then the Falling Action, and then the Resolution. You have the basics down but where is the conflict, where is the opposition, where is the struggle. Try adding these elements to your story.
But I have to say that I liked the fact that this was such a basic story idea. Not only that, but I like how you describe the dialogue. It’s not too flashy:

I ask politely, plastering a fake smile on my face.

Not only that, but this line gives way to a load of information about your character such as the fact that she’s modest but that she also really wants to see her time.

Overall, take some time and work on things like description and plot elements and you’ll have a wonder short story here.

Any questions just hit that PM button down below.

~lilymoore

Hey! I'm Aushy, and I'll be reviewing your story today.
Little nit-pick:

I turn to look at my timer. “Great job sweetie! You were awesome!” She says, but I don’t care, because that’s not what matters.

The 'she' shouldn't be capatlized. xP

Otherwise, good job. At the beginning I was kind of lost, because I had no idea what was happening, but by the middle I got it.
[I hadn't read the subject. xP]

It was a good short story, but nothing exciting. The way you wrote was nice, but not spectacular. It was just a simple little story about someone winning the backstroke.

Where were they when they won? A school function? The Olympics? And then you didn't even explain how you felt after you won, which really disappointed me.

It was nice, but nothing real exciting.

Since I myself is a swimmer, I know how it feels. How everything feels like it's burning after you go as fast as you can, how you feel like you can't catch your breath... I didn't see that from this story.

It was a nice little story, but nothing spectacular.

Suggestions:
Try sprucing up your description. It would help.
Add more. What happened after you won? Who came up to congratulate you? Someone you haven't seen in a while? Do with this whatever you feel necessary.

Good luck!

Love & Blessings,
Aushy