Young Writers Society



Vampire Super Models

by lovly_audrey


I had just flopped into one of the soft leather chairs at the front of the coffee shop, cracked open my book, and sipped my cappuccino when he walked in. I almost choked on my coffee when I got a good glimpse of him. I knew who he was instantly. I swallowed my drink hard.

He was the most gorgeous man in history and the best photographer I've ever heard of. His name is Christopher Armstrong. Rumor had it that he was looking for new models for this season's look. I was going to be one of those models. I knew deep in my heart. I was sure the clothes would look great on me. They were my style: dark and dangerous with a hint of sexy. The only problem was... he was a vampire. And I was terrified of him.

Even though everybody knew about and accepted vampires there were still a few "accidents" where a human ended up being drained. Vampires were trying very hard to be normal though, and people were donating more blood than ever before. The vampires bought it form the blood bank and drank it like soda.

The easiest way people could tell a human from a vampire was their eyes. Vampires' pupils were always very large and their irises were much brighter than humans. They also came in more shades like neon green, sky blue, and even some pinks, purples and oranges. Only the wild vampires that still regularly fed on humans had black eyes and were either in prison or in some hiding places outside the city.

While he made his order, I did everything in my power to make myself astonishing. I whipped out my compact and added a fresh layer of lip gloss. Then hurriedly ran my fingers through my hair. I got into the most attractive pose I could manage in the huge chair. Then decided to only pay attention to my drink so he wouldn't think I was just some crazed fan girl.

When he received his drink he turned on his heel and looked right at me. My spine tensed, I really hoped he didn't notice. He moved swiftly to my side. Then sat in the chair right next to mine so we would have to share an end table. I watched as he put his newspaper down right beside my book. Then to my amazement, he looked up right into my eyes and said, "Hello I'm Christopher Armstrong, have you ever considered modeling?"


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Thu Dec 01, 2022 9:28 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I had just flopped into one of the soft leather chairs at the front of the coffee shop, cracked open my book, and sipped my cappuccino when he walked in. I almost choked on my coffee when I got a good glimpse of him. I knew who he was instantly. I swallowed my drink hard.

He was the most gorgeous man in history and the best photographer I've ever heard of. His name is Christopher Armstrong. Rumor had it that he was looking for new models for this season's look. I was going to be one of those models. I knew deep in my heart. I was sure the clothes would look great on me. They were my style: dark and dangerous with a hint of sexy. The only problem was... he was a vampire. And I was terrified of him.


Ok...well this is a combination of cliches that I have never actually seen before. It definitely caught me off guard there. I'd say you've managed to actually combine too somewhat often used situations and go mix them up into a bit of a unique one here and I love it. Its a lovely place to start off here too, just dropping a bomb like that right on the reader.

Even though everybody knew about and accepted vampires there were still a few "accidents" where a human ended up being drained. Vampires were trying very hard to be normal though, and people were donating more blood than ever before. The vampires bought it form the blood bank and drank it like soda.

The easiest way people could tell a human from a vampire was their eyes. Vampires' pupils were always very large and their irises were much brighter than humans. They also came in more shades like neon green, sky blue, and even some pinks, purples and oranges. Only the wild vampires that still regularly fed on humans had black eyes and were either in prison or in some hiding places outside the city.


Well that was a bit too much information I feel to cram in there. Its all very interesting, don't get me wrong, but as important and exciting as introducing the rules of a world is, just chucking such a large chunk of information into the middle of a scene ends up completely derailing the flow of it and breaking the immersion a little so you want to be a little more careful of that and perhaps try and make this a little shorter here or at least integrate it a bit deeper into the text.

While he made his order, I did everything in my power to make myself astonishing. I whipped out my compact and added a fresh layer of lip gloss. Then hurriedly ran my fingers through my hair. I got into the most attractive pose I could manage in the huge chair. Then decided to only pay attention to my drink so he wouldn't think I was just some crazed fan girl.

When he received his drink he turned on his heel and looked right at me. My spine tensed, I really hoped he didn't notice. He moved swiftly to my side. Then sat in the chair right next to mine so we would have to share an end table. I watched as he put his newspaper down right beside my book. Then to my amazement, he looked up right into my eyes and said, "Hello I'm Christopher Armstrong, have you ever considered modeling?"


Well that was actually not how I predicted that interaction going. I love that it seems like we've got a successful plan being executed right at the start here. That is quite rare to see here sometimes. I think this makes for a lovely start as a result. Its a good reimagining of some older cliches and I think it really does a good job of getting us as the audience invested.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sat Jul 11, 2009 6:39 am
Auteur wrote a review...



Hi, I'm Auteur. This will be my first [brief] review and I hope it's helpful.

lovly_audrey wrote:I had just flopped into one of the soft leather chairs at the front of the coffee shop, cracked open my book, and sipped my cappuccino when he walked in.


