Well, heres my atempt at somthing resembling a story!
Once upon a time, there was a land so thick with jungle and fog that no sky could be seen through the thickets. Light poked its way through little holes in the leaves, and sent insubstantial beams of light down, to illuminate the glistening pools of dew that collected among the larger leaves. The people that lived amongst the flowers and steam were a small, pale, civilized race, that wore garments spun of silk, and dyed exotic colors, from the juices of various saplings, and roots. They were called the Shiana. There were not many of them living together. They were a wandering people, restless by nature. When they got tired of each other, they split, and so eventually, there were no great cities, only little villages, created out of sticks, leaves, and clay, that were inhabited by one group, built on, then abandoned, before being stumbled upon by another wandering tribe.
Among one of the smaller peoples, was a girl by the name of Koani. She was not especially pretty, nor tall. Her arms and legs were slight, and slender, as was the norm among the Shiana, and her eyes were almond shaped, and hazel. Her hair was long, and un-brushed, and an indeterminate color, a fact which she despised, which made her less inclined to brush it.
She didn’t know who her parents were, but that was not unusual either. If parents weren't ready to raise another child, the baby was adopted by the tribe, and passed around. Very few lived with their birth parents.
Koani had the ability to move things with her mind,and it pleased her, although, that too, was not particularly uncommon.
All and all, she was a very average girl.
The village was on the move again. It was time to go.
“Oi! Koani!” Shouted Matina, emerging from the store rooms with a enormous bundle of cloth.
“Better get something fast, because if you dawdle too much, all that will be left is the heavy stuff!”
“Thanks Matina.” Koani hollered back, racing to the store. She tried three packs, and found the lightest, filled with bread. She grabbed it up, along with her four other possessions. There was her other two dresses, a wooden bowl she had carved, and a small chunk of amber on a long cord, which she tied around her neck.
Matina was her age, which was around fifty seasons, and had magnificent blond hair, that was accentuated by the little fuchsia flowers she liked to twist in, and fasten with thread. Koani was very jealous of her friend, but too bored to hold it against Matina. Matina kept her entertained.
“Better hurry up, Ko, or the Albatoris will come and find you and eat your eyeballs.” Matina hissed, dropping her voice dramatically.
There were 18 members of the group. Five children, Koani, Matina, Soraline, plus the twins, Alaro and Leppy. Soraline was the eldest, and was moody, so Koani avoided her, unless Matina was busy. The twins were the youngest, at twenty seasons. Koani and Matina were somewhere in the middle.
The village was on the move in less than an hour. At first, as usual, Koani loved being on the go, as some natural instinct told her they were doing the right thing, but then, later, as her strength began to dwindle, and she became bored of picking flowers with her mind, she hated walking.
Matina bounded up to her side.
“Don’t tell me you’re tired already, Ko.” Matina rolled her eyes, and gave an melodramatic exasperated sigh.
Koani said nothing, and her silence spoke for her.
“It’s from all that mind work. It wears you out!” Mused Marina wisely.
“Leppy’s been doing it too, he won’t leave his brother alone, and you’re both exhausted!”
She lifted her feet up from the ground, and performed a graceful pirouette, twirling her arms above her head, before collapsing to the ground.
Koani laughed, not unkindly. If anyone’s gift fit their personality, it would have to be Matina. Matina loved being beautiful, and attracting attention. She had been practicing lately, and was now able to levitate for up to a few seconds at a time.
She picked herself up, bouncing beside Koani like a puppy.
“Like it?”
“Look who’s wasting energy now, Matina. Flying takes much more energy than lifting things.” Teased Koani.
“Not flying, levitating. I can’t fly. I heard that an Albatoris can fly though. They fly right through your window, and eat your brain.” She widened her eyes, and mimed eating somebody’s brain, chewing big invisible mouthfuls.
Koani laughed. “And where did you here that?”
Matina ignored this, and skipped ahead to the next subject.
“Want to go ahead so we can find the next village first? Wouldn’t that be awesome? We’d be heroes!”
This idea, though forbidden, was very tempting. The rule of the Shiana was stay with your tribe. There were many dangers in the jungle, and some of them weren't natural. There were other, less friendly peoples in the great steamy expanse, one in particular that liked to take down wary stragglers, the Albatoris. Little was known about them, except that they’re gifts were far greater than that of the Shiana, and that they were taller, and had large, deep eyes. They were greatly feared.
