Young Writers Society



Untitled.

by dwiheryanni


Me. I am being thrown to the mirrors. I am--. I gasped. I am being pulled back to reality. I glanced up at Nora Aiwa. Her face turned white with what I saw in my mind. Her eyes are narrowed at me and her jaw was clenched. She let out her breath she was holding. "You don't have to push yourself, Ivy." She whispered from across the room. I tightened my grip on the wooden chair I'm sitting on. I could feel the wood break under my grasp. I inhaled and exhaled and closed my eyes again. Focus, I told myself. I began seeing myself again. So angry. So. Vampire. It's the same visions. Mirrors. Bloody. Another vampire was trying to kill me. Thirsted for me. I focused harder and just like the previous try, I was being pushed out of my own mind. I opened my eyes and saw a piece of wood on my palm. I'm bleeding. Life's great. I threw the chair across the room and Nora jumped at the flying object and caught it before it hit the marble floor. She glided next to me and put her arms around me. Before I knew it, I was sobbing on her slender arms. "I lost it, Nora. I lost my powers." I sobbed. She patted my hair and made soothing sounds. "It's okay. You'll be great without it." She said. I sink on the floor next to her legs and sobbed more. She left me after a while in this big room. This big room, where Ian told me he has a girlfriend. This big room, I attempted to put an end to my life but Nora caught me. Eric knocked and came in. He kicked Ian out of Cult High when he found out that Ian made me upset. He sat next to me and stretch out his long legs. I sniffed and looked at him. He gave me a wry smile and came nearer to me. "What are you thinking about?" He asked. He picked up my bloody palm and healed my wounds. He can heal people. I can see the future. Nora is strong and gets deja vu. "Thanks. Nothing really." I looked at his big blue eyes. They look tired. I touched his golden hair and sighed. He is my brother. I know, but he has to stop worrying about me. "I have to worry about you, Vee. Who is going to? Mom's busy with her work. Dad's busy with our school. And anyway, its like a full time job already." He smiled. Yes, he can read eyes. Its weird, but its true. I got up and hugged him. I look into his eyes again. He sigh. "Okay, let's pack tonight and we'll take the first flight to New York. You tell Dad. I'll tell Mom." He said. "Thanks. Really. You are my hero." I said. He touched my nose and we walked out of that big room.


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Mon Dec 05, 2022 7:02 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Me. I am being thrown to the mirrors. I am--. I gasped. I am being pulled back to reality. I glanced up at Nora Aiwa. Her face turned white with what I saw in my mind. Her eyes are narrowed at me and her jaw was clenched. She let out her breath she was holding. "You don't have to push yourself, Ivy." She whispered from across the room. I tightened my grip on the wooden chair I'm sitting on. I could feel the wood break under my grasp. I inhaled and exhaled and closed my eyes again. Focus, I told myself. I began seeing myself again. So angry. So. Vampire. It's the same visions. Mirrors. Bloody. Another vampire was trying to kill me. Thirsted for me. I focused harder and just like the previous try, I was being pushed out of my own mind. I opened my eyes and saw a piece of wood on my palm. I'm bleeding. Life's great. I threw the chair across the room and Nora jumped at the flying object and caught it before it hit the marble floor. She glided next to me and put her arms around me. Before I knew it, I was sobbing on her slender arms. "I lost it, Nora. I lost my powers." I sobbed. She patted my hair and made soothing sounds. "It's okay. You'll be great without it." She said. I sink on the floor next to her legs and sobbed more. She left me after a while in this big room. This big room, where Ian told me he has a girlfriend. This big room, I attempted to put an end to my life but Nora caught me. Eric knocked and came in. He kicked Ian out of Cult High when he found out that Ian made me upset. He sat next to me and stretch out his long legs. I sniffed and looked at him. He gave me a wry smile and came nearer to me. "What are you thinking about?" He asked. He picked up my bloody palm and healed my wounds. He can heal people. I can see the future. Nora is strong and gets deja vu. "Thanks. Nothing really." I looked at his big blue eyes. They look tired. I touched his golden hair and sighed. He is my brother. I know, but he has to stop worrying about me. "I have to worry about you, Vee. Who is going to? Mom's busy with her work. Dad's busy with our school. And anyway, its like a full time job already." He smiled. Yes, he can read eyes. Its weird, but its true. I got up and hugged him. I look into his eyes again. He sigh. "Okay, let's pack tonight and we'll take the first flight to New York. You tell Dad. I'll tell Mom." He said. "Thanks. Really. You are my hero." I said. He touched my nose and we walked out of that big room.


Okayyy this one is quite the jumble there to sort through. Before I get to the story itself I have to say this one could really benefit from some paragraphing here. Right now this is one big wall of text that's also not being helped very much by some rather quick and sometimes a little confusing transitions in there and its just a bit too much work for the reader to try and figure out whats happening and follow along, so I'd definitely recommend splitting this up a bit more clearly.

On top of that we do find ourselves in a situation where we've got something that is a bit all over the place as far as a story is concerned. There are so many details that seemingly don't fully connect to each other all being tossed together at a rather rapid pace and the end result isn't the prettiest of things to look at here. I think you need to go ahead and take a second look at this one to try and sort out a bit better exactly what it is you want to say and stick with that with a slightly slower pace, especially with the kind of feelings you seem to be attempting to play with here.

So, on the whole, there's certainly a decent bit of potential here, it seems you've got many details planned out and some fairly intriguing characters, it just all needs to be presented a little more clearly so that as a reader you can actually follow the plot of this without a little too much effort.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Jun 07, 2009 4:47 pm
EmmaJane says...