With this sentence I would suggest changing the word 'flopped' into some thing such as 'collapsed'.
Your beginning was otherwise very interesting and left me wanting to know more about the girl and the vampire. Overall, well done!




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Thu Jul 09, 2009 8:08 pm
bElL3 wrote a review...



I'm going to agree with those that said that "squished" is the wrong word. If I were you I would consider revising and checking your sentnce structure, but over all, I think it was an absolutely wonderful piece. Reminiscent of Twilight to a certain extent. Great Job, keep writing this. 8) bElL3




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Thu Jul 09, 2009 5:36 pm
moonlight123 wrote a review...



Great beginning, A good story always draws you right in, that's exactly what this did for me.. ok, since everyone's already found all the mistakes, I just thought I'd tell you that I think you did a really great job considering the MILLIONS of vampire stories around...pretty original. The only part that caught me as being a little less true to life is the fact that the vampires buy the blood from the blood banks. There are already shortages of blood everywhere and I don't think doctors would give blood to hungry vampire instead of a needy patient. I'm not going to be too annoying about this problem because I cant really think of a solution for it so... Anyway, great job, keep writing!




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Wed Jul 08, 2009 11:20 pm
hopefulromntic wrote a review...



this is a pretty nice change of things for any vampire story. instead of having everyone fear them or no one knows about them. the people in your story know about them and accept them with them going along with the rules for the most part which is a pretty new way for a vampire story to go for me. nice work




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Thu Jun 18, 2009 5:59 pm
JordanEmert wrote a review...



Hello Audrey.
I'm Jordan and I'm going to review your Chapter.

Well... Overall, I loved it.
I only found one typo which is terrific, according to me.
The only thing that I would consider doing is maybe describing the coffee shop a little more, maybe if she was sitting by a window you could describe how the sun was hitting her face.
But, great story I'm going to read Chapter 2.




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Thu Jun 18, 2009 4:49 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



Hiya, Audrey, I'm Ashley and I'll be your critiquer today :wink:

I had just flopped into one of the soft leather chairs at the front of the coffee shop, cracked open my book, and sipped my cappuccino when he walked in.


This is an awkward beginning. You have too much going on in one sentence to really capture the reader. Maybe try: I flopped into one of the soft leather chairs at the front of the coffee shop, steaming cappuccino in one hand, book in the other. I had just cracked open the front cover of "insert book of your choice here" when he walked in. See how I built it up. You, obviously, can go your own route but this is just an example to get you going ^_^

His name is Christopher Armstrong.


"was" instead of "is". Remember to watch the tenses and keep them consistant throughout.

~ ~ ~ ~

Allright, you have all the elements of a good story going. Plot line, interesting characters, new take on vampires. But your missing the little quirks that make it easy to read. You need to include more of the five senses besides sight. Is the coffee shop smell strongly of imported coffee beans or in need of air freshener? Is the city noisy at this hour or is it serenly quiet? Things like this help the image come easier to the reader.

Also, I feel like you kind of brush over the vampire issue without getting into it enough. I mean, I'm not asking for an info dump, but just a little bit more. Why does she believe she's going to be a model for this vampire photographer? Why is she so special, you know?

Lastly, the ending was way to abrupt. Maybe it was because the whole piece was too short overall or just the way you ended it. I just think it needs to be tweaked or added on to.

Otherwise, you have a steady piece. Nothing really dramatically wrong. Just little things. If you change and tweak to your own original voice and way of writing, this will be a really great piece :D

PM me if you have any further questions!




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Sun May 24, 2009 8:35 am
Dark Eyed Pixie wrote a review...



Hiya,
ok review time!


Everyone else has pointed out the mistakes, but I found this one teensy one.

He was the most gorgeous man in history and the best photographer I've ever heard of. His name is Christopher Armstrong.


You seem to be mixing tenses here.

That was the only other mistake I could find. It's a really great story keep at it!
xxxx




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Fri May 22, 2009 3:16 pm
mtempleton wrote a review...



Hi, I found you! Am I too late to review? We seem to have been especially thorough with you. This is a good thing.

Firstly, I loved this. I’ve had just about enough of Twilight, I have to admit, but your slant was very original. Kudos to you!



To some nitpicks. My comments are bracketed, hope it’s clear.


I had just squished (as above: Squished is the wrong word here) into one of the soft leather chairs at the front of the coffee shop, cracked open my book, and sipped my caramel cappuccino when he walked in. I almost choked on my coffee when I got a good glimpse of him. I knew who he was instantly and swallowed my drink hard.

(as an opening sentence, pretty good. The length is working for you, but it’s a lot of information. Maybe cut “caramel” Also, I would be tempted to apply some inversion just to exaggerate HIS importance. “Instantly, I knew who he was. I swallowed my drink hard.”)