A fear that Koani assumed was greatly exaggerated.
“Sure!” Koani sang, exited by the prospect of rule breaking, and exploration.
They snuck ahead of everyone else quite easily. The long leaves made thin red scratches on their legs, and the sticks and twigs tore at the hems of their dresses. Matina walked in front, with fast, confident strides. They got further and further ahead of the group, until they could no longer hear the shouts of the others.
As the day began to pass into afternoon, they decided to sit down, and wait for the others to catch up.
“Ick, these flies are killing me! Can’t you stop them or anything?” Whined Matina.
Koani stopped a fly with her mind. It struggled with her, but she held tight. She put it on the ground.
“Fantastic.” Moaned Matina ungratefully. “The jungle has one less fly.”
Two hours later, no one was talking. Matina was stretched out on a pile of leaves. Koani was still figuring out how to whap away flies, but was getting steadily more frustrated as she realized she wasn’t strong enough to do more than on at a time.
It was getting darker. Koani tried to see the position of the sun through the canopy, but couldn’t, it was too dense, although she could tell from the redness of the beams it was setting.
“Can you get up there and see if our group is near?” Koani asked, breaking the silence. The moth she had been wrestling with seized it’s chance, and fluttered away.
“Nope. Too tall. I can only go a foot or two.”
“Can I get up on your shoulders?” Koani pushed, pushing her luck at the same time. Matina was not known for her over generosity.
“Why don’t I get on your shoulders?” Intoned Matina, demonstrating her infuriating talent for answering a question with another question.
“I can’t fly, remember? Not all of us are gifted with that.”
“I can’t fly either, only levitate.”
“Whatever. Please, Matina?”
Matina grumbled, but, to her credit, consented.
Once she had her feet on Matina shoulders, and Matina was gripping her ankles, Matina floated up so Koani could see out over the canopy. An endless sea of tree tops spread before her. The jungle engulfed everywhere she could see. No trees shifted. Her tribe was not in sight. The hot, red sun was setting behind the horizon.
“Hurry up, Koani, why do you have to be so heavy?” Came Matina muffled whine from bellow. “I can’t hold us much longer.”
“Just one more second.”
“Koani-” Panted Matina, exhausted from the exertion of holding herself in the air for so long.
“One more second!” Interrupted Koani, feeling desperate, and sure she must have missed something. No tree moved, and there was no glimpse of human or animal.
“Koani, you know what happens when you use your skill for too long.” Groaned Matina.
It was true. Koani did know. Using a gift for too long sapped the user of their strength. Overexertion usually resulted in dizziness and tiredness, and in extreme cases, loss of consciousness.
“Koani...” Came the strangled voice from bellow.
“One more second.” She was hurting Matina, and she knew it. But this was their survival, something important, much more so than Matina comfort, and it was unlikely Matina would consent to this again.
“Ok, Matina, you can let-.” Too late. Koani felt the grip on her ankles relax, Matina body crumpled beneath her. She fell, and crashed through underbrush to land in a bush. The thorns made shallow, painful cuts on her back and arms, and tore at her dress. She turned to her friend. Matina was lying on her side with her eyes closed, and her face the color of ivory. Her breathing was heavy. Koani swallowed. She had gone too far.
Oops.
Koani got out of the brambles, and flipped Matina onto her back. Matina was limp, but her breathing was easing up. She just needed rest.
There was a leaf in her hair, caught in the purple thread. The big fuchsia flowers had long since wilted and been discarded. Koani pulled out the leaf, and said, tentatively. “Matina?”
There came no reply.
Koani opened Matina pack. It was filled with cloth. She pulled out a soft woven quilt, and laid it over her friend.
She opened her own pack, then closed it again, buttoning up every button with precision, in fear of eating all the bread by herself.
She picked a few berries of a nearby vine, and put them in her wooden bowl.
She fiddled with the amber around her neck.
Wake up Matina!
Time passed. Koani got another quilt for herself, and huddled next to a tree. The sky was dark. She wished she had a candle, and it was too hot to build a fire.
She looked at Matina again, feeling very guilty.
