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Lack of a name for now...

by brandenwallace


This could very well become sci-fi or fantasy but I dont know. Its more a philosphical thing I think. Here is an excerpt.

Stepping from the porch of the temple, the girl looked down into the black chasm. If she fell into it, she thought, she would fall forever more. A chilling gust of air blew out of the chasm, forcing the girl to step back. The questions of the universe could be hers if she would take the fateful leap into the bottomless pit. Knowledge was what she feasted upon and this hunger pushed her fears to the side. Dancing at the edge of eternity, the girl laughed with glee. But like all things, the excitement came to an end, and she stood solemnly staring into the darkness of the netherworld rift. Finally, her curiosity overcame her. Slowly stepping forward, she let one foot dangle in the cold air above the chasm, and then brought the other one out to meet it. For a moment she levitated on the air, her breathing quickening as she consumed a few trickles of wisdom. The cushion of air left her though, and a cackle escaped her throat as she entered into the mouth of the pit.


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Wed Jun 29, 2022 11:48 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Stepping from the porch of the temple, the girl looked down into the black chasm. If she fell into it, she thought, she would fall forever more. A chilling gust of air blew out of the chasm, forcing the girl to step back. The questions of the universe could be hers if she would take the fateful leap into the bottomless pit. Knowledge was what she feasted upon and this hunger pushed her fears to the side. Dancing at the edge of eternity, the girl laughed with glee. But like all things, the excitement came to an end, and she stood solemnly staring into the darkness of the netherworld rift. Finally, her curiosity overcame her. Slowly stepping forward, she let one foot dangle in the cold air above the chasm, and then brought the other one out to meet it. For a moment she levitated on the air, her breathing quickening as she consumed a few trickles of wisdom. The cushion of air left her though, and a cackle escaped her throat as she entered into the mouth of the pit.


Well that is certainly an interesting one there. I don't believe I've run into something quite like this before. It has certainly been something here. For something so short, this one really manages to make itself feel like a properly complete story and not by going overwhelming fast either, it just sort of manages to be just about the perfect pace to leave you with a few chills here.

The way you describe this pit here is really quite spot on there. It sort of tells you just enough to be afraid and both curious of this place but not so much that it takes away the mystery surrounding. That's backed up very well by the reactions of this person which are also just about questionable enough to make things interesting without giving away too much.

I think on the whole you've really managed to build a very solid piece here. It manages to really capture a nice sense of mystery and curiosity and then leave us almost wanting more with that ending despite it also sounding very final here. Either way a very solid piece.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Sep 18, 2006 4:40 am
Fireweed wrote a review...



This is very intriguing; only a paragraph, but it's already gripped me.I'd really like to see where it goes. It seems very sci-fi-ish, but it's hard to tell from just one paragraph...

You should totally continue this. The suspense is killing me!! Lol.




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Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:20 am
Boni_Bee wrote a review...



This is interesting, although it made me think that what would happen with the rest of the story is that all she would do is get wise, and nothing would actually happen....but I'm interested in the next part :)




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Wed Sep 28, 2005 3:08 am
Bobo says...



Interesting. I'd like to see where this goes.




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Wed Sep 28, 2005 2:57 am
brandenwallace says...



Yes i dont want too many details like setting or character stuff but i want the reader to have their own idea and have good imagery from a few words. there is more to follow, trust me.




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Wed Sep 28, 2005 2:55 am
Sam wrote a review...



This is really very cool- but too short to full critique. So the only thing I'd do for now is get another word for chasm: you use it twice in the same section. (I know, I love that word too...)

Very vague, yet you have a bright picture of what's going on. Uberspiffy.





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