Young Writers Society



Pavlov's Dog at Sunrise

by nixonblitzen


Song: Can't Take It, All American Rejects (don't laugh at me... it was my freshman year)

Word: Tragic Hero

The morning sun streams through the bars on Jared’s window, but his eyes are all in shadow. There is no one around to see him. There’s never anyone here to look into his eyes, to hear him groaning in his sleep, to smell his unbathed body.

Jared lays his head down on the wooden table. The desert sun is blinding him. So he closes his eyes and thinks about mom. And about her.

There’s a sound in the distance and Jared raises his head like a dog. But no – it’s just some keys rattling. He’s ashamed, but no one is there to see his cheeks burning, to feel the heat of blood rushing to his face. Now his heart is black and angry. He’s become a penned Pavlov’s dog, nothing more.

Jared takes up the bite-marked pencil and scrap of paper that are lying on the table and scribbles feverishly. The scribbles turn into question marks, which turn into words. He looks down and there’s her name. It can’t be him that wrote that.

The muscles in his hand twitch and the pencil falls out. Jared slumps against the back of his chair, covers his eyes with a calloused hand. There is no one to notice the dirt under his fingernails.

And Jared can see her now, her black long-sleeved t-shirt. She would take him by the wrist, push hair out of his eyes. They kissed once behind the pizza place.

Jared tilts his head toward the window. The sun blinds him – just like it did that morning she made him scrambled eggs in the kitchen. He had slapped her the night before. But he took the fork in his hand then and smiled at her joke. He knew how to fix what he had done wrong.

Jared pushes back his chair. He drops himself on his narrow cot and closes his eyes. There is no one to see him go back to bed.


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Thu Dec 01, 2022 9:12 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The morning sun streams through the bars on Jared’s window, but his eyes are all in shadow. There is no one around to see him. There’s never anyone here to look into his eyes, to hear him groaning in his sleep, to smell his unbathed body.

Jared lays his head down on the wooden table. The desert sun is blinding him. So he closes his eyes and thinks about mom. And about her.


Well this is an interesting start here. On the surface it seems o so quiet and very peaceful, but its quite clear from the undertones here with the way some of these people are brought that there's a lot more than just a simple peaceful morning simmering underneath it all and clearly this person is not in the happiest of moods here. Well it certainly works well to get our attention.

There’s a sound in the distance and Jared raises his head like a dog. But no – it’s just some keys rattling. He’s ashamed, but no one is there to see his cheeks burning, to feel the heat of blood rushing to his face. Now his heart is black and angry. He’s become a penned Pavlov’s dog, nothing more.

Jared takes up the bite-marked pencil and scrap of paper that are lying on the table and scribbles feverishly. The scribbles turn into question marks, which turn into words. He looks down and there’s her name. It can’t be him that wrote that.

The muscles in his hand twitch and the pencil falls out. Jared slumps against the back of his chair, covers his eyes with a calloused hand. There is no one to notice the dirt under his fingernails.


I really love the subtle way you're going about things here, just slowly hinting to us exactly what kind of situation this person may have been put through to end up in this state and suddenly this quiet sounding start is starting to get more and more sinister. I can't wait to see how you've actually ended this here.

And Jared can see her now, her black long-sleeved t-shirt. She would take him by the wrist, push hair out of his eyes. They kissed once behind the pizza place.

Jared tilts his head toward the window. The sun blinds him – just like it did that morning she made him scrambled eggs in the kitchen. He had slapped her the night before. But he took the fork in his hand then and smiled at her joke. He knew how to fix what he had done wrong.

Jared pushes back his chair. He drops himself on his narrow cot and closes his eyes. There is no one to see him go back to bed.


Well that ends on a bit of a confirmation of just what lurks beneath the surface here. A powerful ending at any rate. I like how you never actually confirm anything so every conclusion the reader comes to is just whatever they chose to imagine it to be. I think it makes this that much more mysterious and powerful. And overall, this is a rather simple piece but a pretty powerful one.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry





Maybe I should say something quote-worthy, like, I dunno... "You can only be happy if you decide to be happy?"
— Necromancer14