“Matina...”
Matina eyes moved beneath their lids.
“Sorry Koani, I just couldn’t hold on any longer. I didn’t mean to drop you.” Matina groaned, weakly.
Koani’s feeling of guilt intensified. Why was it that when people were nice, she felt guilty? Maybe because it was she who should be feeling sorry.
“No problem. I probably shouldn’t have made you do that, anyway.”
“Are you okay?” Asked Matina.
“Me? Fine! Are you? I mean, you just lifted us both up about three feet for at least ten minutes! I can’t even hold bugs. You truly are gifted.”
“We’re all gifted.” Matina said. She smiled though, and Koani could tell she was pleased.
“How long was I, uh..” Color returned to Matina cheeks. More than usual, as it happened. Matina, despite everything, was blushing.
“Oh for Abba’s sake.” Thought Koani, grumpily.
“Three hours.”
“Thats not to bad. I was afraid of somthing like-Hey! Whad did you see up there anyway?” Matina’s eyea were opened completely, and she propped heraself up on one elbow.
“Nothing.”
The word rang out in dark, like a crack of thunder, even though Koani had said it very quietly.
“Nothing..” Matina repeated, as though hoping Koani would shout; “Just Kidding!”
“You must have missed them. They’ve got to be on there way. They have to close now, on their way, they’re going to find us.” Martina sounded urgent. She sat up, wincing.
“You’re wrong. You didn’t see. Theres not a person in sight!” Koani said, trying to stay calm herself.
“No I’m not!”
“Face it, Mati,” Koani whispered, into the blackness. “We’re lost.”
Go ahead and hound this. I need to learn how to write better, and this is the place to start! The title is random. I have no idea what this will turn out to, but I supect there will be bandit involvement.
Yeah, I have to say that your dialogue was very well done.
However, the entire reason that they rush ahead of the rest of the tribe is not very well explained- since it's got to be a pretty big decision, I'd go really deep into it.
The mind powers thing is cool, especially your describing the highs and lows of it. 
I really don't have many comments to make other than what other people have already said.
This idea, though forbidden, was very tempting. The rule of the Shiana was stay with your tribe. There were many dangers in the jungle, and some of them weren't natural. There were other, less friendly peoples in the great steamy expanse, one in particular that liked to take down wary stragglers, the Albatoris. Little was known about them, except that they’re gifts were far greater than that of the Shiana, and that they were taller, and had large, deep eyes. They were greatly feared.
A fear that Koani assumed was greatly exaggerated.
In this section, I wished that you had described the large deep eyes of the Albatoris just a little bit more. I kept wanting to put another word in there like menancing, mesmerising, or threatening... just something to give a little more of a picture.
And in the section where Matina is knocked out, you talk about Koani doing different things, but seem to only half-explain her actions. It makes things seem disjoint and makes the time appear to pass very quickly.
Also (and this is probably just something that I would prefer) but I have trouble reading things when thier all blocked together like they are here. You do better than most people, because it's at least broken up into paragraphs, but for me, It would read easier if there was an extra space between paragraphs (note the way paragraphs are set up in this post lol)
Besides that, I really enjoyed this. Nicely done.
finally have some time! same as before, ok? and grounded stinks.
The village was on the move again. It was time to go. redundant.. I would omit the second sentence, or rephrase
“Oi! Koani!” Shouted Matina [color=green[shouted not capitalised[/color], emerging from the store rooms with a enormous bundle of cloth.
“Better get something fast, because if you dawdle too much, all that will be left is the heavy stuff!” doesn't sound like people talking, unless you're using a sepcific time-setting for this.. so are you? if so, it'll pass, but if not, make your characters sound like people!
“Thanks Matina.” Koani hollered back, racing to the store. She tried three packs, and found the lightest, filled with bread. She grabbed it up "Grabbed it up" try "picked it up", or "grabbed it" otherwise redundant, along with her four other possessions. erm.. this sounds awkward as worded, especially with the mention of possecions in one sentence, and then the list, I would combine sentences, or mention them beofre handThere was her other two dresses, a wooden bowl she had carved, and a small chunk of amber on a long cord, which she tied around her neck.