He was the most gorgeous man in history. He was Christopher Armstrong, a photographer. (how about “HE was Christopher Armstrong, a photographer, the most gorgeous man in history?” Rumor had it that he was looking for a (typo: Cut “a” or make it “new model.”) new models for this seasons (season’s) look. I was going to be one of those models. I knew it deep in my heart. (I would make a new paragraph here) I was sure the clothes would look great on me. They were my style, dark and dangerous with a hint of sexy. The only problem was... he was a vampire and I was terrified of him. (Get rid of the ellipsis… here, please. If you want suspense, take a sole paragraph, something like “the only problem was he was a vampire and I was terrified of him.)

Even though everybody knew about and accepted vampires there were still a few "accidents" were (where) a human ended up being drained.(love drained, as a concept. My skin is crawling) Vampires are trying very hard to be normal though, and people are donating more blood than ever before. The vampires buy it from the blood bank and drink it like soda.(new paragraph) The easiest way people can tell a human from a vampire is their eyes. Vampires (vampires’) pupils are always very large and their irises are much brighter than humans. They also come in more shades like neon green, sky blue, and even some pink, purple, and orange. Only the wild vampires that still regularly feed on humans have black eyes and are either in prison or in hiding outside of the city.

(I love this paragraph. You have redefined vampires, and originally. Ever read Anne Rice? What I remember about her vamps is the glasslike fingernails, a really small detail. You seem to have a similar idea.)

While he made his order, I did everything in my power to make myself astonishing. I whipped out my compact and added a fresh layer of lip gloss (end sentence, then, “I ran my fingers…) and ran my fingers through my hair. I got into the most attractive pose I could manage in the huge chair. Then decided to only pay attention to my drink so he wouldn't think I was just some crazed fan girl. (nice paragraph again.)

When he received his drink he turned on his heel and looked right at me. My spine tensed, I really hoped he didn't notice. He casually (hmm, he seems to be drawn to her, so I’m not sure casually is the right word. Maybe don’t use an adverb here at all, and just say he sat down.) sat in the chair right next to mine so we would have to share an end table. (start your final paragraph with this). I watched as he put the newspaper he had tucked under his arm (this sentence is slightly jumbled. It would flow if you left out that he had his newspaper under his arm: “I watched as he put his newspaper down beside m y book.) down right beside my book. (Call me crazy, but I want to know what she’s reading. Maybe add that as a detail earlier?)

Then to my amazement (he) looked up right (cut right) into my eyes and said, "Hello I'm Christopher Armstrong, have you ever considered modeling?" (modelling has two ls, according to my computer)



So well done, again! This is a great beginning, with a few nice hooks. I’m intrigued as to how this is going to become romantic fiction as well.

As the others have said, this is really well written. You have a great voice for one so young. There are a few typos, but I think one more proof read would have ironed those out. A couple of parts are overwritten, but its only a case of reigning in those adverbs and working a little on structure.
The comments I’ve made are just things that I would do, so feel free not to listen.

I look forward to reading part two – don’t keep me waiting!

m




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Fri May 22, 2009 4:58 am
nevermore wrote a review...



Heya! Welcome to YWS! :lol:

You really got a nice talent in writing...honestly, I didn't find any errors on your work, whether grammatically, word structures and orders or choice of words....Nothing at all.

Frankly, there was this one thing that I noticed just upon reading the title of your work, VAMPIRE.
This theme had really been one of the most used and put forth topic of every novels or even just short stories. Stephenie Meyer had really molded our society into a vampire-fanatic one...she's got spice!
Hence, at first, I wasn't that interested at all...but upon reading it, WOW! You've got a very unique and lovely one! It seemed like you fused each vampire-themed work into one fantastic story! You have concluded them all into one story....Vampires very much accepted now in our society. Really, interesting!



So, getting critiqual, the only thing I must have corrected on your work is the tense agreement. You started with past and must have used it throughout...even though it could sound like not appropriate or ugly...Anyways, this correction is suitable for only one of your paragraphs, the third one. For instance:

Even though everybody knew about and accepted vampires there were still a few "accidents" were a human ended up being drained. Vampires are trying very hard to be normal though, and people are donating more blood than ever before. The vampires buy it from the blood bank and drink it like soda. The easiest way people can tell a human from a vampire is their eyes. Vampires pupils are always very large and their irises are much brighter than humans. They also come in more shades like neon green, sky blue, and even some pink, purple, and orange. Only the wild vampires that still regularly feed on humans have black eyes and are either in prison or in hiding outside of the city.