Welcome to YWS b the way!!

:D




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188 Reviews


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Sun Jun 07, 2009 4:45 pm
EmmaJane wrote a review...



Okay. Paragraphing is definitely the issue here, but has been covered by red_roses :D

Tense. Is this in future or past? Pick one and stick with it.

I glanced up at Nora Aiwa. Her face turned white with what I saw in my mind. Her eyes are narrowed at me and her jaw was clenched.


I'm really confused. Is she having a vision and coming back to reality? Have you tried to differentiate between the two with tense? If you have I don't think it's worked that well. Maybe put the vision in italics or something.

I opened my eyes and saw a piece of wood on my palm. I'm bleeding. Life's great.


The 'life's great' is quite random. I know you're going for short attention-catching sentences, but i think it sounds really weird, so maybe explain what you mean by that.

Before I knew it, I was sobbing on her slender arms.


Sounds strange. Maybe 'Before I knew it, I was sobbing in her slender arms.'

"It's okay. You'll be great without it." She said.
Speech tags! Should be in lower case because the dialogue doesn't end with the speech. So like... "It's okay. You'll be great without it," she said.
Also it sounds like her powers are vitally important to her. So maybe "It's okay. You'll be great without it." isn't the best thing to say if you want to cheer her up...

This big room, where Ian told me he has a girlfriend.
This statement is in past tense apart from the 'has' change it to 'had'

He sat next to me and stretch out his long legs.

Same here. "He sat next to me and stretched out his long legs."

Yes, he can read eyes. Its weird, but its true.

Read eyes? Maybe explain that a bit more. "he can tell what you're thinking just by looking at your eyes" and healing people, seeing the future, and being strong isn't weird?? lol. Plus isn’t deja vu basically seeing the future?

This big room, where Ian told me he has a girlfriend. This big room, I attempted to put an end to my life but Nora caught me. Eric knocked and came in. He kicked Ian out of Cult High when he found out that Ian made me upset.

Okay, I have a problem with this bit. Makes me think the MC overreacts WAY too much. So what if this guy got a new girlfriend? I'm assuming she really loved him if she was gonna kill himself. Then the poor guy gets kicked out because she overreacted. If she liked him enough to be prepared to kill herself then why wasn't she upset that he got in trouble because of her and was sent away??

Aside from those problems it was really good. You have amazing potential. Just take others' advice onboard and you'll be fantastic. You have great imagination, which you put to great use. It's just how ya write those ideas down. Don't worry, just a little tweaking and it will be great.

Keep writing

~ EmmaJane ~




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Sun Jun 07, 2009 10:13 am
red_roses wrote a review...



My critique is in Bold.

dwiheryanni wrote:Me. I am being thrown to the mirrors. I am--. I gasped. I am being pulled back to reality. I glanced up at Nora Aiwa. Her face turned white with what I saw in my mind. Her eyes are narrowed at me and her jaw was clenched. She let out her breath she was holding. "You don't have to push yourself, Ivy." She whispered from across the room. I tightened my grip on the wooden chair I'm sitting on. I could feel the wood break under my grasp. I inhaled and exhaled and closed my eyes again. Focus, I told myself. I began seeing myself again. So angry. So. Vampire. It's the same visions. Mirrors. Bloody. Another vampire was trying to kill me. Thirsted for me. I focused harder and just like the previous try, I was being pushed out of my own mind. I opened my eyes and saw a piece of wood on my palm. I'm bleeding. Life's great. I threw the chair across the room and Nora jumped at the flying object and caught it before it hit the marble floor. She glided next to me and put her arms around me. Before I knew it, I was sobbing on her slender arms. New Paragraph here>>"I lost it, Nora. I lost my powers." I sobbed. She patted my hair and made soothing sounds. New paragraph her>>"It's okay. You'll be great without it." She said. I sink on the floor next to her legs and sobbed more. She left me after a while in this big room. This big room, where Ian told me he has a girlfriend. This big room, I attempted to put an end to my life but Nora caught me. Eric knocked and came in. He kicked Ian out of Cult High when he found out that Ian made me upset. He sat next to me and stretch out his long legs. I sniffed and looked at him. He gave me a wry smile and came nearer to me. New paragraph here>>"What are you thinking about?" He asked. He picked up my bloody palm and healed my wounds. He can heal people. I can see the future. Nora is strong and gets deja vu. New paragraph here>>"Thanks. Nothing really." I looked at his big blue eyes. They look tired. I touched his golden hair and sighed. He is my brother. I know, but he has to stop worrying about me. New paragraph here>>"I have to worry about you, Vee. Who is going to? Mom's busy with her work. Dad's busy with our school. And anyway, its like a full time job already." He smiled. Yes, he can read eyes. Its weird, but its true. I got up and hugged him. I look into his eyes again. He sighed. "Okay, let's pack tonight and we'll take the first flight to New York. You tell Dad. I'll tell Mom." He said. New paragraph here>>"Thanks. Really. You are my hero." I said. He touched my nose and we walked out of that big room.


You've not got any distinct paragraphs here, it's exremely hard to read...
Or did you perposfully left them out?
I think you have a good story line and plot, just need to work on your paragraphs so we can understand it better. I think you may need some more description... I didn't understand where they were. You said "that big room" right at the end, but that just didn't cut it.
I think with a little more work that would be really good.
Definately you should keep writing this story - I would be very interested to critique it further with any other stories you have or this one just some more. Just pm me and I'll crit them for you.





You won't know the outcome of something unless you try it.
— manilla