Matina was her age, which was around fifty seasons, and had magnificent blond hair, that was accentuated by the little fuchsia flowers she liked to twist in, and fasten with thread. Koani was very jealous of her friend, but too bored to hold it against Matina. Matina kept her entertained. telling. make it showing. if you want an example, ask
“Better hurry up, Ko, or the Albatoris will come and find you and eat your eyeballs.” Matina hissed, dropping her voice dramatically.
There were 18 write out eighteen members of the group. Five children, Koani, Matina, Soraline, plus the twins, Alaro and Leppy. Soraline was the eldest, and was moody, so Koani avoided her, unless Matina was busy. The twins were the youngest, at twenty seasons. Koani and Matina were somewhere in the middle.
The village was on the move in less than an hour. At first, as usual, Koani loved being on the go, as some natural instinct told her they were doing the right thing, but then, later, as her strength began to dwindle, and she became bored of picking flowers with her mind, she hated walking. more showing.. instead of saying she's moody, have her snap at someone unnecessarily, something like that
Matina bounded up to her side.
“Don’t tell me you’re tired already, Ko.” Matina rolled her eyes, and gave an melodramatic exasperated sigh.
Koani said nothing, and her silence spoke for her.
“It’s from all that mind work. It wears you out!” Mused Marina wisely. forgive my emeory it it's to blame.. but mind work? gifts? did i miss something?
“Leppy’s been doing it too, he won’t leave his brother alone, and you’re both exhausted!”
She lifted her feet up from the ground, and performed a graceful pirouette, twirling her arms above her head, before collapsing to the ground.
Koani laughed, not unkindly. If anyone’s gift fit their personality, it would have to be Matina. Matina loved being beautiful, and attracting attention. She had been practicing lately, and was now able to levitate for up to a few seconds at a time.
She picked herself up, bouncing beside Koani like a puppy.
“Like it?”
“Look who’s wasting energy now, Matina. Flying takes much more energy than lifting things.” Teased Koani.
“Not flying, levitating. I can’t fly. I heard that an Albatoris can fly though. They fly right through your window, and eat your brain.” She widened her eyes, and mimed eating somebody’s brain, chewing big invisible mouthfuls.
Koani laughed. “And where did you here that?”
Matina ignored this, and skipped ahead to the next subject.
“Want to go ahead so we can find the next village first? Wouldn’t that be awesome? We’d be heroes!”
This idea, though forbidden, was very tempting. The rule of the Shiana was stay with your tribe. There were many dangers in the jungle, and some of them weren't natural. There were other, less friendly peoples in the great steamy expanse, one in particular that liked to take down wary stragglers, the Albatoris. Little was known about them, except that they’re theirgifts were far greater than that of the Shiana, and that they were taller, and had large, deep eyes. They were greatly feared. feared? meh, show the fear, don't tell me abotu it. have a story about their fearsome exploits.. something to that extent. overhear a conversation between adults..
A fear that Koani assumed was greatly exaggerated. ha! this could be worked into a story.. quite well... just a thought
“Sure!” Koani sang, exited by the prospect of rule breaking, and exploration.
I liked it. If you correct your mistakes it'll be better, everyone has already made most corrections so there isn't much for me to say.
ok, I'm going to start out generally, and I'm going to go in part here (you said be brutal!) as this is long, and the most through way i have of doing this would take up far too much room for one post (or either of our sanities). so, unless there's anything you don't want me doing for the next section I do, or something you want me to do/do more of, just ask! (eh, within reason, of course).
ok, first off, on skimming everything, I didn't see the word "said" at all.. but I did see lots of adjectives in place of it. Said is not a bad word, just not one to be over used, or under used. That said, keep the adjectives down, and show a bit more (I'll get this in nit-picks if you're not sure what I mean by that, or just want an example).
oh yes, pay attention to dialogue puncuation (think J. Haux got all the basics, there). alrightly then, nit-pick time! oh yeah, I think this must have happened if you copied this from a word doc, but add in spaces between lines (extra ones, so things are separated) so it's easier to read, if you can, please. also, hope this works for you!