This must be written as:

Even though everybody knew about and accepted vampires there were still a few "accidents" were a human ended up being drained. Vampires WERE trying very hard to be normal though, and people WERE donating more blood than ever before. The vampires BOUGHT it form the blood bank and DRANK it like soda. The easiest way people COULD tell a human from a vampire WAS their eyes. Vampire's pupils WERE always very large and their irises WERE much brighter than humans. They also CAME in more shades like neon green, sky blue, and even some pink, purple and oranges. Only the wild vampires that still regularly FED on humans HAD black eyes and WERE either in prison or in some HIDING PLACES outside the city.

Love this paragraph...especially the description...so noble.


Sooo there...welcome again and Keep writing. :lol:




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Fri May 22, 2009 4:51 am
diaNe cHavez wrote a review...



Hello Audrey! :D My name's Diane.
Now that we've gotten over that, let's get started.

I had just squished into one of the soft leather chairs at the front of the coffee shop...

You really shouldn't start out a story or paragraph with the word 'I'. You could place an "After" before the 'I'. Then you would have to change 'when' in the later part of the sentence.

After I had just squished myself into one of the soft leather chairs at the front of the coffee shop, cracked open my book, and sipped my caramel cappuccino, (Take out 'when') he walked in.


Rumor had it that he was looking for a new models for this seasons look.

You should take out the 'a' before 'new'.

I was going to be one of those models. I knew it (Take out 'it') deep in my heart.

These two sentences should be reversed.

They were my style, dark and dangerous with a hint of sexy.

Place a colon in between style and dark.

The only problem was... he was a vampire and I was terrified of him.

It would flow better if you ended the sentence after 'vampire'. Then capitalize 'and'.

There aren't really any other mistakes. Overall, I thought it was a great beginning. Please continue writing for this, it has captured my attention. :D
diaNe




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Fri May 22, 2009 2:58 am
Newguy120 wrote a review...



Audreeyy! I've come to review your storryy!!

Well. The best place to start is the beginning (unless you are telling an epic or you are watching star wars, that is) so let's start there!

I had just squished into one of the soft leather chairs at the front of the coffee shop, cracked open my book, and sipped my caramel cappuccino when he walked in.


Ok. Right here, the word "squished" Isn't exactly a recommended word. Since the chair is soft, leather, and described later on as huge, probably something like "sunk" or , "plopped".

I almost choked on my coffee when I got a good glimpse of him. I knew who he was instantly and swallowed my drink hard.


Hmm.. almost choking, and then swallowing hard. Maybe it's just me.. but something feels kinda not right there. Personally I would rephrase it. Maybe something like: I took a glance at the door as I heard it open, then immediately did a double take when I saw who it was. I was barely able to stop myself from spitting my coffee all over the place at the sight! I swallowed my drink hard.....

He was the most gorgeous man in history. He was Christopher Armstrong, a photographer.


I don't know if you meant to for effect, but the phrase "He was" is kinda uncomfortably repeating there. Maybe try replacing the second one with "His name was"?

Rumor had it that he was looking for a new models for this seasons look.


There is an a in there that shouldn't be, and seasons needs to be season's. Just little typos.

Even though everybody knew about and accepted vampires there were still a few "accidents" were a human ended up being drained. Vampires are trying very hard to be normal though, and people are donating more blood than ever before. The vampires buy it from the blood bank and drink it like soda. The easiest way people can tell a human from a vampire is their eyes. Vampires pupils are always very large and their irises are much brighter than humans. They also come in more shades like neon green, sky blue, and even some pink, purple, and orange. Only the wild vampires that still regularly feed on humans have black eyes and are either in prison or in hiding outside of the city.


Ok, I noticed a few things with this paragraph. When explaining how humans donate their blood, you should kinda let the reader know "Oh hey, by the way, since vampires can't just go around sucking blood, humans have started donating it" before going on to say they are donating more than ever before. Secondly, right in the middle of the paragraph, (The easiest way people can tell a human from a vampire is their eyes), it starts a new topic, so I would recommend starting a new paragraph. Also, like earlier, you should explain that there are still "wild" vampires before telling about their pupils. I was kinda like, "oh wait, there are wild vampires?" When reading that I noticed that you switched tenses as well, using a lot of present tense, while previously using past tense. Other than that for this paragraph, you are introducing the vampires, a huge part of this story. It's definitely best you go into deep detail. Not just will it help so that there are more words and stuff there, but it will really help the reader get a grasp on what to expect when dealing with vampires in this story.


Hmm.. when did the book get on the end table? One second Roxy was holding it, the next she whipped out her compact and her book just happened to be on the table. Can't hurt to let the reader know she put it down. :D

Then to my amazement looked up right into my eyes and said, "Hello I'm Christopher Armstrong, have you ever considered modeling?"


There needs to be a comma after amazement, and then a "he" after the comma. hehe

Overall: I think It's wonderful! A few typos here and there and some minor changes, but all in all it was good! You have a very excellent narrative voice, and a detailed imagination. I'm waiting to read more!





We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
— Ernest Hemingway