Once upon a time, there was a land so thick with jungle and fog that no sky could be seen through the thicketsaw, once upon a time. now, my question to you. is this going to vaguely resemble a fairy tale? if not, I would recomend altering the first sentence as it gives the impression of a fairy tale. Light poked its way through little holes in the leaves, and sent insubstantial beams of light down, to illuminate the glistening pools of dew that collected among the larger leaves. The people that lived amongst the flowers and steam were a small, pale, civilized race, that wore garments spun of silk, and dyed exotic colors, from the juices of various saplings, and roots. They were called the Shiana. There were not many of them living together. They were a wandering people, restless by nature. When they got tired of each other, they split, and so eventually, there were no great cities, only little villages, created out of sticks, leaves, and clay, that were inhabited by one group, built on, then abandoned, before being stumbled upon by another wandering tribe. lots and lots of description. I like description, however, not all bunched up. it gives the impression of a lesson, and nothing really happens. most of this you can incorporate into other places, and start with action. it helps grab interest as well, whereas straight description can be a major turn off.
Among one of the smaller peoples, was a girl by the name of Koani. She was not especially pretty, nor tall yuck. just..describe her. but not this way. work it into the story more. for example, if she's brushing her hair, say "she brushed her long brown hair, struggeling slightly with the curls". ok, bad example, but does that make sense?. Her arms and legs were slight, and slender, as was the norm among the Shiana, and her eyes were almond shaped, and hazel. Her hair was long, and un-brushed, and an indeterminate color, a fact which she despised, which made her less inclined to brush it. she doesn't like to brush her hair becuase of the colour? lol, ok then
She didn’t know who her parents were, but that was not unusual either. If parents weren't ready to raise another child, the baby was adopted by the tribe, and passed around. Very few lived with their birth parents. whoa. threw a custom at us. threw me off, a bit..you stated it more like a text book (excuse the reference, I've been burried in them lately). if this is your story, you have to be able to live it, so strange customs shouldn't seem strange to you, and thus you would just make reference to something like this as fact, and most likely not state it bluntly, even if explaining things to an outsider.
Koani had the ability to move things with her mind,and it pleased her, although, that too, was not particularly uncommon.
All and all, she was a very average girl. again..whoa. threw that at us, too. this I can give an example with.. I think. ok. so if she can move things with her mind, just show her doing that, don't tell us, show us! facts are nice and all, but showing us the story si much more interesting. also, are they consequences of this ability of hers? limitations? restrictions? why can she do this? ok, I'll be back later to do more sections, ok? (also, I'll be annoyingly through about it this way
I mostly seem to be the one pointing out dialogue punctuation mistakes. *sigh*
I meant that it was interesting that having powers wasn't unusual. The idea itself isn't cliched (at least I haven't come across it before). I'm curious as to what happens next. Keep writing! It's good!
This is a great story, I loved it. I can't say more about the dialogue than what J.Haux said.
There were 18 members of the group it should be 'eighteen' not '18' and should say 'in' not 'of' There were eighteen members in the group
In the second paragraph you wrote Marina instead of Matina.
Apart from those errors the story is brilliant. Keep writing.
I have long, un-brushed hair of an indeterminate color. Funky! No mind powers though.
But anyway, I loved you story. You have the best ideas! such cool mind powers. And the dialogue is good. Also
She fell, and crashed through underbrush to land in a bush. The thorns made shallow, painful cuts on her back and arms, and tore at her dress. She turned to her friend. Matina was lying on her side with her eyes closed, and her face the color of ivory. Her breathing was heavy. Koani swallowed. She had gone too far.
Oops.
I like the oops.
So yeah, I really like this. You must post more!!! soonfully!
Ooo...really? You want us to? *evil laugh*
Ah...I'll get to it later...It's late.
I will say you need to learn proper dialogue punctuation. It's something people don't seem to know, and it's not that hard. 
But you'll catch on pretty quick.
If you wanted to say "Hi, I'm Jenna", then
"Hi, I'm Jenna," Jenna said.
or "Hi, I'm Jenna," she said. Notice she isn't capitalized.
"What's your name?" Jenna asked.
"What's your name?" she asked.
Also,
"I hate Mondays," came a weary voice from behind her. It's never capitalized unless it's a proper noun (is that right?) or you're starting a new sentence. Like so:
"I hate Mondays." He emphasized his statement with a large sigh. Notice the "," is now a period.
That's all I have time for right now!
Like your story. Interesting, the powers being so unusual...
Jacquie
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